tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42683764844366158452024-02-06T19:15:51.584-08:00Life in Technicolortechnicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-43044336703207900392018-01-05T10:19:00.003-08:002018-01-05T10:19:56.046-08:00OH written word I'm a Fair-weather Friend; Also--Continuation/Stuck Fear Well, I think yesterdays post helped a small amount. I'm reluctant to get excited almost because I don't want to set myself up for being super BUGGLED should the feeling a little better be short lived. Not trying to be negative, but trying to be realistic. Two steps forward, one step back, progress is progress but it's not always in a straight line.<br />
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Anyways, I've gotten lazy with writing. Lazy with processing my feelings. Written word I am a fair-weather friend! I know it's good to write (good for ME to write) as a way to make demarcations in my life. Process seasons and times, important and small details that make up my life. I know, I sound like such a millennial or something worrying about processing my feelings so much. But it's always been a thing that's been important to my life is to PROCESS. I've always been slow to process too. The seasons and happenings either go too quickly or are too cyclical and come back around too fast that I'm not anywhere caught up or like even excited about the prospect. Like, I love fall and Christmas and spring and summer, but everyone gets SO JAZZED about them like we've never had seasons before or we didn't just have that one not that long ago. Like how in July everyone was making posts about being excited for boots and PSL and I feel like we just had that and why are people acting like it's been 50 years since the last autumn. And then it gets into my head. This is an example of me overthinking things. BUT, maybe God made me that way? An overthinking, deep thinking, sometimes to my advantage sometimes to my DISADVANTAGE in my head kind of person. I guess I need to learn to yield that strength/weakness in the proper channels.<br />
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I need to face another fear that has been swirling in my head like a clinging monster. I don't know if anyone will understand this one or not, but I'll do my best to explain. I do keep imagining myself with a sword swiping at these issues, cutting them up into more manageable and digestible things to confront, sometimes I really should listen to my imagination. It's literally telling me my mind is at battle. Time to listen! Time to fight! So my "continuation fear" as I've called it is like this: I get to thinking that I'll be stuck in this mindset. And everything will go on and continue to change around me but I'll never be able to catch up or be in the moment with all of it. I'll always be thinking "how am I gonna pass the time today? or tomorrow? Or the next day? Will I be ok? Will my thoughts be at ease or will I be worrying about if I'm feeling ok about how the time is or just passing time to pass time to get through? Will I ever start just enjoying the process of life again?!" Like everything will just be me over and over and over doing the same things, never feeling any differently, no demarcations to days/weeks/years/seasons of life. Like all of a sudden I keep thinking, how have I passed the time in my life up until this point without worrying about it?! How have I watched tv, read books, chilled out, did things for fun, without it seeming empty and meaningless?! I know, reading this it's like "um,what? this is your fear? you have plenty of other things to worry about and plenty of things to live for and THIS you're worried about?" I know! I'd like to kick these thoughts to the curb. I know I have value in the eyes of the Lord and I'm getting to do the job I've always wanted: RAISING MY CHILDREN! I have Ted and my life with him is full of meaning. I have interests and hobbies and know one day I'll serve people in other ways too, either through working or volunteering or through writing or whatever. I KNOW THAT. But knowing and feeling is so different. I'm so frustrated these type of thoughts are haunting me, but I know God can and will renew my mind and spirit. He has never failed to bring me through any trial, so I know it's a matter of me working on my FAITH (not saying oh this is because I'm doing something wrong). But I always get so quick to doubt when things go awry. I want to learn to jump into complete trust with the Lord from the get go. But trust is also choosing to trust even when your doubts and fears are threatening to swallow you up so I must remind myself of that too.<br />
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Whoa, I guess I thought after conquering vaginismus and infertility (all God things) I would kind of coast through life (not coast, but I guess I was expecting to coast!) and now I'm realizing ok that's ridiculous. I guess coast isn't exactly accurate. More like bask in all He has done in my life and enjoy the heck out of this next stage in life. All of which I am doing/was doing ect. But hey, I should take it as a compliment He's still working on me, growing me, changing me, and challenging me. He's not finished yet, maybe this could all be the beginning. I need to know, that whatever I go through I can always use it to encourage others. To let them know they're not alone, and things can get better. I have been able to encourage other women who struggle with vaginismus and that has been awesome. I will try and get back into doing that more! I can also encourage other women struggling with infertility. That is always on my heart as well. Oh the wait for children was hard and I wouldn't want to go back to those days, but now I can appreciate them for molding me and shaping me and really allowing me to cherish the chance to be a mom (when I'm feeling like myself lol). It almost broke me but God got ahold of me and used it for my good. So I need to remind myself boldly of all of that, especially when doubts and fears creep in. Or blindside. Or attack.<br />
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Two days in a row. I need to keep this up. MENTAL LYMPHATIC SYSTEM, YOU GET TO DRAINING!!!!!<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-8396362274996643862018-01-04T10:55:00.002-08:002018-01-04T10:55:15.967-08:00on trying to describe and survive a breakdown I have such a burning desire to write about this but simultaneously absolute DREAD to try to put this ordeal/experience into words! I know I need help processing whatever it is that is happening to me, so I need to be brave and at least <i>try</i>. <div>
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I feel like I need a dozen good sob fests but can't muster any tears. I feel like I need to be angry and rage but can't muster that up either. The only feelings I'm having are dread, hopelessness, fear, emptiness, and anxiety! Ugh, it's awful! Coming from someone who LOVES to have joy and peace in her life, I'm really at a loss. This is NOT my forte and I feel like a stranger in my own body. While I know I'm feeling slightly better than I was last week and the week before, this is such a heavy burden to carry everyday (and night, because I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL so the days are REALLLLLLLLYYYY long). What makes it worse, is I don't know exactly what the root is (besides depression? anxiety? hormones? all of the above?) so I vacillate between being afraid of sleeping or trying to sleep and being afraid of this terrible awful no good very frustrating feeling lingering around FOREVER and robbing me the joy in my life. </div>
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I remember the afternoon it started; I was really tired. Sawyer took a three hour nap (which is unheard of! She's currently in her bed doing donkey kicks and not at all napping) and I pretty much just laid there in bed with a feeling like something was coming on. Like a cold or something, just that totally exhausted feeling you have before the onset of an illness. I shook it off and chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and having a toddler and life and the fact that it was a Friday. We had Olive Garden takeout that night and I remember having a lot of it and feeling uncomfortably full all night, stomach kind of upset. I know that's kind of normal for me during pregnancy, to feel really full and gross after eating a small to normal amount. I kind of wallowed in that all night while we watched tv and hoped I could "burp it out", with the help of some ginger ale I did somewhat. We went to bed, tired and ready for a good nights sleep. (Which for me means, getting up once or twice to pee ect taking awhile to get back to sleep). I remember just rolling over in bed and my heart started racing and I couldn't breathe. Like it was pounding out of my chest. I jumped out of bed to go sit downstairs and try to calm down or figure out what was happening. This went on with nervous pacing, wondering if I was dying, doing my best to take a deep breath, and freaking out. I kept telling myself "if this doesn't stop by 2 am I'm going to the ER!!!" I willed myself to drink some tea and sit still for at least 10 minutes. I even set the timer. This was torture. (Sitting still has been on and off complete torture for the last several weeks!) By 1:57 I was able to tell my heart was slowing down a little, but felt like it was beating strangely. I couldn't quite catch my breath but I could enough to go back upstairs and try to lay down. I think I was so exhausted from being scared I did go to sleep. The next day I thought it was all over. I woke up and told Ted about it and he was sad I didn't wake him up when it was happening. My philosophy is to try not to wake up the other parent so at least one of us can be energetic the next day. I should have woke him up though! </div>
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We took Sawyer to the library for a holiday party and I felt out of breath still, but I know that is common during pregnancy so I tried not to worry. I felt ok! I probably just had a weird night, ate too much, this could be heartburn or something. I wanted to be present with Sawyer and make a fun memory. But the moment we got home, the feelings of dread and terror rushed back. All of a sudden I was scared of my own house that had always been a haven and refuge for me. I can't quite describe it but I felt panicked just being there, haunted. I know this sounds dramatic, pregnancy hormones, whatever but as a rational and down to earth person I couldn't fight or shake these feelings of impending doom. I couldn't sit still, I had to pace, range, or throw myself into a project to even continue existing. I kept chanting to myself "nervous energy, freaking out!" trying to put words to what was happening, trying to take the power away from the feeling by identifying it and thinking about it rationally. Over the course of the next several weeks, I would have on and off heart racing and breathing spells. I was afraid to go to bed at night, and feeling like a nervous wreck around my house. I would cry when Ted went to work. I didn't feel safe in my own body and I was spiraling so low I was frightened of it. Terrified. Exhausted. Thoughts going haywire and not letting me relax even in my own head. Zero concentration. Lots of calls the nurses line, doctors office, and my mom. Not knowing what to do or if I could even keep going on. Typing this out I wish I was crying, it would feel so GOOD to cry. All I can think of is I'm only feeling slightly better than all that! I was so annoyed when the nurse told me it was anxiety. I felt like NO something is desperately wrong with me! They sent me to a cardiologist. I went to see another OB about medication to help me through this. Of course I got my hopes up thinking well this could just simply be a physical issue and needs fixed. It would give me a little hope. The cardiologist tested my thyroid, it all came back within range. All of my heart tests were good. (which is GOOD, I don't want to have heart problems of course). I wore the chest holter for 24 hours and of course no "events" happened while having it on! I went to a sleep clinic due to severe insomnia that is leaving me feeling even more like I'm losing my mind. </div>
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Basically, after tons of appointments and running around and having hope only to go back to being numb/anxious I have an elevated heart rate due to pregnancy (which is normal) and sometimes experiencing tachycardia (which is also normal). So right now it seems my main thing I'm dealing with is DEPRESSION and ANXIETY. Which is killing me. I'm not enjoying my pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to any of this. I'm forever worried I will NEVER feel better and be a horrible parent to Sawyer and her sister. The days seem long, hard, and heavy in ways I can't describe. My joy is gone and I miss it terribly. I don't know which is the culprit, the insomnia or the depression or if they are going hand in hand like twin devils. If I sleep decently one night I'm still terrified of the next night. And the day that follows it. And the day that follows after that. OH I hate writing this but I feel like my mental lymphatic system is backed up in the nastiest of ways and I know I need to get this down and out and at least semi processed. I miss having regular pregnancy hormones from last time around. Feeling mad, feeling sad, feeling happy, feeling annoyed, feeling hungry, feeling sleepy. Like, ok I can handle those feeling fluctuating, telling yourself ride out the hormones, don't take your feelings TOO seriously ect. </div>
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This is a whole different beast. </div>
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My soul is raw inside. Raw and incapable of having the emotions I think it should. Like I wish I could get mad. Or cry. But I just keep going in this like "enduring" way with everything and it keeps beating me down. I know I'm doing everything I can to get better and there are moments of feeling more or less like myself. But they are only moments. I keep having this image of me crawling through a burning tunnel, with Ted and Sawyer at the end. I know I need to keep going through whatever this is to get back to them. I love them both and the new baby so much. I know one day (and hopefully soon!) I will feel like myself again. Not that it was perfect but I was content and joyful. I could get mad, sad, ragey, and get over it. Process it. Talk about it, move on. I was so excited for baby number two, so taken aback by how God brought her into existence! Marveling that we didn't need any fertility treatments and basically when we decided it was time to try we were pregnant. Maybe I haven't quite processed it all and everything has caught up to me. <b>Maybe being a stay at home mom to a spirited toddler is harder than I'd like to admit and maybe I've stopped feeling so I won't feel the negative feelings because they make me feel scared and guilty.</b> Maybe I was struggling before this and everything has come to a head. I don't know. My doctor told me everyone has a threshold and sometimes you hit it without realizing it was coming. He also said your mental state is totally different for a second pregnancy and it's ok. I know being at home all day with a little one has maybe broken my brain a little bit. I know I need to get out more and make more friends, but mostly I have been content at home. I don't want to blame this on anything but it doesn't mean I don't need to improve or pivot in some areas in life. Oi. I just wanted to "coast" to the end of this pregnancy and pour into Sawyer and cherish these final days as a family of three. I knew the winter coming would be hard but I was like "hey I'm a preschool teacher we'll find things to do". Now I feel overdosed on all PBS kids shows to the point I get a headache hearing them on the tv and their theme songs haunt me at night (I know this sounds funny but I'M SERIOUS). Some days I want to burn all of Sawyers books because I can't stand to read them one more time but the feelings feel far away, muted, and like I can't quite connect to them. Sometimes I feel comforted by our routine and lately I feel trapped and scared and smothered by it and wondering how did I get myself into this mess. </div>
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I miss having an appetite, I miss feeling drowsy and sleepy, I miss not worrying about sleep, I miss not worrying about the future in strange and obscure ways. I miss being comforted by my house and Daniel Tiger and the sound of the dishwasher humming and knowing I'm there with my girl and we'll be ok. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin and being excited about things. I miss that I missed Christmas pretty much by being in a heightened scared fugue state, putting one foot in front of the other. I miss looking forward to relaxation time with Ted after Sawyer goes to bed. I miss being the first one to fall asleep and feeling so safe and loved. I miss taking pride in what I do with Sawyer each day and when I accomplish a task like cleaning or cooking. I miss being comforted by prayer and reading my Bible. I miss enjoying looking at pictures of her and marveling at how far we've come and how much I love her. I miss enjoying my thoughts and finding refuge in my mind palace. I miss being excited about music and movies and books and friendships. I miss being excited about a new baby. I miss wanting to plan her room. I miss finding joy in preparing for her arrival. I miss having a feeling or thought and it not haunting me in strange ways. I miss being able to see another pregnant person and feel excited for her instead of anxiety and dread, or jealousy that she's handing it all so well with several other kids in tow. I miss scrolling through Instagram and enjoying memes or seeing what other moms with toddlers and babies are up to that day. Now it makes me feel crazy and jumpy and worried I'll never have the ease of thought or in my days that these women do. (I know rationally everyone has struggles) this is just where my mind goes. I miss feeling ok to be lazy and lethargic. I miss feeling driven to do something because I'll enjoy the process and the completed project. I miss the feeling of thriving. I even miss getting annoyed or frustrated with Ted and Sawyer. Because those were real emotions and I would get over them. They seemed to fit whatever would be happening. Now I feel like a passive, nervous, willing to do whatever dullard so they will maintain homeostasis and I won't have to deal with it or feel guilty for upsetting things. Or because "it's the least I can do". Or because I'm on autopilot and cannot deal with my real although way submerged feelings. Like my brain is broken and I've shut it all down, the only things allowed in are fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. </div>
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Oh my. I wish writing this all down helped more but I think it helped a little and that is progress and that is something. I guess I'm resentful at having to go through this. I know that's silly, because it just IS and it IS happening and I'm going to need to fight and face it I can't just wish it away. But I wish I could! I'm tired of fighting my thoughts, of being too in my head, and not being present. I hate being hyperaware, I hate feeling like I have to be super vigilant or "it will get me". I hate having to talk myself into doing anything but also not feeling relaxed doing nothing. I hate that my home feels scary and not comforting. I'm tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling guilty, and tired of questioning if I was meant to be a parent. I'm tired of questioning whether or not I can actually do this. Oh I'm so tired. I'm tired of the realization that I have 12 more weeks of pregnancy to go and wanting it to be over and fearing that won't bring any relief just pile on another baby and this THING will never lift and I'll always be weighed down by it and be ROBBED of being present for the experience of meeting my child. </div>
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Uggghhhh. Ok, I know these thoughts are like dark and scary. This is why I need to write them down. I am under care of a physician and am crying out to the Lord for help. Some days are much better than others. Some nights are much worse than others. I guess I truly need to learn one day at a time mentality. I will keep doing what I can to help things. I'll pray for direction, for strength, for comfort, and for protection over my thoughts and heart. I'll try not to be afraid to look myself in the eye in the mirror. To tell myself I'm enough even though this is happening. That I didn't cause it to happen by not being perfect. That it doesn't mean I'm not thankful for my life and husband and kids. That it doesn't mean I don't love them enough. That it doesn't mean I'm broken forever. That this is hard but temporary and there is joy up ahead. </div>
