I love when I have several topics I want to write about simultaneously; and they're fighting for predominance in my head and fingers--which will win out? Or will it just be a mind explosion? Will everything that rises also converge? Maybe if I was more disciplined I would write all of them, cohesively and separately--work on it even when I'm not "feeling it". And maybe writing them separately isn't necessary. Maybe some of the thoughts should be thrown together, and see what works. I'll work on the the discipline part though. I've always felt I needed to write, but I struggle with it. I guess it's like "do I even have what it takes to write?" and I doubt, and then doubting leads to inaction. My most worn out and tired vicious cycle! Well, knowledge is power:) I know my self doubt in any area always leads to inaction. So...here's a little bit of action and cycle breaking for you! (mostly for myself).
So we all have those songs that just stick with us through a certain period of our lives, right? And the song (or songs, album, playlist, ect) comes to concretely represent a grouping of thoughts and feelings, ideologies even. And you get intertwined with it, and attached. And then it becomes part of your story, part of your life soundtrack.
Lately for me, I've been listening to Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". I've liked this song for a long time. Something about the music and lyrics speak to me. And I really like the episode of Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown where he gets to hang out with Iggy in Miami. I really resonant with stories of finding peace, or at least becoming comfortable and confident in who you are. Many times this only comes with time, living, and learning through your own mistakes. And the early and middle years are often spent yearning/raging/striving. I mean hello, punk music! It's all about rebellion and in your face-ness! Anyways, in the episode he meets Tony at a health food joint, they eat a light meal and they have a good conversation. (And I'll be honest here, maybe I'm mistaking "inner peace" for "rock star who's brain is kind of fried from years of attending rock n roll high school", but just go with me here). I really liked the fact that when Tony asked him what was a perfect day for him looked like he said sitting on the beach on a hot day being with someone who's company he really enjoyed. That resonates with me in a profound way; maybe because it's not goal oriented but that it's relational oriented. There is importance about getting right inside and letting that set the tone for your life, or at the very least recognizing things that are of true value. I'm really not trying to sound Yoga Jones on you, promise. Seeing this episode shortly after attending the WTC and being able to feeling peace and hope in the first time in a long time I kinda grasped onto this small snippet--to identify with a 68 year old punk rock king about something so small as sitting on the beach and watching the horizon and feeling something. And allowing yourself to be loved.
You know how I talked about having different topics fighting about which would be blogged about today? I guess I'm gonna try an awkward segue here. In my mind these are both holding hands and make sense. Imagine a hand coming down from those paragraphs up there and grabbing this new paragraphs fingers, intertwining. Becoming one bigger thought.
Last week Ted had the whole week off. Ever since I decided to be a substitute teacher this year rather than returning to my usual post he has been really great about working, working, working, and then some. Long days, over time, ect. Of course we're blessed he works at a place where he does have plenty of vacation time so neither one of us are complaining here! We have it really good. As in, our needs are met and we have each other---and then some!!! We're fully blessed in so many ways. I guess with the winter and the not feeling the best, a bit of anxiety was chasing me. I was really missing Ted (I felt like by the time he got home I'd pretty much fall asleep like an hour later lol) and feeling like there was just stuff I needed help with around the house. Like painting the nursery! Basically I felt like I was wringing my hands but needed a kickstart to do anything. Like a nervous Duracell bunny just going in circles instead of moving forward--I needed a reset. And last week was a really great time of just being together and doing things we enjoy (like doing chores and going out to lunch and watching Anthony Bourdain and LOST and going to the museum and sleeping in).
We're so excited to finally be the three of us, and since we've waited so long I thought saying goodbye to being two wouldn't be hard at all! But I've been having some bittersweet feelings creeping in. Maybe because people keep telling me stories of becoming roommates with their spouse after kids, and barely ever seeing each other. I'm sure this does happen and you get busy doing right by your family but I guess Ted is such a big part of who I am this scares me. I guess instead of being scared I'll just pray about this transition. DUH. I wish that was always my first instinct rather than doing aforementioned bunny circles.
Bringing this line of thought up and making it a circle; "The Passenger" is also meaningful to me because one of our MOST favorite things to do as a couple is to drive and listen to music. It is just something we like to do. And I'm The Passenger. The passenger in the song sees beauty and mess and takes it all in. We've done our driving thing through good times and bad. Heartache and happiness. We just enjoy it. Me because I can take in the world and try and process it. Him because he's physically doing something but also relaxing (and he loves roads...but thats a story for another time, haha). And we're together. We can talk or not talk. We can sing along or hum. My feelings tend to process more quickly this way. And lately I've been playing "The Passenger" at least once when we get in the car to go somewhere. Even the loose harmony on the "la-la's" remind me of how two different voices can make the song/journey better, give it more depth. This song reminds me of that pastime with the two of us. And the bond we have, that loose harmony, I pray it will only get stronger and more beautiful through this next phase in our journey.
I'm gonna leave this rambling post with some of the lyrics. If you read this post I hope you give the song a listen. It probably won't have the same meaning for you as it does for me...and that's ok. That's what life is all about; we experience similar things and we make them into our own. With different meaning and significance.
Oh, the passenger
How, how he rides
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the sign and hollow sky
He sees the stars come out tonight
He sees the city's ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine