2014 Mantra

life lately...it's so full of tests of faith, loss, sadness, and struggle. They always say it gets darkest before the dawn. I have had many dark periods, now it's mostly numbness with glimmers of hope here and there. If feels so much better than darkness! It's always the most numb and ambiguous before the dawn? No matter, what I have been living by a mantra this year. It's not one I just saw and thought "Oh, that's cute, I'll type it up in cutesy letters and post it over my computer!" I read it once and it keeps coming up in my life, forcing me to pull my head out of the sand. I knew I wasn't interested in yearly goals come January 1st this year. Why bother making them when it put's so much pressure on an already self critical mind? I guess my New Year's resolution kind of found me and rammed itself down my throat!

The phrase that I has been forcing me out of my comfort zone is this:

I get so bogged down with everything that can go wrong and all my short comings that it keeps me from putting myself out there and trying.  I just keep repeating to myself. That you can't really accomplish or do ANYTHING without messing up, being wrong, getting reprimanded, judged, or criticized. And it's all good because it means you're doing something. And seriously, you need to do something and stop sitting around watching everyone else accomplish goals and grab up all the life force:)

So I guess a gallon of paint and a roller is a tangible manifestation of said mantra. I finally just manned up and painted a dang wall. I didn't worry about if I would love it a year from now, or if it would go with any future purchases or decorating choices. I didn't worry that I got some on the carpet, my clothes, or the baseboard. I had fun. Teddy Westside helped and we worked well together and were proud of our work. He didn't make fun of me too much when I was afraid to go to the top step of the step ladder and I didn't laugh too much when he almost fell off it multiple times.

Now I'm just singing "Rose's Turn" and taking the world by storm, haha.

Here are a few inspiration pics:

This photo is taken from www.deucecitieshenhouse.com

I absolutely love this color. It's "Dragonfly" by Benjamin Moore. I have loved it for several years but couldn't pull the trigger or land on a specific spot to put it.

This one is from www.chrislovesjulia.com

They call it a "Reading Room" and ever since I laid eyes on it I was like MUST. HAVE. THAT.

So for my wall I'm thinking putting some Billy Bookcases without backs to mimic a built in style? Similar to this:

This is from YoungHouseLove. I love basically everything they do and have admired this builtin for quite sometime. Look at that beautiful Dragonfly in the background!

For the time being it might be my desk area shoved up against it (desk is white) with gold accents. I'm excited to finally take matters into my own hands and stop worrying! It's my house dangit and I can make it look awesome if I want.

I will post pictures of my actual wall soon. I need to take something that isn't iPhone confound it, Raja!

The Red Door

The air was still and quiet. The trees were bare, their dark arms reaching out to the sky surrendering. She hurried quietly through a field that was somehow familiar and unfamiliar. The dry grass crunched loudly beneath her feet. She tried to tread more softly keeping a steady watch on the horizon. 

"Concentrate!" her inner monologue told her. "Concentrate or you will miss it again!" If she just kept watching she would finally see what she was looking for. She made it to the other side of the field and gingerly crouched down at the tree line. She stared across the field until her eyes were heavy. She reached up to make sure her auburn hair was still tucked under her hood so she wouldn't be spotted and readjusted her gaze. She quietly retrieved her binoculars out of her backpack and gave the tree line a hard stare.Up and down, back and forth…nothing. Over and over. Just like her dad taught her. You stay still enough for long enough and you will see something. She looked again only to see the horizon remain empty. Trees. Grass. The sky slowly began to fade. There wasn't much time! But she was determined. She continued her scan and began to wonder how long she had been there. The sun still had not set. As she pulled up her sleeve to look at her watch she noticed one by one the hairs on her arms started to raise. The air that had been dead and silent a moment ago now became electric. There was a tiny movement in her peripheral vision. Anxiously she zeroed the binoculars in. The movement seemed as though nothing was causing it, the tall grass rustling only slightly. There was no wind. She kept staring at the spot and the rustling increased until a human figure rose up from the brush. Trembling she adjusted her binoculars to try and get more focus. Her heart pounded blood through her ears. 

“This is it!”

She felt as though she was standing on the edge of a big wave of enlightenment.  Her limbs felt hollow.  But the more she stared the less she could make out the details of the person rising from the ground. A form with no features. A silhouette turned and  walking into the woods. 

“NO, no. This isn’t happening.” she thought frantically. She felt the moment slipping through her grasp. The field was dimming as though she was watching it play out on a movie theatre screen and the lights had been turned on. She felt as though she was lying down even though she was now standing. Frantically she grabbed for her backpack but it wasn’t there.

She blinked and she was horizontal in a bed and it was completely dark. 

She blinked again and she was back in the field.