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<b>"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged". Deuteronomy 31:8</b></div>
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technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-78190833633603280502017-07-28T08:57:00.003-07:002017-07-28T08:57:52.279-07:00Year One in Retrospect My little girl is one! (A few days shy of 13 months to be exact). Sawyer and I have BOTH learned so much this year, it's amazing. I don't even know where to begin or what to say. I've done terribly keeping up here with memories and thoughts from the year, but I also didn't want to pressure myself into "forcing" that and allow myself to live in the moment (I know, cliche alert!) and just BE. All the struggle to get here required so much brain power, thought, growing, just mental energy. Just being is a gift and it was so good to "just be" for such a long while.<br />
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Now it's time to begin again, to start growing again, thinking again, learning again. I know I've done a lot of that this year but to get down with words always helps solidify the experiences in my mind. We've got the first year under our belts it's time to look ahead to the future and enjoy TODDLERHOOD! But first, I'll try to find my words about the journey that was the first year of getting to be with our little Sawyer Bear.<br />
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I can say now that I am 100 times more confident at being Sawyer's mom. The beginning was so hard and scary even though I didn't truly realize or admit that to myself at the time. It's such a strange thing to go from being an expectant parent to an actual parent. It's hard, but amazing. Everyone says that. Everyone rolls their eyes at it because EVERYONE says it. And you feel like they're talking down to you, and maybe some of them are. Some are just being honest but they all say it's GOOD even though it's hard and that is the truth! <b>One important thing I've learned over the last year is</b> <b>being a mom requires an equal amount of rigidity and flexibility, a delicate dance and balance. </b><br />
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In the beginning it's so crazy because even though newborns can't move or talk they sure are DEMANDING. The hardest part was making sure she was eating every couple hours, because baby just wanted to SLEEP DURING THE DAY and had such a hard time waking up to eat. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere with this tight schedule much less shower, cook, clean, eat, go to the bathroom. You picture this peaceful life with a cuddly newborn (she was cuddly! she loved napping on me!) but it's highly demanding even though from the outside you think "awwwwwwww". But it's really good. The natural order does break parents in slowly and somewhat gently. Like a frog slowly getting boiled, LOL. They're demanding but you can watching tv, talk, and not worry about certain things. Your life is run on a tight 90 minute cycle of eat play sleep and I remember not even feeling like days mattered, just those 90 minute cycles. That slowly got longer....now she's old enough she basically just has a schedule like a normal person but includes a nap and sometimes two. Which is crazy to think about!!! My main takeaway from the newborn season is that you can survive--it's only for a season. Tell yourself it gets better and enjoy the parts that make that stage so amazing. All the firsts, this is a new person to the world and you get the privilege of being their guide! Of acclimating them to the world. It's huge and it's awesome. It's mundane and it's hard. I remember feeling like I just couldn't even put her down for even a minute. And it was claustrophobic at the time, but now she's walking and it's hard to get much snuggle time (unless we're watching Daniel Tiger!) It happened really fast even though at the moment I couldn't possibly fathom it.<br />
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Then there were the days where I'd set up her play quit and lay out toys for her to explore. We would listen to music. Ted worked later hours and that was so hard for me. I know he worked the same amount of hours (had Wednesdays off) but the long days really got to me. But Sawyer and I enjoyed listening to music, (The Sound of Music Soundtrack!) playing, and being together. We would try to go on walks and do little things here or there like run to Target or the park.<br />
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I think the hardest milestone for her to achieve was rolling over. She would do so well rolling from back to belly, but she had a HECK of a time rolling back to her back! It seemed like once she mastered that (after lots and lots of frustration) she was suddenly crawling, then standing, then walking all within a really quick timeframe! OH man I couldn't believe one day after work Ted and I were playing with her in the living room and she just stood up and took a step towards him. She was only 10 months old. We were both so proud and felt so thankful to both be there to see it unfold!<br />
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Sawyer has been great with bottles from day one. Breastfeeding was hard, and looking back I'm really not sure I'd ever consider trying that again. Sorry mom world! She drinks down her bottles fast and furious and is like clockwork expecting them. She even sees her bottle and she immediately can't go on with life until she has it, lol! Currently I'm knowing I need to transition her to a sippy cup but I'm not in as big of a hurry as everyone else is about it. Oh well! We'll get there.<br />
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When she started crawling and walking there were a few rough weeks before we got any baby gates. We are not handy and installing things is...well...challenging lol. Currently we need lots more baby proofing but after a frustrating morning with me and the power drill and getting nothing accomplished I decided we're hiring a handy man. Which of course, I need to get on.<br />
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<b>The things I'm most proud of and little big memories;</b><br />
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Sawyer being a happy and fun little girl who likes to explore and play.<br />
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Sawyer learning how to sleep in her own bed! Sleep training was hard. She slept in our room in the pack and play for 6 months and has learned to love her own little room and bed.<br />
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Keeping her fed, three meals a day (plus snacks LOL). Somehow. Somewhat healthy!<br />
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Just keeping up the general maintenance of it all, house, cleaning, cooking, bathing, eating. It's work even though it can be humdrum but keeping up (a lose term of course, lol) is quite a <i>FEAT OF ENDURANCE! </i>And to pray each day asking the Lord to help you do it all with joy. I gotta remember to keep that up. I really want to teach Sawyer to go about the tasks at hand with joy--even when it's hard and mundane. (Because, oh my gosh sometimes I just want to not worry about the house and what's to eat. Said every woman everywhere through out all of time and space!!!!!).<br />
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That Sawyer likes to feed herself and is learning how to use her spoon!<br />
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Showing her off at story time and church---so proud she spent the last Sunday in the nursery both sundayschool AND church!<br />
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Learning to stick to my guns with her schedule. But also to be flexible about it. When it suits me or is something good for her. If not, nope sorry it's naptime. Oh wait, go out for mexican food? Well forget naptime/bedtime! Story time? We can skip nap for that too sometimes. <br />
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That she loves giving smoochies! And will often smooch things she likes, toys and pictures in books included. Especially books with little children or Daniel Tiger. (Yes, Daniel is her favorite).<br />
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How she points to our family picture and grins her toothy grin!<br />
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The time I got her up from nap and she pointed to me and said "mama!" for the first time<br />
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The time I was mad at her for not going down for nap and she pulled herself up to stand for the first time with a big proud of herself grin!<br />
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The time I saw her push herself into sitting up from laying down with one arm, such a swift motion like she'd been doing it all along.<br />
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I'm so proud that she is really just her own little person and always has been and we get to be here to help guide her and witness it.<br />
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I'm proud of her that she doesn't let obstacles STOP her from doing things. She's never afraid to let us know what she wants. She doesn't "pussy foot" around and hem and haw. If she wants cuddles, food, playtime, a toy, someone to read to her...she just goes for it. I need to be more like that. Communicate clearly and don't be embarrassed about asking for what you need. I'm learning so much from her. I'm thankful she feels so comfortable and secure with us she isn't afraid to let us know what she needs.<br />
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(I guess my next post needs to be "things I've learned from Sawyer". Ok I think that is a good post to do!)<br />
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I love when she was brand new and her favorite thing was to stare at the birds on the wall behind our bed.<br />
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I love when she was just a little older than newborn and after her morning bottle she would want to stare and pat my face, with her head cocked to the side just taking me in not ever being deterred from face patting even when i'd try to get her to stop lol.<br />
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I love the way she butt shimmies to music she likes, especially the Daniel Tiger theme song.<br />
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I love her husky little mischievous laugh.<br />
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I love how she walks, toddle/waddle, hands sometimes out like Frankenstein, sometimes out for balance.<br />
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I love how she chases Scout around shrieking with delight, and how he won't fully runaway but looks at us sad that he's being chased. (This is also a source of great frustration, haha).<br />
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I love how sometimes we hear you giggling in your carseat while we drive, playing with some toys and just having your own inside joke<br />
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and I love the way you wave bye bye to me when I put you down or nap and how you sweetly clap when I come back to get you!<br />
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As I've seen others say about their children, <i><b>I'm writing you on my heart, Sawyer. I love you so much!</b></i><br />
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I can't believe I've been a parent for one whole year. We have survived and hopefully thrived as well. I'm so glad we have this year under our belts are looking forward to more stories and lessons together, as a family! Which is something I've yearned to have for so long!<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-41376993546433052672017-07-28T07:55:00.001-07:002017-07-28T07:55:07.633-07:00the interwebs, adult friendships, retrospection, and looking ahead<br />
I'm big into looking back, examining my life, using what's happened to try to learn and grow. But it just hit me specifically to what's been "ennui-ing me" over the internet the last year or so. (When I say internet I mean instagram and blogs I used to read where people move on, as is normal in life). Everything is for a season. I think my attention span is longer than the average bear about certain things so when other people get the unspoken rule it's time to move on to snapchat and instagram live or whatever they're even doing these days (SIGHHHHHH) I'm still in the mode of enjoying hearing people's stories with words and pictures and the big little day to day things that make up our lives. The internet at large is ALWAYS pushing for next next next. In January everyone is freaking out about spring. After the 4th of July everyone is freaking out about fall. I feel like I have these same complaints over the internet but as a mom of a young little person sometimes you depend on it (TOO much I'm realizing writing this all out) for communication with the outside world.<br />
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I am seeing now I need to step back from the DEPENDENCY in feeling those connections and work harder at connecting in more real ways. This is scary for me. Friendships are hard, especially adult friendships. I am so anxious about friendships sometimes. It's easier to feel "bonded" to strangers on the internet because there is no commitment and you can hide when and if you choose to. I have a few close friends but I know in my day to day life I need to do more in regards to getting Sawyer and I "out there" with activities and relationships. I don't want her to be a hermit unless she wants to be one, lol.<br />
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I have days where I don't feel the need to grab my phone. Other days it's like distracting me from my day and I'm wasting so much time. I know it's not ALL wasted because there are people I genuinely enjoy catching up with through social media but I need to practice a little more discipline. I'm trying to figure out joining a mom's group (I know, what is my life even a mom's group sounds so annoying!) but it's through Facebook which I quit long ago and I made up a new and secret one just for this mom's thing and now i can't remember the password even or figure out how to log in. I feel so OLD and IRRELEVANT reading this!!! What is happening to me, lol.<br />
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I guess my slow processing speed is getting in my own way, too. I'm still like "oh wow, I'm a mom! I can't believe it! This is all so new!" And everyone else has like their next two years planned and is all "Your a mom we get it you've been a mom for a whole year thats like 50 years in internet time". I think it's good to have a balance of retrospection and making plans, and living in the moment. (um, ok that's quite the balancing act!) I think I've got a lot of nervous energy pent up with being at home a lot and not making writing and creative outlets a priority. So yeah, time to do that. This a quick post to get that whole internet thing off my chest and move on to an actual post. Hah!technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-62321605222441949102017-01-23T17:37:00.000-08:002017-01-23T17:37:27.754-08:00The Surreal LifeThe word of the year for 2016 has officially been pronounced by Merriam Webster and that word is "surreal".<br />
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Surreal; very strange or unusual. Having the quality of a dream. Marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream, unbelievable. Fantastic.<br />
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Well, I don't think I could have chosen a more accurate word to describe this last trip around the sun. So many people have kicked 2016 to the curb and relish posting sassy memes about how terrible it was. I know so many "surreal" things have happened this year in world news--and it's not that I want to gloss over that. But for me--this year personally has been the best ever!<br />
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This year after many <i>many </i>years of ambiguity, struggle, spiritual warfare, inner turmoil, waiting, and loss of hope (and other words and phrases I could continue on with) we were able to become victorious in our battle to become parents! I wish me from five or seven years....(even eight or nine) could read that last line. I know it was not 40 years in the wilderness but to me it <i>was</i>.<br />
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This past year I had the privilege to carry and give birth to person. A person made in Gods own image. She was made by the Creator of all things and I get to be a main cast in the story of her life. And the beginning of that is and was awesome and SURREAL! It's not that it has been easy or perfect (because what is) but it has been amazing and wonderful and the best experience of my life to date!!! Sometimes I just stare at Sawyer and repeat to myself "you're a mom! You're a mom!" And pray it sinks in one day 😉. And I have God and 2016 to thank. So many amazing memories packed into 12 months. And now I'm looking forward to what's to come. It's so nice (a luxury really) to not feel weighed down and to be excited for the future!!<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-25102074630762965922016-12-13T09:12:00.001-08:002016-12-13T09:15:27.724-08:00What's in a Name?I hear of so many couples who really struggle with choosing a name for their baby. I am so glad this was NOT something we struggled with! We decided when we got pregnant (still, so surreal to even say that!) to keep our names to ourselves--thankfully we had a boy name and girl name we BOTH agreed on...and had agreed on for YEARS! The name was LOCKED AND LOADED! I'm so glad we were both on the same page. And we really didn't want anyone "ruining" it for us by announcing it ahead of time. You know, you share a name you like and the persons face immediately sours? Or they say their cousins neighbors son who is prison for nefarious deeds was named your name in question? Yeah. I was not up for that.<br />
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When Sawyer was born and the name finally revealed (lol, so dramatic) the main question we got was "from where did you get that name?" and "How did you come up with that?" I didn't think she had a "weird" name but definitely not a super common one, especially for girls. (At least, it's not common for girls in our circles but there are TONS of little baby girls named Sawyer Jean and Sawyer Jane if you check your Instagram hashtags like I do, hah! It's definitely a thing!)<br />
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It's not a crazy story how we got her name, we just heard it so many years ago on a baby girl and I my radar went off and I immediately filed it away--like it was 2008 or 2009 that's how long the name has been top on my list. (And no, she's not named after Sawyer from LOST, just incase you're wondering!!!) It struck such a chord with me. It was sweet. A little tomboyish. It referenced literature and journalism. I just thought it was perfect! I didn't want something SUPER well known but not something super "out there". There wasn't a name I liked better and for so long, I just hoped by the time we ever had a baby the name wouldn't be too popular and "ruined" that way either!<br />
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The only thing that I thought was slightly disappointing about her name was the meaning of the name. It's a literal name, it's an occupation name. I love when names have meaning, <i>weight</i>. Because your kid, I mean, that's your whole world and you're trying to build a legacy in raising them. Giving them a name is not something you do on a lark. So I've been giving her name a lot of thought and I'll share with you the meaning I'm giving it, and it ties into it's actual meaning too.<br />
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The name Sawyer means;<br />
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Woodcutter<br />
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Cutter of wood<br />
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Cuts timber<br />
