My determination to not let this time run away from me comes and goes. I think I'm at the point in pregnancy (ah, can't believe this is real still) where things will go pretty quickly. I still feel like I'm in the those first few weeks where it was all so delicate and still secret. Those days were precious! Now as we inch towards the finish line (to infinity and beyond!) I'm beginning to have anxious thoughts ("to put it mildly" as John McEnroe would say).
What if I can't hack this? I'm old and tired! What if I don't get her room ready in time? What if we don't have everything we need? I'm not doing enough healthy eating! I'm not doing enough exercising! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'm not documenting this process enough, hence I must not be cherishing it enough! FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!
Why am I not feeling more movement? Will the doctor say "sorry, no more heartbeat!" Am I coughing her to death? Am I sleeping in the wrong position? Am I already teaching her to be lazy and love junk food?
OH MYLANTA !(which according to Fuller House, is DJ's catchphrase--does anyone remember, did she ever even once say this on Full House? Did she feel left out not having a catch phrase like Steph and Michelle? They're really trying to make it happen. All that to say I'm fully enjoying Fuller House, hah!) All the feels and then some. I've been listening to Carly Rae Jepsen's album "Emotion" a lot and I keep thinking the lyric "ALL THAT WE CAN DO WITH THIS EMOTION!' And to think a few weeks ago I thought the hormones weren't gonna bother me, I would be someone who could skate by without ever being a crazy pregnant woman. When will I learn to STOP THINKING THAT STUFF!!!!! BECAUSE NOW I FEEL LEGITIMATELY CRAZY!!!!!!!!
I'm going to write this to myself as a pep talk and reminder;
Dear Anxious Self,
Ok girl, just take a deep breath. You've waited for this a long long LONG time and are so thankful every minute (you know you are; don't be so hard on yourself!) Maybe take a few more pictures if that makes you feel better about documentation. Remember to be more disciplined about making posts here, small baby steps always make you feel MUCH better! Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the spiral of you're not good enough and then do NOTHING instead of a very small something. You know for a fact the not good enough line isn't TRUTH. When you start feeling this way, it's a sure sign you gotta dive back into your Bible and pray more than what's currently been happening. It's ok. You can do it. God will give you grace; just stop wanting to throw in the towel at every minor glitch. Also remember what you've seen throughout your entire life; a lot of little somethings always add up to a big something! Work is work, you go at your own pace and it seriously does make you feel better to do what you can. Make a green smoothie! Get some paint samples online! Drink tons of water! Go for a walk!--put some of your head knowledge into practice. You've been given an amazing gift and you thank the Lord each day. He's giving you the right child for your skills set and personality. You were created for such a time as this! It's going to be ok and then some. It's going to be great! Don't let anxiety bind you; remember you are free indeed and it's a privilege to be alive. Enjoy these days-remember to enjoy each season you're in. I think you already do that anyways:) I know you're still in awe of this happening--but it really is happening! So baby step forward and don't be a perfectionist. You're flawed but you are made perfect. Don't try to sprint, you aren't a sprinter! But you do try, haha. Baby steps. Marathon. Tortoise. That's you. Don't fight it.
Your More Centered and in Her Right Mind Self