Hazily she watched the form slowly creeping across the field. She thought about running but her body wouldn’t move. She tried yelling but she couldn’t hear any sounds coming from her mouth.

Moments before she was awake for good she watched as a red door appeared out of nowhere the ambiguous form opened it and slipped behind it.

She woke up to the sound of screaming. 

the oscars and a portrait of an apartment therapy house tour and other brain matter

(2014 and no posting until March! self scolding going on here)

 I know it's easy to get caught up in the "new" and "wowed" by things that are critically acclaimed (ok, maybe not for us cynics but in GENERAL just roll with this). If you think about it there is a formula and cycle for EVERYTHING under the sun:

tv, movies, fashion, decorating, diets, child rearing, ect.

The formula's or patterns start to stand out to me SO BLATANTLY that it becomes comical and I have a hard time actually liking something. I think this is pretty common for my "ironic generation".  Does any of this make sense? For example, an Oscar bait movie must have smattering of these themes:

Aids, WWII, homosexuality, slavery, extreme poverty, random Cinderella actor/actress from humble beginnings. A really famous actor playing someone ugly or an opposite gender.

Immediately everyone swoons and claps and cries and says "they deserve it!" or "this story just speaks to me on a primal level"!

So in celebration of the downtrodden heroes of life Hollywood spends MILLIONS of dollars on a show where everyone is wearing clothes they spent millions of dollars on and is basically nothing but a huge advertisement. If you watch  with a simple and trusting mind you think Hollywood is a place where everyone is friends and supports each other in their creative endeavors. You don't think of it as place where people's self worth is so inflated for merely portraying REAL people who live everyday lives. (I would be happy to make a few million to start in a dramatic tale about my life…let's get that that going). Then to dress it up and "celebrate" it. I don't know. It seems so fake and gross to me EVEN THOUGH I love movies and television and a really good story. I also love beauty and well fashioned dress or suit. But it makes me sick sometimes to think about it.

That is my first thought of today's rambling post!

Other thoughts that are vaguely tangential to that thought:

Apartment Therapy. 

Ugh, I have such a love hate relationship with that site.

On one hand it is like a dream come true that I can have many visual tours of other peoples homes to gawk at in my jammies and couch time at the end of the day. ON the other hand….

EVERY DANG APARTMENT/HOUSE IS THE SAME. It has a formula! (surprise, surprise!) And everyone says the same thing about their "style" and how they "curated" their home. (20% craigslist, 30% West Elm, 10% local stores, 10% hand me downs, 30% DIY).

The walls will be white because HELLO it's the next natural phase after all the grays that have been dominating the last few years. Everyone says "it's just so crisp and clean and breath of fresh air". I in many ways agree and have seen many a white wall I love. BUT. (Everyone is doing it so if I do it, will I be just another hack? I still like my grayish beige-y walls. I feel like I'm inside a cinnamon and sugar pop tart. I can accessorize with any colors I want and it won't clash. I know I'm not taking any "risks" by why does making a comfortable home need to be riddled with RISK TAKING????? NO one ever comes over to our house to be amazed by all the alleged risk taking!)

The area rug will be either aztec or a textured piece from West Elm (oh "but we got it on sale" everyone says…if you are living in a New York Brownstone we know you have money so don't try to be all I do things on the cheap! You don't know what doing things on the cheap means! enjoy that aspect about your life!) The couch? Mid-century. The art? Things they have diy-ed or bought on etsy and says things like "for like ever" ironically and stuff. There will be specifically placed house plants and pets looking emo and hip. AND SO MUCH NATURAL LIGHT the evils of fluorescents have need dained touched their pale pasty skin. There will be Apple products everywhere and husbands and wives who look the same with the same hair cut, body type, weight, and outfit. One of them is always vaguely asian. They are always casually photographed on their uncomfortable looking expensive  but made to look vintage couch where they probably never eat on look aloof and like skinny jeans are in fact comfortable.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of tours and ideas I absolutely love from that site and I clearly frequent it daily. I just get bogged down in minutia. I want a home I love but my taste changes because I look at different stuff each day. I need a better balance of looking at things to increase my creativity and to STOP LOOKING at things that just make me annoyed or burnt out.


ON TO MY NEXT POINT:

Every time I see a trailer for a new show or movie I cringe because there are always elements from my own story I want to write and then I feel like another hack/lame-o/lack and original thought-haver. I guess I should just hurry up and write it and let the chips fall where they may.

I keep repeating to myself "there is nothing new under the sun so deal with that and make the characters  RELATABLE and you will be proud of anything you write".


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That's just a nonsense look into the thoughts I think.

Hopefully there will be more coherent and consistent posting thorughout March.

Until next time!
-Carrie