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Of course, if you know me you know I LOVE the woods, trees, forests, and nature. So I don't love the idea of cutting down all the trees, you know? But of course I'm going to look at this symbolically--<br />
and I have some verses picked out to back it up. And for Sawyer to keep for her whole life, her life verses so to speak. Ones I hope are special to her and speak to her of the story that lead to her life and how amazing she is. How special her story is!<br />
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Given all the struggles and the long and winding path, the large mountains it took for her to make her way to us, her name now means;<br />
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<b>Sawyer- one who overcomes or removes obstacles, clears a path where the path is unknown, one who changes the landscape of the world she lives in. </b><br />
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<u><b>Her verses go with her name meaning;</b></u><br />
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<b>Psalm 16:11 </b><br />
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<i>"Thou wilt she me the path of life;</i><br />
<i>in thy presence is fulness of joy;</i><br />
<i>at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore</i>".<br />
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<b>Psalm 138:3</b><br />
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<i>"In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, </i><br />
<i>and strengthened me with strength in my soul". </i><br />
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<b>James 1:1</b>2 (NIV)<br />
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<i>"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because,</i><br />
<i>having stood the test, that</i><br />
<i>person will receive the crown of life that Lord has promised to those who love him</i>".<br />
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Now, I love the meaning behind her name! Overcomes obstacles. Clears a path. Changes the world.<br />
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That's our Sawyer!!!<br />
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I can't wait to see her grow into her name.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-32902756573926186092016-12-01T12:55:00.002-08:002016-12-01T12:55:52.384-08:00Ways to Battle Ennui, and a Vocab Lesson. I Miss Vocab. <br />
<u>ENNUI</u>. My favorite vocabulary word ever. Because it perfectly encapsulates something I struggle with from time to time, and I'm sure others out there do to otherwise IT WOULDN'T BE A WORD! #logic.<br />
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<b>Ennui;</b><br />
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<b>Noun-a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement. </b><br />
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<b>Synonyms-boredom, tedium, lethargy, listlessness, languor, weariness, enervation, malaise, melancholy, world weariness, Weltschmerz. </b><br />
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So many of these synonyms hit home, nothing thrills me more than putting words to feelings!!!!<br />
"World weariness". <b>World Weary</b>-feeling or showing fatigue from boredom with the life of the world and especially material pleasures. I think the world weary hits me hard when I spend too much time on social media. Like, everyone is doing and saying the same things so what does any of it even mean? Connecting with people online can be both wonderful AND detrimental. As "they" say, it's all about the balance!<br />
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It's all part of human nature, to feel the ennui. Because we're not perfect. That being said I'm very very happy with my life and THANKFUL for where I am today. (SO THANKFUL!) But the ennui can get us at any time or place. I think for me it sets in around the holidays as there is so much pressure to have and experience this magical holiday time, sometimes getting overloaded on fun and excitement that nothing can really live up that build up. Then settles in the ennui. "The holidays are over! There's nothing to look forward to besides a long, cold, DARK winter" or "Why don't I feel as Christmassy as I think I should? I just feel regular! Shouldn't I be feeling tinsel-y inside?!?" And so on, haha. You get the idea.<br />
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So today, in anticipation of the good ol' ennui settling in at some point this winter (it's not always the winter for me though, it comes and goes throughout the year) I made a list of things to do to battle it. To be proactive! Because sometimes my baby sleeps and I need to do things during that time to be a person! I wouldn't say ennui is full on depression. No, not at all. I guess it could spiral into that for sure, but mostly it's more like I'm a character in an indie movie. One that does not do well in any of the festivals, LOL. It's like, with some work you can pull out of it. Or just fake it till you make it and it goes away. I think the ennui strikes those of us who spend too much time in our own heads. You extroverts will have to correct me if I'm wrong on that one, though!<br />
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Ok, so here's the list I worked on today with concrete ideas to battle any ennui feelings coming my way. I guess they could also double as just straight up goals too.<br />
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1. Having daily quiet time, prayer, and Bible Study (pretty self explanatory)<br />
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2. Work out!<br />
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3. Prayer time spent specifically on Sawyer, and her future.<br />
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4. Reach out to friends, make plans to get together.<br />
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5. Create a "to read" list. Work through it. Write about each book.<br />
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6. Work on or plan out a home improvement project.<br />
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7. Meal Plan and/or try cooking a new recipe.<br />
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8. WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE WRITE. Ok, this one should be like number four.<br />
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9. Journal about Sawyer's life, scrapbook ect.<br />
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10. Join a mom's group and stay connected even when you don't feel like it. You know, due to "world-weariness".<br />
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11. Clean something.<br />
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12. Donate something.<br />
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13. Create something.<br />
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14. Make a plan/schedule for the day or week.<br />
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15. Encourage someone dealing with a tough issue, (vaginismus, infertility, ect).<br />
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16. Join the writers group thing at the library.<br />
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17. Make plans to connect with family outside of normal holidays.<br />
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18. Do something with or for my niece and nephews.<br />
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19. Listen to a Young House Love podcast! Find other podcasts!<br />
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20. Stare at my baby and continually count my blessings outlaid and write them down<br />
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I hope this is helpful to anyone of you who may also have a little bit of the ennui sometimes. It's ok! We're built to thirst after more than this world. I want to learn to the lean on the Lord during these times and not just "muddle through". I'm tired of "surviving". I'm really enjoying this time in my life of "thriving" and I don't want to lose it!I didn't realize how sweet the taste of thrive really was and now I never want to lose it. I'm addicted! Hehe. I realize, reading my list it all sounds kind of magazine-y pat ways to "beat the blues". Oh well. I think they will help me. At least I have a list of things to do and work.<br />
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That's all for today. Gonna go hang out with the baby, because she's the best! Take that ennui!<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-72025916180949297082016-11-14T06:55:00.002-08:002016-11-14T06:55:29.493-08:00Zero GravityLittle Sawyer is 4 months old! I feel like that is a huge accomplishment. She is healthy (praise the Lord as we know there are NO gaurantees), she is happy (most of the time!), and she is <u>well</u> loved. It is truly a great privilege and pleasure to be able to be there to see every milestone and new skill, to set the tone for what her days look like, and to just <u>get to know her</u> after all the years of wondering what she would be like! When she smiles "it feels like glitter is exploding inside of me!!!!!" (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend anyone?) She's gone from basically being a feral animal, snorting and sniffing to find where her food is to getting "more like a real human" (my nephew) every day and it's the COOLEST thing.<br />
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But you know what? Someone asked me if it felt like "just yesterday" she was born. And I said "nope!!!" It's felt like a lifetime? Not in a bad way, but this has been a huge paradigm shift in my life and it's wonderful but it DOES take some getting used to thats for sure! <b>It's like learning to exist in a world without gravity. </b><i>All the elements of your preexisting life are there but with one major difference that effects everything single thing you do.</i><br />
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So let's dive in, before these memories fade. The beginning, it was, to borrow a phrase...<br />
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It was the best of times.<br />
It was the worst of times.<br />
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I wasn't prepared for how difficult my recovery from giving birth would be. I really think I was so terrified during pregnancy of things going sideways that I didn't really think about giving birth or after very much? Like at all?! Like I was genuinely surprised to have a baby in my house when we got home. Excited, yes. But also surprised! What the heck, self! I was just so concerned with every doctor visit and so on that I would just think about what the next one thing was. I didn't want to get so attached just incase. I'd waited so long my mindset was "I'll believe this when I see it". Well, it happened! She arrived and NOT on schedule (read her birth story for that, well, story). For a really long time it felt like a bowling ball had been ripped out of me and it was hard to sit or stand. It felt like my tailbone was broken (I think it was severely bruised). So many stitches! And breastfeeding...it...was super hard. And I didn't love it. And neither did she. And it wasn't working. And I prayed about it and God gave me a DIRECT answer and our whole fam bam is way happier. Phew! He cares about us and the details of our lives and I'm SO thankful for that!<br />
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Another thing I wasn't prepared for was the amount of "company" we had in those early days. I know it's customary for people to come over and see the baby. But man I felt so crazy, so gross, so in physical pain I wish I would have rested more and just let it be. I was so psycho about feeding the baby, making main floor guest ready, making myself presentable, trying to organize the whole day into fitting around when whoever was coming. I know no one who came to see us would have cared, they just wanted to bring us food and encourage us. I legitimately felt crazy the first month. So much anger. So much crying. Yikes. People would ask "is she sleeping though the night?" (No. And she never will). They would say "when is her bedtime?" (Also never. The answer is never.) Also "are you getting any sleep?" (NO!!!) Even if she does sleep I still can't sleep. I'm busy poking her and mentally WILLING her to stay alive with all my might 24/7. That is exhausting. But nope, still can't sleep. Also the first month we were trying to get her to gain enough weight, which meant waking her from day naps to eat. SHE WOULDN'T WAKE UP THEN but yet somehow she NEVER SLEPT. How those two conflicting stories are both 100 percent true, I'll never know. I guess she never slept at times when I also could sleep, that was her whole mantra. "I'll use all of my cunning to keep mom awake at all times."And no, "tickling her foot" or "changing her diaper" did not wake her up. So yeah, if one more person had told me to tickle her darn foot they were also getting punched along with anyone talking about breastfeeding or sleeping through the night. I'm getting so riled up now thinking about it all!<br />
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So the first weeks were basically stressing over her eating and gaining weight, doctors appointments, visitors, crying, punching, rage, insanity from no sleep (I was getting double vision ), pain and discomfort down south... getting mom neck and shoulder (I mean seriously, this is a thing!) But the first few weeks felt like an eternity. I told that to the pediatrician and they looked concerned. But when you're not really sleeping, time does seem a lot longer, I mean, right?!?! I was like come on, this CAN'T be the first time you've heard this Doc!<br />
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After four weeks--Ted went back to work. I was both sad and glad. I needed to assert my dominance and confidence at this mothering business. You know what they say about having two cooks in the kitchen. But also having two sets of hands for so long was amazing. I love that we are both competent with our baby. I'm proud of Ted. He was hands on from the start and we have all those first memories of all three of us!!! But getting into our rhythm just me and her...it was good for all of us. The newness was wearing off for everyone and we started to see glimmerings of a new normal. I would worry though, worry I wasn't doing enough for her mental development, having enough of a schedule, fending off these "evil bad habits" so many people talk about...as in letting your baby nap on you, not making them sleep in their crib, not making them cry it out at the ripe old age of 6 weeks. NOT MAKING THEM CONFORM TO YOUR STRICT SCHEDULE BECAUSE WHY DID YOU HAVE A BABY IF NOT TO PUT THEM IMMEDIATELY ON A STRICT SCHEDULE!!! The second month (and third month) were about gaining the confidence to get to know my baby and what works for her. She's not ever gonna sleep 12 hours in a row. Deal with it, Babywise! If I make her go to bed at 7pm she will not "sleep longer". She will be awake at midnight and ready to PARTY!!!<br />
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I really struggled in the fear department (and many days I still do). I had so many fears the first few months--I feared that she'd never be a "happy" baby. I feared I'd never be able to put her down and cook or clean or walk to the bathroom. I feared we would never have an "easy" coexistence. I feared she hated me sometimes! (I think that had more to do with the weaning than it did with her actually hating me...I hope? haha). I feared she would NEVER sleep through the night and that I would NEVER sleep even if she was sleeping. I feared I would never want to have another baby because I wasn't strong enough to do this. How could one tiny baby make me doubt everything so much?!<br />
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Have you ever heard baby's first 100 days of life called "100 Days of Darkness"? It is called that for a reason! But oh, the pay off. If you just hang in there...it gets WAY BETTER. I mean, I know there is an ebb and flow to this whole thing but if you just brace for impact and find a way to survive the early days without *actually* punching anyone....<br />
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With time those specific fears have slowly retreated. She is so happy and can often play on her mat or play quilt for a long time! She literally grins and beams at me now. BEAMS. And laughs. She thinks I'm funny! Phew!!! And I'd say she loves me! Some days are really hard and some days fly by in a haze of easy togetherness--playing, learning, loving, life. And everyday is SO GOOD, even the days that are hard.<br />
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And the difficult first days are just a drop in the bucket compared to a whole life of her! And the first days are so precious. I'm so so so thankful every day I get the opportunity to experience all these things, even when it's hard. And every screaming session, every diaper change, every snuggle, every time she fell asleep on me...that's how we bonded. That's how she knew if she needed something I was her person (well, and Ted!) And when I read other mom's accounts of reflux and milk allergies and colic and so on, I mean....wow! Our little gal is easy in comparison! I love that she needs me. And she has NO IDEA how very much I needed her!<br />
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When we first got her home from the hospital she was so so so small. We were so tired and I didn't realize then how scared. Even though I knew I was going to have a baby at some point I was in shock. Frazzled. Nerves raw. I remember just sitting down on the same spot on the couch where a few days before I was timing contractions and calling the doctor, holding her and kissing her cute little cheeks over and over and telling her how much I loved her. I felt like I loved her so much it physically hurt, like I had a stomach ache with how strong the feelings were. The feelings were so big they threatened to burn me up and eat me alive--but those feelings are good because they keep you going when you have nothing left but love to give. They get you through the first days. You're willing to physically fight a bear or lift a car or WHATEVER. You channel those feelings to get you out of bed, to hold her tight when everyone is sleeping but you (because she slept the best right up next to you), to try feeding her again even though the pain is too much, to take a deep breath and try to explain the unexplainable to your husband (how you can be so blissed out and content and full of rage and angry at the same time). You take those feelings and you run on pure adrenaline for as long as you can. God gives you enough, even when you think you have nothing left, you find just enough. Even when I worry I'm not enough for her, God reassures me that just being me and doing my best is QUITE enough for Sawyer.<br />
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The moment she was born, I was reborn too. I'm a new person even though I'm still the old me. So we're learning this together. She's physically young and I'm new to being her mom. Every fiber of me is thankful to be on this journey and I can't wait to keep telling our story. I love you Sawyer Jean, and thank you for making me a mom! It's the best gig I ever had.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-11247962318313443552016-10-13T10:48:00.003-07:002016-10-13T11:55:37.000-07:00This Time Last Year<br />
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This time last year was a strange mix of hope, fear, joy, peace, and managing expectations.<br />
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We were FINALLY on the last leg of our journey to start our family. After so many years of ambiguity and struggle it felt odd to be taking concrete steps that could POSSIBLY make being pregnant a reality. (I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it and she's already here!) One way or another we were going to get some direction. Either our fertility treatments would work, or they wouldn't. We would know. It was so exciting and so daunting.<br />
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This time last year we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. We spent a lot of time enjoying nature. We spent time going to concerts and traveling and enjoying friendships. I remember even though I was anxious there was an underlying peace about everything---when you feel like the weight of not getting pregnant has been on your shoulders for years it's such a relief to know there would be medical intervention! I didn't have to "control" everything anymore. Not that I did or was ever able to control anything...<br />
