The Passenger

I love when I have several topics I want to write about simultaneously; and they're fighting for predominance in my head and fingers--which will win out? Or will it just be a mind explosion? Will everything that rises also converge? Maybe if I was more disciplined  I would write all of them, cohesively and separately--work on it even when I'm not "feeling it".  And maybe writing them separately isn't necessary. Maybe some of the thoughts should be thrown together, and see what works. I'll work on the the discipline part though.  I've always felt I needed to write, but I struggle with it. I guess it's like "do I even have what it takes to write?" and I doubt, and then doubting leads to inaction. My most worn out and tired vicious cycle! Well, knowledge is power:) I know my self doubt in any area always leads to inaction. So...here's a little bit of action and cycle breaking for you! (mostly for myself).

So we all have those songs that just stick with us through a certain period of our lives, right? And the song (or songs, album, playlist, ect) comes to concretely represent a grouping of thoughts and feelings, ideologies even. And you get intertwined with it, and attached. And then it becomes part of your story, part of your life soundtrack.

Lately for me, I've been listening to Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". I've liked this song for a long time. Something about the music and lyrics speak to me. And I really like the episode of Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown where he gets to hang out with Iggy in Miami. I really resonant with stories of finding peace, or at least becoming comfortable and confident in who you are. Many times this only comes with time, living, and learning through your own mistakes. And the early and middle years are often spent yearning/raging/striving. I mean hello, punk music! It's all about rebellion and in your face-ness! Anyways, in the episode he meets Tony at a health food joint, they eat a light meal and they have a good conversation. (And I'll be honest here, maybe I'm mistaking "inner peace" for "rock star who's brain is kind of fried from years of attending rock n roll high school", but just go with me here). I really liked the fact that when Tony asked him what was a perfect day for him looked like he said sitting on the beach on a hot day being with someone who's company he really enjoyed. That resonates with me in a profound way; maybe because it's not goal oriented but that it's relational oriented.  There is importance about getting right inside and letting that set the tone for your life, or at the very least recognizing things that are of true value. I'm really not trying to sound Yoga Jones on you, promise. Seeing this episode shortly after attending the WTC and being able to feeling peace and hope in the first time in a long time I kinda grasped onto this small snippet--to identify with a 68 year old punk rock king about something so small as sitting on the beach and watching the horizon and feeling something. And allowing yourself to be loved.

You know how I talked about having different topics fighting about which would be blogged about today? I guess I'm gonna try an awkward segue here. In my mind these are both holding hands and make sense.  Imagine a hand coming down from those paragraphs up there and grabbing this new paragraphs fingers, intertwining. Becoming one bigger thought.

Last week Ted had the whole week off. Ever since I decided to be a substitute teacher this year rather than returning to my usual post he has been really great about working, working, working, and then some. Long days, over time, ect. Of course we're blessed he works at a place where he does have plenty of vacation time so neither one of us are complaining here! We have it really good. As in, our needs are met and we have each other---and then some!!! We're fully blessed in so many ways.  I guess with the winter and the not feeling the best, a bit of anxiety was chasing me. I was really missing Ted (I felt like by the time he got home I'd pretty much fall asleep like an hour later lol) and feeling like there was just stuff I needed help with around the house. Like painting the nursery!  Basically I felt like I was wringing my hands but needed a kickstart to do anything. Like a nervous Duracell bunny just going in circles instead of moving forward--I needed a reset. And last week was a really great time of just being together and doing things we enjoy (like doing chores and going out to lunch and watching Anthony Bourdain and LOST and going to the museum and sleeping in).

We're so excited to finally be the three of us, and since we've waited so long I thought saying goodbye to being two wouldn't be hard at all! But I've been having some bittersweet feelings creeping in. Maybe because people keep telling me stories of becoming roommates with their spouse after kids, and barely ever seeing each other. I'm sure this does happen and  you get busy doing right by your family but I guess Ted is such a big part of who I am this scares me. I guess instead of being scared I'll just pray about this transition. DUH. I wish that was always my first instinct rather than doing aforementioned bunny circles.

 Bringing this line of thought up and making it a circle; "The Passenger" is also meaningful to me because one of our MOST favorite things to do as a couple is to drive and listen to music. It is just something we like to do. And I'm The Passenger. The passenger in the song sees beauty and mess and takes it all in.  We've done our driving thing through good times and bad. Heartache and happiness. We just enjoy it. Me because I can take in the world and try and process it. Him because he's physically doing something but also relaxing (and he loves roads...but thats a story for another time, haha). And we're together. We can talk or not talk. We can sing along or hum. My feelings tend to process more quickly this way. And lately I've been playing "The Passenger" at least once when we get in the car to go somewhere. Even the loose harmony on the "la-la's" remind me of how two different voices can make the song/journey better, give it more depth. This song reminds me of that pastime with the two of us. And the bond we have, that loose harmony,  I pray it will only get stronger and more beautiful through this next phase in our journey.


I'm gonna leave this rambling post with some of the lyrics. If you read this post I hope you give the song a listen. It probably won't have the same meaning for you as it does for me...and that's ok. That's what life is all about; we experience similar things and we make them into our own. With different meaning and significance.

Oh, the passenger
How, how he rides
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the sign and hollow sky
He sees the stars come out tonight
He sees the city's ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine

The Ways of a Hermit and the Ways of Time

When time flies at the speed of light, I remind myself "YOU'VE GOT TO WRITE IT DOWN TO SLOW IT DOWN" (my new motto). It processes my memories and thoughts like nothing else can. Basically August through October were one big blur. I think because the weather was so warm and sunny it seemed like a continuation of summer. And since I'm subbing this year rather than running my own classroom (aka universe) the days are running together. Consider this me slamming on the brakes.

Do you guys remember that episode of the King of Queens where Carrie quits her job to get well mentally and physically? To get lots of projects and self care done? She has all these grandiose plans of doing doing doing but then she totally shuts down and basically watches tv and lounges all day and can't bring herself to accomplish one errand? Do you see where this is going??? Haha. The struggle really IS real!

 The last few days I've done better at making myself do stuff. I think my problem is I am waiting for that kick of adrenaline and that joie de vivre to automatically be there, and if it's not I'm like "OH WELL, GUESS I'LL DO THE BARE MINIMUM TODAY". BUT, I'm reminding myself: adrenaline usually comes to me when I'm very busy. The joie de vivre comes when you feel like you've really earned that 15 minutes of coffee sipping while thinking about your week and what you've accomplished. TOO MUCH DOWN TIME results in a very sluggish me. My lifestyle has slowed basically to a grinding halt and I'm really trying to figure out how to be very useful with my talents in this moment in time where this is my reality. (Could the first and third paragraph contradict themselves more?! Going so fast. Going so slow. Ay yi yi).

I keep reminding myself to fake it till I make it. Not every #girlboss (and I say that with all the irony and sarcasm I can muster) on the internet wakes up feeling like fighting dragons everyday. You just DO IT.  I mean, I do the normal stuff like cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, church, family stuff. (seriously, why are there 12 loads of dishes everyday for 1-2 people!!!!) It's like the GOAL STUFF I need to motivate myself on. House projects. Working out. WRITING FOR HEAVENS SAKES. I've been avoiding the basement for two weeks because I knew the computer was waiting for me, wanting me to share my thoughts and feelings and ideas with it. Needing me too. And I've gone incommunicado.

 I'm becoming TOO COMFORTABLE in my hermit ways and I've gotta fight the Carrie Heffernan tendencies. I really don't want to have to like, write a schedule for myself everyday. UGH. But seriously I might have to start doing that to avoid wasting so much time doing RANDOM STUFF.

All of this talk of productivity has really got me hankering for a nap...

stay tuned of more updates on what we've been up to lately. (Spoiler alert: we really did see a unicorn!)

to survival (a weird kind of poem or something)

in the field, to survive a trauma a person must learn an imperative technique;

to be incredibly still,
to hold yourself very tightly,
and to concentrate a great deal.



to be still:
you need to be still to keep the pain at a tolerable amount. the more you move, the more the wound breaks open or risk infection. to be still will not attract anyone or thing to you while you are vulnerable and weak.

to hold yourself very tightly:
wrap your arms around your legs. lay in the fetal position. put your arms around your head. hold whatever part of your body feels as if it might fly away were it not held down. it will help stop the bleeding and keep the pain at a tolerable amount. open wounds need pressure, to help the blood clot and to stop from bleeding out.

to concentrate a great deal:
be honest with your brain about what is happening. tell yourself the facts over and over lest your mind runaway with itself. be rational to your un-rational overwrought animal self. tell yourself that even though this happened, things are ok and you will again stand tall. maybe even a little stronger. maybe with an ounce more wisdom.