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This time last year I spent a lot of time reciting verses to myself. Speaking truth to my head and heart. Listening to calming music. Basically I was constantly re-swaddling my renegade emotions. September and October 2015 was such a landmark time in my life and I don't ever want to forget it. The colors, the music, the VIBE (for a less millennial word; "reassurance") that no matter what, everything was going to be ok. While I spent so many years feeling so stuck, life was taking a giant step forward. AND I WAS MOVING WITH IT!<br />
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This time last year I haggled with the insurance company and spent a lot of time on the phone with nurses. I did a lot of really scary stuff that I was really happy to get the chance to do. . I tried to live every day just in that day. In that moment. Instead of constantly worrying about the future. Every single day was like a whole universe to me. I kept thinking all I need to do is do <u>today</u> well. All the "what ifs" were so overwhelming that baby steppin it was the only way I could manage.<br />
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Real joy can't exist without trials. Real gratitude can't exist without having gone without. I truly hope my time of waiting has made me into the person I am meant to be, the best person to be Sawyer's momma!<br />
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Below I'm posting some pictures from this time last year with some of my favorite verses. I don't want to forget the days leading up to the beautiful miracle that is Sawyer. The millions of tiny things that had to go right to get <u>our</u> baby. I am so so thankful. Thankful to be on this side of the wait, and thankful to God for getting a hold of my heart and rescuing it from wallowing in bitterness and "why me". Thankful to God for giving me Ted and our life together; married almost 9 years before our girl arrived and we managed to make the most of it! Thankful for autumn; when everything around us starts to get the most beautiful before it dies for the winter--but now it will always be a time that represents new life to me. Let the emoting and remembering commence!<br />
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"You make known to me the path of life, in your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forevermore". Psalm 16:11</div>
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"I will hold your right hand and I will help you" Isaiah 41:13</div>
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"Whenever I'm afraid; I will trust in you" Psalm 56:3</div>
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"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalm 126:5</div>
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"But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior" Jeremiah 20:11</div>
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"I will go before you; and make the crooked places straight" Isaiah 45:2</div>
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"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm" Exodus 14:14</div>
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"Out of difficulties grow miracles" I Peter 5:10</div>
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"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4 </div>
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"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry". Psalm 40:1</div>
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technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-50057796760766595962016-09-15T09:04:00.002-07:002016-09-15T09:13:51.464-07:00A Sawyer StoryToday she is 11 weeks old. At 2:28 (or 2:26, we can't remember which) am to be "precise" she has already been in our arms for 11 weeks. I have tried so many times to come down to my little office space and write this out because it's such an important thing to remember and document! I couldn't quite grasp this aspect of life before she came; the not being able to do things no matter how hard you plan and cajole. But seriously I have tried for weeks to do this and have been foiled at every turn!!!! (Imagine Sawyer doing Dr. Evil hand and laughing maniacally). She's a baby who sleeps (SUPPOSEDLY) a lot and isn't mobile. How have I not been able to do this?<br />
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Right now the house is a mess. Laundry is piled up. I have birth announcements and thank you notes that may or may not ever get sent out. I think the biggest testament to how time in many ways has stood still (except for her growing, my goodness) is the fact that my calendar down here still reads "June". Because that's when my life changed for forever, and for the better, no matter how tired, out of sorts, and run down I feel. I guess I'm hesitant to turn the page (literally and figuratively) because it's all gone so fast. I know, it's so cliche. Thats what everyone said would happen but it has indeed gone fast. (And slow, I think the pediatrician was concerned when I said her time with us has seemed like one really long day instead of weeks. But when you no longer have sleep to help delineate the line between day and night it DOES feel like one long day!!!)<br />
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I have soo much to say on every single thing and every single thought, but it's hard to capture specific thoughts and expound. My brain is a fog even though our days are getting (sometimes) more patterned and predictable. So for this post, I'm gonna write about her birth. I KNOW, I always rolled my eyes at birth stories before I had one. Now I can't get over what a miracle this whole thing is even though it happens every day. I feel proud of myself and Ted and also a bit traumatized, haha. I guess I better dive in before she wakes up from her catnap!<br />
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The last few weeks before our due date I was on bedrest. I was having high blood pressure and swelling. I mean, it was pretty hot and humid too which didn't help! There were 2 a week non stress tests and ultrasounds to make sure everything was ok. It was scary but reassuring. Many times during the non stress tests they would have to prod her awake to make sure she was ok. If only she'd sleep that well now:) But it was a bit nerve wracking! During the pregnancy I was seeing whoever was available at my closest office, I prefer seeing MY doctor but I liked all the other one's too. But once the high blood pressure kicked in I determined only see MY doctor. She had been with us from the start and I know she would take the precautions necessary to see us through! 2.5 weeks before our due date my doctor came to chat with me in the exam room after the ultrasound. She told me that Sawyer was in a transverse position even though she had been head down the week before. She gave me the option of C-Section of trying to "flip" the baby. I know, most people would choose trying to flip the baby but after thinking about it for the night I called to let her know I wanted the C-Section. She had said there was a chance I would need it anyways so I liked the idea of "knowing" what to expect and when to expect her. I was so anxious about labor!!!! I thought maybe this was God's way of giving me some peace about the whole thing. Looking back and rationally thinking it's like the baby is gonna come out one way or another at some point in time---so calm down! But no I was so uncomfortable and in no way calm. She'd warned me that going into labor wouldn't be good for the transverse position because she could NOT come out that way. Then after a painful exam (those freaking cervix checks!!!!!!!) she told me confidently I wouldn't be going into labor anytime soon. That was Tuesday June 28th. (And spoiler alert---this was my last full nights rest maybe EVER!!!)<br />
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The next day was Wednesday June 29th. Our C-Section was going to be either Friday or Saturday and Ted had the day off. We had plans to go out and have one last "fun" (as fun as being 9 months pregnant and anxiety ridden can be). When I woke up I knew something was off. I attributed it to the high blood pressure and thought I had an upset stomach. I kept trying to use the bathroom to no avail. I thought "this is what I need right now, stomach issues!!!") I was determined not to be the whiny pregnant person who claimed every ache and pain was the worst ever. I had been resting for weeks why was I feeling so weird?! So I got ready for the day. I should have known what was happening but I didn't. I'm dumb. I've never been in labor before and I wasn't accepting that labor could be a possibility?! SO DUMB. I should have known I was in labor when I couldn't bear the sound of Ted talking until the "feeling" passed. Didn't realize I was having contractions because they didn't feel how I thought they would? Again, dumb!!! I put the brakes on our plans for the day because I was feeling so out of it. We went to lunch though and I just remember feeling like "I'll never feel better again. I'll always feel this way. There's no way out. What is happening to me!" As the afternoon progressed I finally told Ted we should probably go to the hospital just to "rule out" contractions due to the C-Section ect. Cue a very uncomfortable 40 minute car ride. He dropped me off at the door and I hid in the bathroom again. I kept thinking "if only I can go I'll feel so much better!" (DUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBB!) Sitting down and leaning forward was the only thing that even remotely helped.<br />
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When Ted got in from parking we took the elevator up to triage. They got my info and took me back to the tiny room and hooked me up to the machine. The nice nurse said yes I was having contractions (argh!!!!) and the ultrasound they did revealed she was HEAD DOWN AGAIN. I started to panic!!! This meant I was really going to have to push this baby OUT OF MY BODY. After another painful cervix check the nurse told me my contractions just weren't strong enough to really start labor so I was to go home. Zero dilation. At this point I thought "if these aren't strong contractions then I don't think I can handle this!!!!" So I waddle out of the hospital defeated and scared and really just wanting to sleep and forget about it all. I kept thinking a lot of women say they have contractions for DAYS and I just thought maybe I can sleep it off? Maybe they'll go away? I'm still days away from my due date after all. If I have to endure this feeling for weeks I'll need all the sleep I can get!<br />
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When we got in the car it was rush hour and the freeway was backed up so we took a scenic route home (i.e. long route). I couldn't talk. I couldn't think well formed thoughts or sentences. I just kept thinking "I can't feel this way for days. I just can't. Lord help me!!!" When we finally got home Ted put our hospital bags in the car for "just in case". I came right in and said I need to sit on the couch for a few minutes before going to bed. The "feeling" was coming a lot close together and sooooo much more intense. I felt like a wild animal the pain was so much. At one point I remember crawling on the floor, trying to find some position to MAKE IT STOP!!! I never made it upstairs to "go to bed" lol. Finally I downloaded an app on my phone to time the contractions (aka "feelings" haha). They were coming 4 and 5 minutes a part! I should have crawled back to the car but I was so afraid of riding back to the hospital and not being admitted AGAIN that I was determined to not go back until I was officially in full blown labor. (news flash--you ARE in full blown labor!!!!) We called the on call doctor and I was sobbing. "Please don't make me come unless you will admit me!!!!" The doctor on call said "I can't check you over the phone...so you'll need to come back". So Ted helped me out to the car for THE.WORST. CAR RIDE. OF. MY. LIFE! I couldn't talk. I couldn't think. I was almost in a whole other plane of existence. I can't describe it. I was trying to be brave. I kept reminding myself I wasn't dilated so I'll probably have to live this way for days. I thought I would probably die first. I thought this SERIOUSLY. That I couldn't live like this for any amount of time much less DAYS! (So much drama). We finally get back to the hospital where Ted says "you can walk from he parking lot right?" I glared at him with the power of 1,000 suns until he dropped me off at the door. I hid in the bathroom again. (Sitting and leaning forward was the only position that I felt I could even remotely handle the pain). I yelled at Ted to get me a wheel chair when I came out. (I'm realizing this was all very "sitcom-y"). We land back in triage where I see the desk nurses smirk to each other as in "look who is back already". I could no longer be pleasant. I could no longer keep it together. I hid in the bathroom again when the triage nurse asked me to give a urine sample. I couldn't. There was none. I was kneeling on the floor thinking I'd like to just lay down and black out. The nurse kept trying to make jokes. I wanted to cuss and scream. I kept an intense face and tried to endure the pain through out all the talking and questions and Ted ASKING ME WHAT MY SNAPCHAT USER NAME WAS. (Now is not a good time, TED!)I told the nurse if she didn't admit me I would scream in the lobby until someone knocked me out with drugs. Finally we came to yet another cervix check. It hurt so badly and she kept wanted to keep going. (AM I DILATED OR AM I NOT LADY?)! She said I was dilated to four centimeters from what she could tell but "it maybe wasn't accurate because I couldn't lay still". YOU LAY STILL WITH PERPETUAL ONCOMING CONTRACTIONS WOMAN! But I was getting admitted! The pain was so bad and constant I started begging for an epidural. The nurse said I needed the IV first and then an entire bag of liquid before the epidural. (FUDDDDGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE!) They finally get the IV in after MANY tries. The nurse kept trying to make jokes. I love jokes. I'm sure on any other day of my entire life I would have seriously appreciated her jokes. But I've never wanted to kick anyone and run away so much in my life. (Well, waddle away). We get the word we're going up to Labor and Delivery. I'm assuming I'll be there for like a day being in labor. I was in so much pain but so thankful to being just that much closer to an epidural. I know it's weird, but honestly I wasn't even thinking "this much closer to seeing my baby" because I was assuming it would be 24 hours or something. You always hear first time moms are in labor for days while slowwwwwwwwly dilating and then pushing after being in labor for forever.<br />
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They drop me in our room with a nice nurse who pursed her lips when I asked to go to the bathroom. I knew I didn't have to go but sitting on that darn toilet and leaning forward was THE ONLY THING that could help. They said it could take an hour for my fluids to transfer. I did NOT want to lay on my back for an hour with the constant pain. I begged for the epidural NOW. Ted was texting (our friends and family to update). I felt wild. Like I wasn't a person anymore. Like I would do or give or say anything to not be in pain anymore. The nurse said "based on how you're acting, I'm gonna call the anesthesiologist now instead of waiting". PRAISE THE LORD. Trying to arch my back and sit still during this was soooooooo hard. I didn't know if I was going to be able to do this. I was so fearful that it wouldn't take and I'd be left in this pain for hours. Thankfully, God helped me. He held my hand in the form of Ted and the nurse and worked a miracle for me to sit still. When they had me lay back I could still feel the contractions which the monitor was showing were constant. No break in between. CONSTANT. The doctor checked me (and no pain! hallelujah!) and everyone started rushing around. I was almost to 9cms! The anesthesiologist actually came BACK when he heard that and gave me another hit of something. This was VERY shortly after I had been admitted. Take THAT nurse who said my "contractions weren't strong enough!" Ugh. Leave it to my body to do that, lol. I was in heaven though. I could still feel and move my legs and feel the contractions but it was no longer pain. Just feeling. Then my heart rate dropped. 15 people rushed into the room. They helped me roll side to side and did a bunch of stuff that I wasn't paying attention to. I didn't care what was happening. I have never been so thankful to not be in pain. Ted was standing off to the side looking panicked. A doctor came over to reassure him everything was going to be ok. Whatever was happening righted itself (side effect from the epidural) and it was time to push. TIME TO PUSH. I was shaking from head to toe. Another side effect from the epidural. Finally I told Ted "I guess she wanted to come in time for Wimbledon". He smiled and knew I was feeling like myself again if I was feeling up to making jokes. The doctor and nurse taught me how to push effectively. Breathe, hold my breath, then push while counting to ten. After a few tries I got it down. They said the baby was stuck under my pelvic bone and I would push for no more than 3 hours before deciding to do something else. Then the doctor left and it was just me, Ted, and our nurse. She was friendly, blond, had hilarious stories, and was encouraging.<br />
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I was still stunned that we had went from expecting a c-section in a couple days to already PUSHING OUT THE BABY. But I was relieved the hard parts were over. I wasn't in pain. The baby was ok. I felt enough adrenaline and now I was prepared to push. I would push as long as it took as long as I wasn't in pain, lol. Ted was a really good coach. He and the nurse pushed my knees back and counted for me while I pushed. They kept me entertained. They kept me talking. Ted texted my mom and Andrew and Christen updates. A few times poor Ted looked so woozy the nurses brought him cookies and juice, hah! He doesn't do well with blood so I know he was being brave too. The doctor (who was VERY nice) came in to check on us a lot. They said the labor and delivery floor was full! I think the shift in weather had sent a lot of us into labor. After about 2 hours and 15 minutes of pushing the doctor said it was almost time. They got everything set up to catch her. The doctor spent a good amount of time stretching me out (thank you, thank you, thank you, epidural) and with one final push she all of a sudden came out! After 2.5 hours of pushing she was here and kicking and screaming! I was in shock and shaking uncontrollably from head to toe. They put her on me and she opened one eye to give me a once over. The look said "are you my mom?" and then she settled down. It was so surreal and I couldn't stop shaking. After what was I'm sure only seconds they gave her to Ted. I needed stitched up and they couldn't do it with me shaking so much (mix of hormones and the epidural). Oh the stitches. It took forever. Second and third degree tears and a severely bruised tailbone. At that point I didn't care though. I kept staring at the back of her little head while Ted was holding her, skin to skin. She was OURS. She was HERE. And we were ALL OK! After all the years of waiting she was in our arms. I pushed her out. She had lived inside of me. And now she's sitting next to me in her car seat miraculously sleeping long enough for me to make an attempt to put it all into words. I can't put it into words. But I need to try. Because it's so important. And I don't want to forget any of it, even the hard parts.<br />
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In my phone the pictures went from this LAST bump shot to this little squishy squish!</div>
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Our funny and awesome L&D nurse:)</div>
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Sawyer said "seriously is Wimbledon STILL on?"</div>
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7 lbs and 10 oz of squish! I feel like she looks like a totally different baby now! </div>
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Couldn't sleep in the hospital. I look so out of it. I was. </div>
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Going home from the hospital! </div>
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Kindly strangers had to help us with the car seat, haha. These "easy" one click deals are gonna be the death of us. </div>
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It's funny when they still have tags on them, like you went to the store and picked one out! We would choose her a million times over if that was the case. Maybe we would have spent extra on a 1 year sleep warrantee LOL</div>
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Family of three. </div>
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Cuddles are by the far the best thing about this gig!</div>
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-42107148392687149102016-05-10T09:01:00.000-07:002016-05-10T09:01:03.637-07:00The Things We Learn in the ValleyLet's talk about <u>Mother's Day</u>. A day wrought with emotion for mothers who are waiting to receive their official title. <b>Especially </b>women in the church who are still waiting. From my <u>observations from the sidelines</u>, (which are many, and not the most reliable point of view of course) in many Christian circles it's basically a race to achieve life milestones the fastest and all within <i>your</i> timeline. (Married no later than 22. Kids and lots of them, 18 months a part, done by 30, then boob job and tummy tuck, <i>don't wanna be an old and unattractive mom, </i>I want to be a young grandma! And an attractive one at that!) All of those "mandates" have all been things said to me or in my presence--I'm not making this up! (I'm not really worried about being an attractive grandma?! I guess thats something some people worry about from a young age?! Am I taking crazy pills?!) Nothing is wrong with wanting a family, or even wanting a family when you're on the younger side. Everyone's journey is different (she said obligatorily, but really meaning it as well). It all starts to feel like one big "mom-petition" if you will. And sometimes children being used as notches on a belt.<br />
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ANYWAYS, I really didn't intend for this post to be a whine fest about church culture. I'm glad God didn't listen to my timeline wishes (we all have them!) I don't know why it's so seducing to see yourself as "so young, but so together". I prefer a bit of patina to my life. I needed time to grow up. It has been a long and difficult journey, but I know that I am a better person for it (thanks to His mercy and grace) and more fit to be a better parent to this particular child who is coming to us.<br />
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Throughout our marriage and struggles, I can look back and see that God was using all of it. I know...it sounds so cliche! I KNOW IT DOES. I'M HEARING IT TOO! The cliche red flags are waving violently at me! I'm so thankful He got a hold of me at the moments I was truly at my lowest...letting me know He was still good. Even if I didn't get what I wanted, I was worthwhile and He had a plan for us. It's soooooooo hard to hear this when you're going through it. You can't see the plan, you're stuck in a tiny mosaic piece with no hope of ever seeing the big picture. You're stuck in pan in mode when all you want to do desperately is to PAN OUT and see what you're life will look like! Each of those pain filled bricks I was building with was building a foundation...and it could be a firm one or shoddy one, depending on how I<b> reacted </b>to my circumstances, not depending on my circumstances. I saw a quote that spoke to my heart the other day:<br />
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(quote courtesy @Chad Veach, Author of "Unreasonable Hope")</div>
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Oh, I love this! I think I had quite a few years in the valley. And for far too long I wanted nothing to do with the valley. My eyes were all mountain top. I could see it looming in the distance and I watched as so many others reached the summit. I wanted what they had. I didn't want to put in the work, either. I wanted it to happen MAGICALLY!!!! I wanted to skip being cured from Vaginismus and go straight to being parents. I was trying to rob my marriage of what God wanted. And try I did. Thankfully He closed a lot of doors and kept kindly redirecting me (just like a preschool teacher) back to what I needed to be working towards. I didn't want to train for mountain climbing! I didn't want to endure the process, because there was no guarantee it would even get me to the top of the mountain I wanted! Being stuck and and camped out and STARING AT THE MOUNTAIN took up a big chunk of the journey; stubbornly willing the mountain to come to me. Slowly I began to move, or God dragged me, pushed me, prodded me into taking baby steps. Seriously. I want to wear my valley experience like a badge of honor. While I'm so happy to be nearing the mountain top (although I know there are so many things that could go wrong ect) I would not trade my valley experience--<b>there really are things that only the valley will teach you, if you let it. </b></div>
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technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-12723090163446391992016-05-05T12:01:00.002-07:002016-05-05T13:48:06.934-07:00Dear Whoever You Are Part II Dear Whoever You Are,<br />
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Last year I wrote a post telling you how hard it was getting to keep waiting for you. How we missed you every day even though we'd never met. How we sensed the lack of you in our every day happenings, our thoughts, our hearts, our arms. I wrote you that letter hoping to beckon you out of the place you were waiting until the time was right. We're so glad it is <b>you </b>who is coming. <b>You</b> who I wrote that letter to. <b>You</b> that we will Lord willing get to watch and help grow.<br />
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We have been so joyful and thankful every single moment since we found out that you are FINALLY ON YOUR WAY. I don't know if you will ever be able to know what pure joy that fact brings us. Real joy. You are worth every moment of waiting. Worth every moment of doubt. Worth every moment of heartache. It is all incredibly <i>worth it--</i>to know that it was <b>you</b> we were waiting for. The one made specifically for us. Every day I feel more and more connected to you. It's hard to tell what your personality will be like now, but we can't wait to spend our days figuring you out. Cheering you on. Praying for you. Loving you. We are so thankful this gets to be our "job"!!! Woo hoo!<br />
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I know you're inside right now, doing your thing, and preparing yourself for us and outside world. Keep on doing that and we'll keep on preparing for you out here. Team effort. We promise to do our very best. Can't wait to meet face to face but also enjoying every moment of this stage of your life as well!<br />
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We are so glad we get to live in joy and anticipation and that we can say we'll be seeing you <u>SOONER</u> rather than later!<br />
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Love,<br />
Momtechnicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-82953791459244799982016-04-26T11:01:00.001-07:002016-04-26T11:02:23.187-07:00My Thoughts on Super Hero Culture (In which I ramble about Foggy Nelson and Matt Murdoch) Heyo interweb. I can't believe it's nearing the END of APRIL already. EEEK! It's one of those things where I cannot wait to meet this baby but also there's so much to do and you think in a panic "what did I do with all my time?! Argh!!!!!" It kinda feels like the last few weeks of high school. You know your life will drastically change <i>soon</i>, but all you can do is watch it in fast/slow motion and kind of peer through your fingers and half watch half hide. Everything you've been working towards all of a sudden doesn't matter, and when does that switch flip? And everything you've always known will be different but the change hasn't quite happened yet even though you can see the finish line. It's limbo I tells ya! All that being said, I am trying to not let panic set in and just do what I can every day. Sounds easy enough, but as you know that can be a huge battle for me, haha. (As that's pretty much the theme of every. single. post.always.)<br />
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Also as you know I've always got several posts brewing...and before Mother's Day and all the feelings that will surely come with that day I wanted to write a post OFF TOPIC of baby ect that I've been thinking about for quite awhile;<br />
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<b>SUPER HERO CULTURE</b>.<br />
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I do quite like a good super hero tale/movie/comic. Am I obsessed with comics? No. That hasn't been my thing even though I enjoy them. I loved the Dark Knight. I loved the first Spiderman with Tobey McGuire. I really like the X-Men; especially Wolverine and Magneto (aka Hugh Jackman and Michael Fassbender). IRONMAN. Tony Stark is hilarious. I really have enjoyed Daredevil and Jessica Jones on Netflix. But superheroes today have kind of morphed into something and I'm trying my best to put my finger on what bothers me, or at the very least what bothers me about people's attitudes about them.<br />
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Being a preschool teacher I see how much movies and what is going on in pop culture influences and shapes the way kids interpret the world. I mean HELLO I was/am the same way. It's the nature of things. Art influencing culture, culture influencing art and so on. As an adult you just think "Oh, this is something fun they enjoy--no worries!" But I can still remember all my favorite movies and books from childhood vividly, and every joke the Genie from Aladdin ever said is still my go to for comedy, hah! As adults our brains are used to filtering in and out things we like, don't like, are neutral towards. As a kid you pretty much take all books and movies and conversations with adults as GOSPEL. And it gets<i> ingrained.</i> <b>Fast</b>.<br />
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But the thing that has gotten out of proportion with the super hero thing is this: we are often teaching kids that the important thing about super heroes, is their ability to physical harm others with brute strength or special powers INSTEAD of focusing on the ideas of doing whats right, helping others, and putting the needs of others in front of your own. Super heroes are down for beating the crap out of someone, but they probably won't be a shoulder to cry on when you're going through a hard time. Because they're off beating the crap out of someone. For the greater good, yes. But bear with me.<br />
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<b>Two Different Heroes: Foggy Nelson vs Matt Murdoch</b><br />
I think we're getting away from telling kids that it takes real courage and heroism to simply live a life of doing the right thing. Not in a martyrish way, or becoming a nun or a monk. Hear me out. I know usually the super hero has two identities and sometimes is a do-gooder in some way IRL. Like Matt Murdoch or Clark Kent. When it comes to Daredevil, (at least the Netflix series) I often think of Matt's lawyer sidekick friend Foggy as the hero; or as the more <i>relatable</i> hero. (Matt is also a hero of course). Back to Foggy; he is brave, he takes risks, but in a real life way that you can see happening in your own life. Like when he went to the biker gangs lair (can't remember what they're called...don't hate) to see someone he thought could help them with their case--he is constantly talking his way out of getting his butt kicked literally or figuratively (it reminds me of the Doctor)! Or when he stood up to the District Attorney and used his knowledge of the law to not be bullied. (Because let's face it...most bullying/pushing around happens in words and everyday conversations and situations, not always with ninjas or Ra's Al Ghul in a dark alley). I really like that Foggy does his very best to help those around him, but he also takes time to be with friends and <i>actually be a person. </i>Like he actually goes home to sleep for 5 hours after a long day of helping people at his law practice and being supportive of Karen (even though she's in love with Matt WHO IS ALWAYS DISAPPEARING ON THEM), to get back up and start over again. Putting in the work. Studying. Pouring over cases. Spending time with clients. He's honest with his friends about who is. He is not leading a double life. <b>So the flip side</b>; for Matt Murdoch (Daredevil), he's using something terrible that happened to him (a car accident, acid taking away his eye sight but ultimately giving the rest of his senses a helpful boost, anger and sadness over losing his dad when he was a child) and doing his best to use the tragedy and turn it into something he can use for good. That's admirable, and I think that's an important lesson for kids. The Bible says "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive" Genesis 50:20. It's good for kids to know that yes, bad things can/will happen to us but with God's help we can learn and grow from those things and turn out better and stronger in the long run. Mentally stronger, emotionally stronger, physically stronger, whatever the situation is. I do like that Matt doesn't ever want or intend to kill anyone, even "bad guys". As he is a lawyer by day, he knows the law isn't perfect by any means, but knows it isn't his job to determine who lives or dies (this character is very strongly catholic, which I think adds a very interesting perspective to his character). But what I see kids taking away from this? They see Matt as the <i>only</i> hero. Because he beats up people. (Which is pretty amazing considering he cannot see), but still. They don't take away that his lifestyle of leading a double life hurts those around him. They constantly wonder why he doesn't show up for work, return phone calls, ect. Foggy agonizes over whether or not Matt will be alive the next day. Matt's brand of heroism becomes like an addiction, he lives like an addict. He can't stop fighting. He can't stop lying. He can't stop letting down those closest to him (even if mostly for a good cause). I see Matt and Foggy as two different aspects that could be meshed together to create one well rounded super hero, but I guess where's the fun in a super hero who needs down time and has a personal life, LOL.<br />
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(That being said, I do very much appreciate that Tony Stark owns being Ironman, hahahahaha--no double life for that hero! He'll take all the credit thank you very much and I love it). <br />
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I know the super hero thing is a framework to show good vs evil, and to show we can stand up for what is right. Sometimes I think we oversimplify it though, and focus on the aspects of "being a hero" that glorify violence for violence sake as I mentioned above. Without really considering the consequences. And don't get me wrong, I do love a good action movie! Sometimes people gotta get redshirted, its how you move the plot along, am I right?!<br />
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I think what I'm ultimately trying to say is that we need to teach kids to use their own strengths to help others--that there are SO MANY WAYS to be heroic. And not necessarily just physical strengths. Standing up for a friend who is getting made fun of, that's being a hero. Offering a listening ear when someone is upset. Quietly doing the right thing, especially (especially!!!!) when no one else is looking. The list goes on and on. And for some people? Their strengths really are in physically putting their own lives on the line to help others; police officers, fire fighters, men and women in the special forces, the list goes on. And that is something to be very honored! We gotta be careful what we glorify and what we gloss over. We gotta let them know doing the right thing is often really scary and really hard. But so worth it. I think kids see heroes as going into all these situations and being totally and utterly fearless. Um, it's smart to be scared sometimes!!! It's called common sense.<br />
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Ok, I'm not sure how to end this. So I'll sign off for now. To go wait for 2 more years for another season of Daredevil, hehe.<br />
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*Also, I'd be the worst at being a super hero. I need too much sleep and consistency. Regular meals. I couldn't do the long nights, all the lying...wearing a super tight suit. I would chafe SO MUCH. And sweat! I'd be asking for yoga pants and extra wide running shoes and needing to pack things like extra deodorant, hair ties, granola bars, SO MANY WATER BOTTLES! Forgetting to charge any of my gear that needs charged. Injuring myself due to user error with any of the gear. I'm afraid of heights!!!!! I have a nervous stomach!!!! The list goes on. I'm more of a desk job hero I guess. I'll take it. The Avengers will thank me not to join them. Maybe I could handle being Deadpool's cab driver. Who am I kidding, I get very stressed out in traffic.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-6262044413166622672016-04-18T14:33:00.001-07:002016-04-18T14:45:24.873-07:00The PassengerI love when I have several topics I want to write about simultaneously; and they're fighting for predominance in my head and fingers--which will win out? Or will it just be a mind explosion? Will everything that rises also converge? Maybe if I was more disciplined I would write all of them, cohesively and separately--work on it even when I'm not "feeling it". And maybe writing them separately isn't necessary. Maybe some of the thoughts should be thrown together, and see what works. I'll work on the the discipline part though. I've always felt I needed to write, but I struggle with it. I guess it's like "do I even have what it takes to write?" and I doubt, and then doubting leads to inaction. My most worn out and tired vicious cycle! Well, knowledge is power:) I know my self doubt in any area always leads to inaction. So...here's a little bit of action and cycle breaking for you! (mostly for myself).<br />
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So we all have those songs that just stick with us through a certain period of our lives, right? And the song (or songs, album, playlist, ect) comes to concretely represent a grouping of thoughts and feelings, ideologies even. And you get intertwined with it, and attached. And then it becomes part of your story, part of your life soundtrack.<br />
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Lately for me, I've been listening to Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". I've liked this song for a long time. Something about the music and lyrics speak to me. And I really like the episode of Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown where he gets to hang out with Iggy in Miami. I really resonant with stories of finding peace, or at least becoming comfortable and confident in who you are. Many times this only comes with time, living, and learning through your own mistakes. And the early and middle years are often spent yearning/raging/striving. I mean hello, punk music! It's all about rebellion and in your face-ness! Anyways, in the episode he meets Tony at a health food joint, they eat a light meal and they have a good conversation. (And I'll be honest here, maybe I'm mistaking "inner peace" for "rock star who's brain is kind of fried from years of attending rock n roll high school", but just go with me here). I really liked the fact that when Tony asked him what was a perfect day for him looked like he said sitting on the beach on a hot day being with someone who's company he really enjoyed. That resonates with me in a profound way; maybe because it's not goal oriented but that it's relational oriented. There is importance about getting right inside and letting that set the tone for your life, or at the very least recognizing things that are of true value. I'm really not trying to sound Yoga Jones on you, promise. Seeing this episode shortly after attending the WTC and being able to feeling peace and hope in the first time in a long time I kinda grasped onto this small snippet--to identify with a 68 year old punk rock king about something so small as sitting on the beach and watching the horizon and<i> feeling</i> something. And allowing yourself to be loved.<br />
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You know how I talked about having different topics fighting about which would be blogged about today? I guess I'm gonna try an awkward segue here. In my mind these are both holding hands and make sense. Imagine a hand coming down from those paragraphs up there and grabbing this new paragraphs fingers, intertwining. Becoming one bigger thought.<br />
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Last week Ted had the whole week off. Ever since I decided to be a substitute teacher this year rather than returning to my usual post he has been really great about working, working, working, and then some. Long days, over time, ect. Of course we're blessed he works at a place where he does have plenty of vacation time so neither one of us are complaining here! We have it really good. As in, our needs are met and we have each other---and then some!!! We're fully blessed in so many ways. I guess with the winter and the not feeling the best, a bit of anxiety was chasing me. I was really missing Ted (I felt like by the time he got home I'd pretty much fall asleep like an hour later lol) and feeling like there was just stuff I needed help with around the house. Like painting the nursery! Basically I felt like I was wringing my hands but needed a kickstart to do anything. Like a nervous Duracell bunny just going in circles instead of moving forward--I needed a reset. And last week was a really great time of just being together and doing things we enjoy (like doing chores and going out to lunch and watching Anthony Bourdain and LOST and going to the museum and sleeping in).<br />
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We're so excited to finally be the three of us, and since we've waited so long I thought saying goodbye to being two wouldn't be hard at all! But I've been having some bittersweet feelings creeping in. Maybe because people keep telling me stories of becoming roommates with their spouse after kids, and barely ever seeing each other. I'm sure this does happen and you get busy doing right by your family but I guess Ted is such a big part of who I am this scares me. I guess instead of being scared I'll just pray about this transition. DUH. I wish that was always my first instinct rather than doing aforementioned bunny circles.<br />
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Bringing this line of thought up and making it a circle; "The Passenger" is also meaningful to me because one of our MOST favorite things to do as a couple is to drive and listen to music. It is just something we like to do. And I'm The Passenger. The passenger in the song sees beauty and mess and takes it all in. We've done our driving thing through good times and bad. Heartache and happiness. We just enjoy it. Me because I can take in the world and try and process it. Him because he's physically doing something but also relaxing (and he loves roads...but thats a story for another time, haha). And we're together. We can talk or not talk. We can sing along or hum. My feelings tend to process more quickly this way. And lately I've been playing "The Passenger" at least once when we get in the car to go somewhere. Even the loose harmony on the "la-la's" remind me of how two different voices can make the song/journey better, give it more depth. This song reminds me of that pastime with the two of us. And the bond we have, that loose harmony, I pray it will only get stronger and more beautiful through this next phase in our journey.<br />
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I'm gonna leave this rambling post with some of the lyrics. If you read this post I hope you give the song a listen. It probably won't have the same meaning for you as it does for me...and that's ok. That's what life is all about; we experience similar things and we make them into our own. With different meaning and significance.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Oh, the passenger</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">How, how he rides</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">Oh, the passenger</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He rides and he rides</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He looks through his window</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">What does he see?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He sees the sign and hollow sky</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He sees the stars come out tonight</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He sees the city's ripped backsides</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">He sees the winding ocean drive</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">And everything was made for you and me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">All of it was made for you and me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">'Cause it just belongs to you and me</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #ccccdd; font-family: "verdana" , "arial"; font-size: 13px; text-align: center;">So let's take a ride and see what's mine</span><br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-60669409819760198112016-04-04T08:58:00.000-07:002016-04-18T14:42:33.679-07:00Heartburn, Insomnia, and Justin BieberSUP blog! This last week or two have been a very mentally and physically trying one. Having struggled so long to get here, I feel so much guilt in making a post about ailments and discomfort. Because I know the discomfort is finite and there will be an end. In the infertility world, there may never be an end to your "discomfort" aka the weight of waiting and sorrow. The pain of watching everyone grow and change while you feel permanently stuck. Now, I know I'll be a MOM at the end of this, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel!! A little girl to get to know and love!<br />
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(But..for my sanity's sake, I gotta write about this. Maybe it will help! I know as soon as she's here I'll say WORTH IT!!! And I already think that!!!)<br />
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Basically, it started with a feeling like I couldn't quite breathe as deep as I needed too, especially at night. I'm pretty claustrophobic and have nightmares about suffocating so this wasn't fun. I kept calm though and just thought soothing thoughts, breathed as deeply as I could, and propped up when sleeping. (Which I hate doing, but basically need to do or else). After a few scary nights of this, it seemed to dissipate. Hooray! Every deep breath I took was like a magical gift. And I was so thankful! I seemed to (finally) be getting over a head cold and cough situation so I chalked it up to that and moved on.<br />
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A few nights later, I woke up in so much pain. I felt like there was a hard knot of fire under my breast bone. And the fire would leak into my stomach and intestines and cause me to writhe around. I would wake up with my back arching and spasming just trying to reach a comfortable position. There was no comforting this. There was no magical position I could find to help. Putting on a bra was like a torture device. It didn't go away after tums or awhile after eating. The best way to describe it would be a constant blaze, and sometimes worse, but never better.<br />
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Fast forward to now, two different medications later, and it's still hanging around. There will be a few hours here and there of relief where I just lay or sit there thinking "I'm so thankful to be feeling less pain right now, no matter for how long". Eating toast, crackers, bananas, and yogurt is getting old but I don't want to anger the beast anymore than I already have! I'm doing my best to learn to manage it. I know the baby is taking up more space and crowding my whole body more and more. I'm glad she's growing! Above all else if she's ok, I know I'll be ok. But right now I feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to be in constant pain until she gets here. Even if the stars align and I've managed the right food combo and meds timing and am feeling like I can sleep...insomnia has set in. And heart palpitations. And random shots of adrenaline that make you shoot up straight and grab your chest in a panic. (All of which I've been told are normal at this time, although not fun). And everything that happens I panic about when the last time I felt her move, is she getting enough food, will she only like to eat crackers and popsicles because of this?! (that would be a huge tragedy, because Thai food! Mexican food! Indian BUFFET!!!!!!)<br />
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Insomnia is the worst. I hate dreading the night. Sleeping and eating are two of my favorite things and they're both elusive right now! (lol--I mean don't you like to eat tacos and then immediately hit the couch for netflix and night napping?! Maybe I need a lifestyle change wake up call like whoa, haha). I feel like I have no more thoughts to think. I've been having six months of content happy thoughts, soothing lifestyle, excitement about the future, starry eyes and so on. And I'm still so thankful and in awe of this person God is allowing us to carry. I guess this is a lesson in how I cope with lack of sleep. I start to feel hopeless and losing interest in anything. I become a crazy person. My thoughts are so scattered and I can't control them. One second I'm thinking about LOST and then I'm thinking about a parent or student from five years ago...then there's the head music. There is a constant weird remix of Justin Bieber songs and praise and worship songs playing in my head; "It's too late to say sorry now.......in Christ alone.....BABY BABY BABY NOOOOOO........this the power of the cross.....you're awful indecisive is what I'm sayin..." And when I do fall asleep for 30 minutes or so, it's weird dreams about people I haven't seen in decades. Being weird. Making me feel weird. And halfway through the dream I always think "Aren't I in my 30's and pregnant? What is going on in this dream ?! Why am I at a weird carnival with the little brother of one of my high school friends, and he's trying to DITCH ME?!" Cue waking up with heart palpitations and being scared and feeling weird. And then cue Justin Bieber. FOREVER!!!!<br />
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Sigh.<br />
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Lord please help me to trust in you to care for us. I know you've given me this gift and will help me to the very finish! Help me to be wise in how I care for my body. Thank you for supportive friends and family who offer a listening ear and good advice. Thank you for a comfortable home and understanding husband. Most of all, thank you for the opportunity to have a daughter! Help me through this time, that I can learn, grow, and come out of the fire, refined. That I can be a good testimony through trials. And that through it all, our baby will be safe and sound.<br />
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AMEN!technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-81548037522772112382016-03-11T11:01:00.000-08:002016-03-11T11:01:11.996-08:00Lately-EMO.TION My determination to not let this time run away from me comes and goes. I think I'm at the point in pregnancy (ah, can't believe this is real <i>still</i>) where things will go pretty quickly. I still feel like I'm in the those first few weeks where it was all so delicate and still secret. Those days were precious! Now as we inch towards the finish line (to infinity and beyond!) I'm beginning to have anxious thoughts ("to put it mildly" as John McEnroe would say). <br />
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What if I can't hack this? I'm old and tired! What if I don't get her room ready in time? What if we don't have everything we need? I'm not doing enough healthy eating! I'm not doing enough exercising! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'M NOT ENOUGH! I'm not documenting this process enough, hence I must not be cherishing it enough! FAILURE! FAILURE! FAILURE!<br />
Why am I not feeling more movement? Will the doctor say "sorry, no more heartbeat!" Am I coughing her to death? Am I sleeping in the wrong position? Am I already teaching her to be lazy and love junk food?<br />
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OH MYLANTA !(which according to Fuller House, is DJ's catchphrase--does anyone remember, did she ever even once say this on Full House? Did she feel left out not having a catch phrase like Steph and Michelle? They're really trying to make it happen. All that to say I'm fully enjoying Fuller House, hah!) All the feels and then some. I've been listening to Carly Rae Jepsen's album "Emotion" a lot and I keep thinking the lyric "ALL THAT WE CAN DO WITH THIS EMOTION!' And to think a few weeks ago I thought the hormones weren't gonna bother me, I would be someone who could skate by without ever being a crazy pregnant woman. When will I learn to STOP THINKING THAT STUFF!!!!! BECAUSE NOW I FEEL LEGITIMATELY CRAZY!!!!!!!!<br />
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I'm going to write this to myself as a pep talk and reminder;<br />
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Dear Anxious Self,<br />
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Ok girl, just take a deep breath. You've waited for this a long long LONG time and are so thankful every minute (you know you are; don't be so hard on yourself!) Maybe take a few more pictures if that makes you feel better about documentation. Remember to be more disciplined about making posts here, small baby steps always make you feel MUCH better! Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the spiral of you're not good enough and then do NOTHING instead of a very small something. You know for a fact the not good enough line isn't TRUTH. When you start feeling this way, it's a sure sign you gotta dive back into your Bible and pray more than what's currently been happening. It's ok. You can do it. God will give you grace; just stop wanting to throw in the towel at every minor glitch. Also remember what you've seen throughout your entire life; a lot of little somethings always add up to a big something! Work is work, you go at your own pace and it seriously does make you feel better to do what you can. Make a green smoothie! Get some paint samples online! Drink tons of water! Go for a walk!--put some of your head knowledge into practice. You've been given an amazing gift and you thank the Lord each day. He's giving you the right child for your skills set and personality. You were created for such a time as this! It's going to be ok and then some. It's going to be great! Don't let anxiety bind you; remember you are free indeed and it's a privilege to be alive. Enjoy these days-remember to enjoy each season you're in. I think you already do that anyways:) I know you're still in awe of this happening--but it really is happening! So baby step forward and don't be a perfectionist. You're flawed but you are made perfect. Don't try to sprint, you aren't a sprinter! But you do try, haha. Baby steps. Marathon. Tortoise. That's you. Don't fight it.<br />
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Love,<br />
Your More Centered and in Her Right Mind Self<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-17662250662368867312016-02-25T12:19:00.002-08:002016-04-26T11:22:08.885-07:00Confession and a Book I ReadJust checking in, trying to discipline myself to write some thoughts. Why do I put off things I ultimately enjoy because the getting started part is hard? I guess it's just being human. JUST START. Here we go, metaphoric pen to metaphorical paper!<br />
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Ok so the confession part first, because it ties into the book reading: Lately something has been annoying me. (I know, this is so out of character for me!!! Is this really a confession or a trick to complain and have you read it?! It's both) Non fiction books aren't my first pick. They aren't my jam, as they say. Sure I love a good biography by a comedian or athlete I like. (Bossypants anyone???) Here's the thing (the confession part) : I GET ANNOYED by every christian lady on Instagram showing they only read non fiction books by christian bloggers. WHY does this annoy me? Oh, so many judgmental reasons of course! Allow me to rant for a minute or two:)<br />
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So, I guess because I love fiction so much it annoys me when people "don't read". I understand if reading isn't your passion, you don't enjoy it, and it doesn't align with your sense of "accomplishing" something. That's totally fine and I get that. Because other people enjoy running 26 miles and I don't understand THAT. A lot of people are "doers" as the yelling guy from Home Depot commercials would say and if they don't have something physical to show for their time, they feel it's been wasted. So a lot of these doers when they do read, it's always a non-fiction "self help" or christian lady blogger book (which depending on what it is, can be very similar NOT that theres anything wrong with either of the two genres--I have read both). <br />
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There is definitely wisdom in reading about someone else's perspective and life challenges. But I do hate fads. Especially in Christian ways of thinking. And it's always revolutionary at the time. And everyone's freaking out. By how so and so reinvented the wheel. I don't even like fads in non christian ways of thinking. (I'M LOOKING AT YOU KONMARI METHOD!!!!) Basically I guess you read with a grain of salt and take away some key points that DO resonate with you. Or tuck away nuggets for the future. Or totally disregard it because it's the worst (aka the book that says you don't have to diet or exercise to lose weight but be "mindful". I'M SICK OF THE WORD MINDFUL!!!)<br />
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Also, when it comes to fiction; I often feel like the writer lets on way more about their ideologies and life than they know. I like learning lessons through fiction more than non fiction many times because of that very fact. When you're writing in your own voice you're more self aware but you may miss the point because it's really hard to see yourself and your whole "thing". It's like Ferris Bueller looking at the painting with the tiny dots. I guess to tie it all in with why it annoys me about Instagram ladies is like because of blogs (my love hate relationship with blogs strikes again!) it's like what are they writing that we haven't actually read before ??? Why do blogs equal book deal? Should I just accept that is the way things are now? Why do I act like I'm in my 70's and want to go back to type writers and Ernest Hemingway and scotch and being mean to women? I don't, for the record-but yeah I'm crotchety at the very least).<br />
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Ok anywho--with all the instagram and "oh my goodness I LOVE HER"'s going around it often seems like a culture club, the ol christianity culture/popularity contest that swears it's not a culture but is totally it's own microcasm. The competition. The who can be the most gritty, the most having had been/are a sinner, the most redeemed, the most good at all the things even though proclaiming they aren't good at all the things, tee hee. Honestly I feel like they can be more damaging than good sometimes. I get grouchy and it seems pharisaical and that's just mean of me because I really haven't read all the books enough to know if that's true. So I guess that makes me the pharisee grump in this story rather than hardworking authors. All that to say-- I READ A NON FICTION BOOK. AND REALLY LIKED IT. AND LEARNED A LOT. AND THE AUTHOR WASN'T HUMBLEBRAGGY TRYING TO BE THE NEXT "IT' GIRL IN ANYWAY !!!<br />
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I'll segue now!<br />
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So a friend actually lent me the book, and I DO trust her opinion on books to the max. She said it wasn't life changing but good. And the topic directly related to something I was telling her I was struggling with so she was very kind to think of it. Something I've come to cringe about women's Bible study type things is that I feel that it's all so incredibly <i>softball</i> if you will. Seriously every women's Bible study I've went to has been about being a godly/biblical woman. WHICH IS GOOD to learn about, of course! I don't want to sound like I'm scoffing the Bible or anything. But basically we would always end up talking about modesty and how often you cook or clean the house. SIGH. EYE ROLL. UGHHH. PERFORMANCE. PERFORMANCE. PERFORMANCE!!!<br />
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The book I read is called "You're Already Amazing, Embracing Who You Are, Becoming All God Created You to Be"-by Holley Gerth.<br />
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Ok, so the title is <i>a little softball</i> BUT the subject matter was really good for anyone who has struggled with the "performance treadmill" of Christian life. Basically the point of the book is to emphasize that we are not intended to do it all and be it all to everyone. We all have strengths that make us different than another and it's ok and GOOD to not "be like her", aka the girl in your church or Instagram who is "doing it all". I took notes and I'm excited to share more of what I hope I can remember to incorporate into my life. It felt like it all rang true with struggles I've had in the past with self comparison. I'll save the more in-depth for another post, because yes this one has gotten out of hand and super long. I'm excited to use my strengths for a larger purpose! And to now go read some more fiction.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-80237945630230691562016-02-16T10:46:00.003-08:002016-02-16T10:46:48.091-08:00thoughts on finding outYesterday was a big day. An important day. A nervous day. A fun day!<br />
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Yesterday we had our anatomy scan and we got to find out the gender of little nugget!<br />
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I don't know why I was so anxious, I guess I get that way every time I have a check up of any kind.<br />
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I want to know everything is ok. That the baby is ok. That's literally all I care about. I start to feel ok after I see or hear proof (just call me Thomas, o ye of little faith!) And I start to doubt as the weeks creep by and there are still weeks to go until you get to check in again. But God is SO GOOD. As soon as the nurse pulled out the ultrasound wand (or whatever it's called) there baby was, all curled up in the fetal position--napping. And when the poking and prodding began you started to move around and the tech said "Well, it looks like you'll be using your girls name!" And just like that we knew what had been predetermined all along. WE'RE HAVING A DAUGHTER!<br />
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I really and truly would have been happy no matter what but those words were just so sweet. A girl! For whatever reason I always pictured myself a boy mom--not because I don't want a daughter just because I thought that's how it would be. But we're having a girl and we're so excited and thankful and just...relieved to know? We finally know something about our kid! I loved that she was sitting kind of indian style (like I do) and at one point rolled all the way over onto her face--looking like she was either throwing a fit or trying to escape the wand. (faceplant!) She seemed like she liked being curled up. I can relate!<br />
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Before our appointment, we went to Starbucks to sip coffee (I finally got one, I wanted the baby to up and dancing around so there would be no confusion about which gender) and hang out and talk. We ended up playing Checkers and having fun. I think we were both pretty anxious so the Checkers took our mind off of things.<br />
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I'll have tons more to write later...I'm so thankful and just trying to live in joy and enjoy this gift to the best of my ability.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-84786055047222350852016-02-04T12:28:00.001-08:002016-02-04T12:28:06.976-08:00Things I Want You to KnowThey tell me to talk out loud to you. That you'll start to recognize my voice. I gotta admit, by myself I feel weird doing that. When I'm by myself it's almost like I shut down on the outside so I get to live solely on the inside (which is pretty much my favorite). A robot with a human heart. I think this voice (my writing voice) is often times much more my true voice than anything else. So for the moment, I'll use this voice to talk to you. Maybe one day you will read this. Maybe not. I hope if not you will still know these things I want to tell you because I will have told you. Or showed you by example. Or taught you. Or all of the above.<br />
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The things I want you to know are many. I'll simply begin. I could write volumes and there would be volumes more. Because basically I've waited my whole life to "talk" to you! That's a long time for thoughts to pile up. I'll just start with a few for now:) You're welcome, wink wink.<br />
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<b>I want you to know that the pursuit of joy is far greater than the pursuit of happiness.</b><br />
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They are so close but so very different. You'll be able to find true joy when you're walking with God. The world is going to roll it's eyes and tell you we just get this one chance and that's it. That the idea of God is just a band aid to console the lesser minds and the weak. That if you open yourself up to enlightenment you won't need God, because you are one. You aren't. But you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You have a purpose, you are one of a kind, and you are important. Your view point and set of skills and talents will bring to the table something very necessary but the world will try to tell you it isn't. You aren't enough. You're less. Don't believe the lies and remember to pursue joy. Because you can have joy in the midst of sorrow. You can have joy in the midst of things not going your way. You can have joy whether or not you're the best. If there's anything the long journey it has taken us to get to you has taught it's been that pain and hardship can refine you to see with clearer eyes and a more compassionate heart which truly transforms the world around to a more beautiful place. Because your eyes are open to it. Seasons. Friendships. Laughter. Animals. Learning. Music. Books. Literally thousands of other things! Joy is found in the smallest of moments, not only the shiny big momentous ones. So if you look there will be so much of it for you to find. I can't wait to see what kind of things give you joy.<br />
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<b>I want you to know that doing your best is better than being the best. </b><br />
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At the risk of sounding like an after school special, I do want you to know about doing your best. It is a competitive world and if you get caught up in being the best (really there are so many things we humans find to compete with each other about! You'll find out about this) If you worry about being the best you will never find peace. Resting in the knowledge that you've done your absolute best is the BEST feeling, haha. You won't have to wonder "what if" or "if only". Sometimes doing your best looks like different things; sometimes doing your best is getting on your knees and praying. Sometimes doing your best is exerting yourself physically. Sometimes doing your best is knowing you can try again and learn from a mistake rather than going to pieces. Sometimes doing your best is to simply be prepared. Sometimes doing your best is having the wisdom to know which battles to fight and which to walk away from. Sometimes it's all of this! When you jump off the performance treadmill (aka others and society's expectations of you) you will find freedom. And it will give you more energy to do your best rather than putting everything into being perfect.<br />
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<b>I want you to know it's ok to have both roots and wings. </b><br />
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Oh you don't even KNOW how happy and excited we are to finally have you in our arms and home. It's like Christmas to the one millionth degree! We're going to enjoy the heck out of you! We want you to always feel loved and valued in this family. But we also want you to have the confidence to go into the world and do what you're supposed to be doing. To open yourself to your own life experiences with us cheering you on all the way. I want you to know that no matter where you go there will be this invisible but unbreakable string that ties us together. It's permanent. We are inextricably linked. But the string is as long or as short as it needs to be at any given moment. I want you to know I'll do my best to equip you rather than make your decisions for you. <i>I want you to know I will truly give it my all because I'm so blessed to be your mother. </i><br />
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<u>And for some shorter but still important tidbits;</u><br />
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-I want you to know it's ok if we don't share the same tastes in music or movies but let's be cool about giving each other's "stuff" a chance. Deal? Just say you'll like the Beatles! I mean this is more for when you're older but still. Also tennis. It would be cool if you at least tolerated it. No pressure.<br />
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-I want you to know that we might not be rich but we're going to have <b>fun. </b>You're gonna find out soon enough I like to make things fun.<br />
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-I want you to know that we really really can't wait to see what your personality is like! You're going to be just what we needed.<br />
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-I want you to know that we'll do our best to adapt our parenting to your needs. We'll try not to make you feel like a square peg.<br />
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-I want you to know that we love you an amazing amount but God loves you more. And I pray you will love Him too.<br />
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-I want you to know we won't be perfect. There will be things you will resent us for probably but then you can just over correct that when you become a parent. It's called the circle of life!<br />
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There's so much more that I want you to know. This seems good for the moment.<br />
<b><br /></b>technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-50514901233940916652016-01-13T10:29:00.002-08:002016-01-13T10:29:58.555-08:00some documenting and updates for posterity's sakeI guess this is as good a place as any to do some documenting. I'm definitely not one of those chalkboard every week "bump date" here's a pic of me sticking my gut out kind of people (I mean, you really don't want to see that! hehe). But I know I'll want to remember some things from this journey, especially since it took so long to get to this point !<br />
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I keep going through periods of elation then to periods of doubt and extreme worry. I'm so excited this is happening--so excited that I worry it will all be taken away. I know...I just need to have faith and trust the Lord that HE will provide whatever we need in the right time. The first trimester was a breeze, I wasn't sick (just a few bought of not feeling well) and I felt pretty much myself! I know that's a huge blessing because so many are so sick and miserable those first weeks. Now that I'm officially into the second trimester I keep panicking and worrying. Everything went SO well and I felt remarkably UNpregnant that now every twinge or pain sends me into a tailspin! I keep reminding myself to be thankful for every moment we get to be this kids' parents. Truly the one day at a time mindset is what works for me--Lord help me!<br />
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Some things I won't want to forget:<br />
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At six weeks and 5 days we heard your heartbeat and saw you for the first time! Your dad cried. I was so elated there was a baby in there that I just laughed. Your heart rate was 127 bpm.<br />
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At 9 weeks I heard your heartbeat again--184. So fast and strong. Once again, elated that you were in there and doing your thing. Still in disbelief! Shock! Awe!<br />
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At 12 weeks 3 days we saw you again and heard your heartbeat. It was 170. You are starting to look like a little person! Who are you even in there? We can't wait to find out.<br />
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Your cousins can't wait to meet you. They are really excited about going to the hospital. They love to hear stories of who came when they were born (or borned as Charlie would say) to the hopsital. They are sad they won't get to pick your name. Hah! You are lucky to have so many people who love you already. They will teach you some shenanigans for sure, but that's what cousins are for!<br />
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So many friends and family have prayed for you to arrive on this earth. It has been so encouraging to see others excitement for us, for YOU to be here! I hope one day you will know this and let it bring joy to your heart--how wanted and loved you were from the beginning not only by us but God. He loves you even more than we do! It's true and we'll do our best to teach you that every day.<br />
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Can't believe you're in there! We don't know yet if you are a boy or a girl--and really either way will be great! </div>
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Some verses I've been meditating on:<br />
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"Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything" Phillipians 4:6<br />
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"Do not fear, for I am with you: do not anxiously look about you for I am your God. I will strengthen you surely I will help you surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand". Isaiah 41:10<br />
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"But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior" Jeremiah 20:11<br />
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"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you" Isaiah 26:3<br />
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"You have filled my heart with greater joy" Psalm 4:7<br />
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and I think the number one right now is:<br />
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"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen". Hebrews 11:1<br />
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I can't see you right now, and it's all I can do to trust you're ok. I need to have more FAITH that the God who miraculously created you can keep you safe even though I can't see you and won't have reassurance 24/7. Faith that when the time is right this summer I will meet you! Hang in there little buddy and keep doing your thing. We'll try to keep it chill in the meantime.<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-58501457844581221252016-01-06T10:19:00.002-08:002016-01-06T10:19:20.233-08:00signs, wonders, & miracles (and the longest blog post ever written) *ok, it's time I need to write about this! for myself, I know I'll love to look back and remember things that I'm sure time will do it's best to blot out of my memory. sometimes it's easier to get caught up in fiction (blogs, books, tv) and forget you're living a real story too and it needs documenting!<br />
I guess I've been postponing writing about this because I'm still in shock and having a hard time accepting reality...maybe having trust issues/faith issues and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that's not a good place to stay. This is all happening and I want to tell this story!*<br />
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After a year plus of being cured at WTC we were having zero luck getting pregnant. It was so maddening...there were so many announcements from friends and accquaintances that it felt like one blow after another. Even though I was happy for everyone...I just felt trapped in a box of unchange. I was in a 28 cycle ground hog day for 8 years and counting. I would constantly think of the definition of insanity: <u>repeating the same action time and time again and expecting a different result</u>. My body is like a clock when it comes to cycles, blood work said I was ovulating on time, tests said hormones and male factor were all good. This should all be encouraging, right? Of course instead of being happy things seemed to be ok, I was wracked with guilt and doubt and fear. I probably wasn't doing enough to be fertile. So many women lose weight, eat a very strict diet, work out x amount of times per week, drink pineapple juice and other fertility cocktails ect. Maybe if I could just do everything right it would happen. I know it sounds like a dumb excuse but weight loss, teaching, and trying to get pregnant...I'm not that great of a multitasker. Lame, I know. So I would beat myself up because I hadn't lost weight like I wanted to, or got pregnant, or made any progress whatsoever. (Looking back I know I was climbing mountains everyday with God's help, in my personal life and professional, it's just so hard to see when you're in the thick of it). I think this is obviously a struggle for me to avoid this mindset. Being faithful in your given tasks is a good thing, you do what you can and have faith that God see's you and has a plan. I often feel if I haven't John Henry'd my way through the mountain by sheer FORCE I've done NOTHING. (I would be the world's best drill sergeant if I used the tactics in bootcamp that I use on myself mentally, lol). I couldn't wait to get to my doctor and find out what her plans were for us going forward.<br />
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Excited but also scared. You know, the whole drill sergeant thing. I was so nervous she would tell me I needed to lose weight first (seriously I hear about women who are thin but their doctors still want them to lose weight to pursue fertility treatments and it had me so fearful and self loathing---like if that lady had to lose weight first then I HAVE NO HOPE, haha).<br />
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Anyways, after the exam and we talked about how things were going and I was telling her my bullet point list of all the things I hadn't done like I wanted (lose weight, work out x amount of times per week, perfectionist list ect) she said "You have changed so much from when we first met. You should feel nothing but really proud of all you've accomplished". Talk about words sent from heaven. These two sentences have meant the world to me...when all I see is disappointment in myself...when will I learn to stop doing that?<br />
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So we made a plan. Blood work, saline test, and so on. I couldn't believe I was finally to the point where this wasn't all going to be on me. We would have help. If it didn't work I wouldn't have to blame everything I did wrong, I would just accept it didn't work BECAUSE IT DIDN'T WORK--IT WAS OUT OF MY HANDS NOW!!! Which is an awesome feeling--Jesus take the wheel and so forth. (Should have known it was basically out of my hands the entire time but hey). After doing the saline test (after some anxiety inducing scheduling snafu's) it was September. Through a long and let's just say uncomfortable scenario of catheters and CLAMPS (I shudder thinking about the clamps, haha) we were able to see my tubes were not only clear but there was a follicle waiting and ready to be released. To see inside your own body--especially an area that you've questioned about your whole life (is everything ok in there? would I know if something's wrong?? and a million other questions) If I didn't get pregnant this cycle we would begin treatments. BONUS: doing the saline test usually boosts fertility for a few months due to kind of opening everything up a bit more. I really hoped I wouldn't need treatments, that we would make it happen after that scary and psycho but super affirming and so glad I did it test. But alas, my 28 day clock work friend came calling. And we started our new plan: IUI. To follow through with the insemination my doctor needed at least one follicle of at least 18 mm, no smaller by day 16 of my cycle.<br />
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I remember a few days into the cycle I had Ted and I drag our lawn chairs out to the driveway to star gaze. Where we live I feel so close to the stars...we live up high on a hill and away from the city so they really do look so pretty. I was feeling like our routine needed to break from tv and phones after dinner. We needed to connect and be thankful for where we were headed: I wasn't certain any of the treatments would work out. But in 6 months time we would know either way. 3 Rounds of IUI and 3 of IVF. If nothing worked we would have to move on and think of other options. Either way our journey would be over and we could move on. After all this time.<br />
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Fast forward a week or so to the follicle scan. I was very nervous (of course! when am I not nervous). It could go so many ways, having taken Clomid (albeit a very low dose since I ovulate on my own) there could be lots of follicles (John and Kate Plus 8 much) or there could be none, or there could be some and none of them meeting the requirements to proceed. I really didn't know what to expect. As I was laying on the table and the nurse was preparing with the wand I started to panic and I said "WHAT IF THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE!!!" (This same nurse had been with me during the saline test and she is kind but tells the truth which I really appreciate). She said "sometimes that happens unfortunately...we try our best to make this happen but there's only so much we can do!" I totally get that. I kind of closed my eyes and gritted my teeth and waited for the verdict---right side, looked around apparently nothing there, swoops to the left side and she screamed "AH-HA!!!!!! THERE IT IS!!!!" I opened my eyes and saw a follicle on the screen. I think she was relieved as I was! One follicle, and guess what...it was 18mm! The smallest it could be for us to still carry on. She called the doctor--I was to come in the NEXT MORNING for the IUI! I had to go to the pharmacy and get a shot and then give it to myself (I felt so Pulp Fiction).<br />
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Through long waits at the pharmacy and confusion over my prescription, to the insurance saying they wouldn't cover the procedure because our claim hadn't been filed 2 weeks in advance, (we said screw it we're doing this we'll pay), to giving myself the shot, and a fit full nights sleep...I woke up super early the morning of the IUI. I was pacing the bathroom, when I looked out the window and saw the BIGGEST and BRIGHTEST star I've ever seen. I immediately thought it was symbolic of our child saying "It's ok...I'm coming, don't worry anymore. I'm on my way". I seriously thought it was a plane or UFO it was so big and actually twinkling. I'd never really seen a star twinkle before, maybe this sounds crazy. It probably is.<br />
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A small step back before finishing the story: for so long during this journey I would ask God for signs that He was listening, there, and had a plan. I would give myself random time tables, like "things will work out before xyz". I finally realized that He didn't need to show us signs because He <u>was </u>working. We could take to His word to read his promises and live life fully without searching or demanding. I was starting to pray that I could find reason to live outside of this and stop. looking. for. signs. And just, live! And know that this would be a cherry on top, an extra blessing, and life was still good and would go on. But that I had to complete this journey so there would be no what if's or regrets.<br />
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Miraculously, we got all we needed to do to complete the IUI, the insurance said they would indeed pay (yay!), the procedure was quick and painless. It was over! Now I could block it all out for two weeks, and know if it didn't work everything that could have been done WAS done and there is a certain peace in knowing that.<br />
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Somehow we made it through the wait. I was so nervous to take a test. Rejection is hard even if you've tried to mentally prepare yourself. I prayed God would help me if it was bad news that I wouldn't fall apart and just get ready to try again. Practice round if you will. Finally, I forced myself to take a test the morning before I officially had to, to let the doctor's office know. My nieces birthday was in 2 days and I wanted time to sulk if it was negative so I could be happy at our family gathering. At like, 4:30 in the morning on October 29th 2015 I saw two pink lines. TWO. TWO LINES PEOPLE. I will never take that sight fore granted! I swear, this is a true miracle. How anyone ever conceives at ALL is truly a miracle in my opinion. So many things have to happen for this to succeed.<br />
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So here I sit. 13 weeks and 5 days. So thankful and excited. So nervous and anxious. Trying to not wait for the other shoe to drop. To trust the Lord with His miracle and pray I am worthy. Ready to start documenting this journey and ready to do my best and READY to not beat myself up about being imperfect. Ready to soak up every minute because our wait was so long, but it taught us how important this is and for that I'm so thankful.<br />
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Looking forward to writing more. Emotionally exhausted from trying to put the impossible into words.technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-68277612452910242282015-12-17T10:47:00.001-08:002015-12-17T11:34:13.025-08:00Decembering and SuchRight now imagine me being in a white room and looking far away. Then imagine me walking towards you and getting closer closer and eventually knocking on the screen of your computer as if to say "hello? anyone there? I haven't been to this space in awhile!"<br />
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I like to think of these posts as conversations between me and different versions of myself. Like if I were to read this a year or two or twelve from now I would be like OH YEAH I forgot about that mindset/idea/joke what have you.<br />
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Anyways, on to December-ing:<br />
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I love listening to Christmas Carols. Like, it's not Christmas for me without meditating on words from old carols. It's the same year round with hymns. I love the language and how they can just truly help you worship and reflect. I was always the kid looking into the meaning of songs and wanting to know the words. WORDS are so important ! Even if you are down or blue or not feeling Christmas just really listening to the words can bring you such hope and joy.<br />
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Here are some of my favorite lines I've been thinking about this year:<br />
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"In all our trials <u>born to be our friend</u>"-O Holy Night. Isn't that cool? He literally came here to help us and to carry our burdens and give us the gift of communion together.<br />
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"Joy, Joy! Jesus Christ was born for this! He has <u>opened heaven's door </u>and man is blessed forever more....Peace! Peace! <u>Now ye need not fear the grave,</u> Jesus Christ was born to save!"-Good Christian Men Rejoice. I mean seriously...He came so we could have life! So we didn't have to live by the law anymore, but by grace!<br />
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There are so many more, but for now those are some lines that have really beens sticking with me this season.<br />
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We went to a Christmas Tree Farm this year, even though we have not one, but TWO fake trees (!!!) we just wanted to roam around and feel warm and fuzzy ect. It was fun! There was hot chocolate, there was FUNNEL cake, there was randimals (aka random animals). There was a teen Mary and Joseph who had a miniature horse posing as donkey who was ACTING OUT majorly. (he didn't like posing). He was brought back to the barn, haha. There were grumpy dads yelling at their kids and wives saying things like "awwww, but it wouldn't be CHRISTMAS if we didn't __________", and teens on their phones, haha. It was rife for people watching.<br />
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Here's a few pictures:<br />
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This goat really liked Ted! </div>
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This one is just plain cute. </div>
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The rambunctious Lil Sebastian </div>
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-55681962668501737432015-11-17T14:09:00.000-08:002015-11-17T14:09:35.905-08:00Peak n' Peek and Niagara Falls At the end of August we got to take a little trip! In years past we would have never been able to take a trip IN AUGUST due to my teaching schedule. Usually starting August 1st things begin hot and heavy and I don't breathe again until Thanksgiving. Not this year, hallelujah! A few years we tried doing Labor Day trips and the whole time I would be fielding emails, voicemails, and stress stress stress. It was so fun to be able to get away and not have to worry about what was waiting for me when I got back, haha!<br />
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First, we visited a golf/ski resort where Ted used to go with his family as a kid, called Peak n' Peek. I have never met someone who is as sentimental about every single thing from their childhood as he is. I know it's not a bad thing, but sometimes I cannot take another story about the bowling alley or where he took Drivers Ed. (Love you!!!) It's not that I don't ever get sentimental but mostly for me the memories are sufficient, lol. I've found that things are usually better in your memory, when you go back things don't have the same golden hue they did when you were first experiencing it. When you go back they are just places and they aren't as big as you remember. It's just a place instead of the world as you knew it. And then the ennui sets in. But I digress....This childhood sentimentality worked out in my advantage because we had a lot of fun and I got to go to the spa and spend lots of time in the hot tub, sauna, and pool. Win-win. (He golfed). AND the cool thing about the hot tub was that it was indoor/outdoor. You could literally go through the wall and be inside in the hottub. It was pretty cool weather while we were there and at one point it was drizzling and making the hot tub fog and mist in an amazing way. It was so relaxing! Cool rain, warm hot tub. There were some very bored teen girl life guards there who kept turning the music way down because everyone kept thinking the dial to turn the bubbles on was actually the music volume dial. LOL. They seemed like the most bored individuals on the planet until an attractive male teenage life guard arrived on the scene and then they both lit up like CHRISTMAS TREES. Christmas trees I tell ya! I'm sure its the beginnings of a new CW show called Guarding Life or some other nonsense.<br />
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After our quick stay at Peak n' Peek we drove to Niagara. (P n P is also in New York). The drive there was really pretty, we drove through Amish Country and Seneca Nation Reservation. Something AMAZING happened on the way. We turned down a side road in Amish Country that said there was an antique store. While looking for the Antique Store we happened upon a PEACOCK FARM. There were all these peacocks roaming the place and they were selling feathers too! I couldn't even believe my eyes. Now I need to figure out what to do with the feathers we bought. So far I've just been hiding them from he cats so they won't eat them. (I'm pretty obsessed with peacocks since we have a town peacock, whom we love). Incase you were wondering the antique store was closed, but had we not turned down that random country road we never would have seen a barrage of peacocks! (Maybe I should have a peacock farm).<br />
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We got to Niagara Falls later in the evening...Ted warned me that the town wasn't that big and wasn't that fancy. You know when you hear about things your whole life, you definitely get an image of what it looks like in your head? The town of Niagara Falls wasn't what I thought it would be (I was picturing a native american inspired Gatlinburg type thing). It was more like, Springfield, Ohio. But Niagara Falls State Park was beautiful. Maybe this is common knowledge and I'm an idiot but I did NOT know there are three different falls and NONE OF THEM are called Niagara?! This blew my mind, hehe. The falls are called Horseshoe Falls, American Falls, and Bridal Veil Falls. We took the Maid of the Mist tour and it was awesome. I'll stop rambling now and a ton of pictures that mostly look the same!<br />
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Lush!!! </div>
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Love a good Tudor Style! </div>
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Yay for ivy! </div>
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Peacock farm!!!!! </div>
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The earlier in the day you go, the more chances you have of seeing lots of rainbows:) </div>
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I kept leaning over the edge of the boat trying to absorb as much mist as possible. I really love mist guys! Hehe. </div>
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king of the world! </div>
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-44856372660171211172015-11-13T10:00:00.000-08:002015-11-13T10:00:42.419-08:00The Ways of a Hermit and the Ways of TimeWhen time flies at the speed of light, I remind myself "YOU'VE GOT TO WRITE IT DOWN TO SLOW IT DOWN" (my new motto). It processes my memories and thoughts like nothing else can. Basically August through October were one big blur. I think because the weather was so warm and sunny it seemed like a continuation of summer. And since I'm subbing this year rather than running my own classroom (aka universe) the days are running together. Consider this me slamming on the brakes.<br />
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Do you guys remember that episode of the King of Queens where Carrie quits her job to get well mentally and physically? To get lots of projects and self care done? She has all these grandiose plans of doing doing doing but then she totally shuts down and basically watches tv and lounges all day and can't bring herself to accomplish one errand? Do you see where this is going??? Haha. The struggle really IS real!<br />
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The last few days I've done better at making myself do stuff. I think my problem is I am waiting for that kick of adrenaline and that joie de vivre to automatically be there, and if it's not I'm like "OH WELL, GUESS I'LL DO THE BARE MINIMUM TODAY". BUT, I'm reminding myself: adrenaline usually comes to me when I'm very busy. The joie de vivre comes when you feel like you've really earned that 15 minutes of coffee sipping while thinking about your week and what you've accomplished. TOO MUCH DOWN TIME results in a very sluggish me. My lifestyle has slowed basically to a grinding halt and I'm really trying to figure out how to be very useful with my talents in this moment in time where this is my reality. (Could the first and third paragraph contradict themselves more?! Going so fast. Going so slow. Ay yi yi).<br />
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I keep reminding myself to fake it till I make it. Not every #girlboss (and I say that with all the irony and sarcasm I can muster) on the internet wakes up feeling like fighting dragons everyday. You just DO IT. I mean, I do the normal stuff like cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, church, family stuff. (seriously, why are there 12 loads of dishes everyday for 1-2 people!!!!) It's like the GOAL STUFF I need to motivate myself on. House projects. Working out. WRITING FOR HEAVENS SAKES. I've been avoiding the basement for two weeks because I knew the computer was waiting for me, wanting me to share my thoughts and feelings and ideas with it. Needing me too. And I've gone incommunicado.<br />
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I'm becoming TOO COMFORTABLE in my hermit ways and I've gotta fight the Carrie Heffernan tendencies. I really don't want to have to like, write a schedule for myself everyday. UGH. But seriously I might have to start doing that to avoid wasting so much time doing RANDOM STUFF. <br />
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All of this talk of productivity has really got me hankering for a nap...<br />
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stay tuned of more updates on what we've been up to lately. (Spoiler alert: we really did see a unicorn!)<br />
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<br />technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4268376484436615845.post-90268560909266593852015-10-09T10:16:00.000-07:002015-10-09T10:18:20.562-07:00Meet Me in Montauk*Edit* 10/9/15 Another post from our "funtivities" while at the Women's Therapy Center. A day trip to the Hampton's and Montauk was perfect to get out of the hotel room<br />
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August 2014:<br />
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I keep calling this summer, "summer of George". It has been the best summer of my LIFE so far. Isn't that crazy?! I am in love with it and enjoying every moment. I keep pronouncing that I am on "island time" and haven't been beating myself up about this or that. God has really opened the door for us to have a truly enjoyable summer and I'm so thankful! I'll try to break down different fun days into blog posts so I won't ever forget all the amazing, tiny, beautiful, things.<br />
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Hamptons/Montauk Recap<br />
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Have you ever had a day so perfect you can't believe it happened? I know, that sounds annoying and upbeat but IT'S TRUE I have had many of those days this summer! (This is where I would insert a genuine #blessed but I'll try not to be THAT upbeat, haha). While we were away on our trip we took a day trip through the Hampton's and ended up in Montauk. It was a beautiful day weather wise, sunny, mid 80's, low humidity. By the time we got to Montauk there was a breeze and it was really nice to be able to wear jacket on the beach. (I love the sun but HATE sweating). The breeze wafted around this floral smell from these pink and white flowers growing every where, there were neat little paths leading you to the beach and things were picturesque to the max. It really opened up my eyes to the beauty of the North Eastern coast. While I love the south and have enjoyed every beach minute at any beach (Southern California, the Carolina's, the Bahamas, Florida) I gotta say, Montauk MAY have been my favorite?! I think it was the vibe: outdoors and beautiful but not neon and cheap. Maybe it was because it reminded me of Moonrise Kingdom as well. Who knows, but it impressed me and I can't wait to go back. Maybe because I ate the best crab cakes known to man and want to eat those forever. *Ok, I looked it up and the flowers were wild beach roses. Man, I'm gonna need a candle of that. Seriously, best fragrance ever.<br />
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We drove through the Hampton's on the way to Montauk and every house looked like Ina Garten's house and there were ANTIQUE SALES AND YARD SALES EVERYWHERE!!!!! We stopped at a church rummage sale and snagged some stuff for FREE as they were shutting it down and didn't want haul anything back inside. I got a black and white old school photo of the Empire State Building photographed from the top of the Rock, some woven placemats for my table, and some random other things I can't remember. The church was also beautiful and parking was easy (which is always a bonus) in Montauk and East Hampton.<br />
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Here are a few million pictures; I will be dreaming of wild beach roses and salt water tonight!<br />
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(the church with the rummage sale)</div>
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technicolorcjayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17617666825148179077noreply@blogger.com3