Life Off the Hook

Herrro! This is me checking in from the depths of my Christmas hibernation nest. The end of the semester at school was a bear--but it's all good because TWO WEEKS OFF. And it's warm out. Wrangling kids has it's pay off. I guess. Hah!


I don't know about you all, but I'm enjoying this holiday season by basically relieving myself of expectations. I've come to the realization that I have the tendency to freak if I feel like I'm not living up to the expectations of myself and others! Wow. I'm still kind of in shock over that realization. How did I not know this about myself, I mean really know it?!  So this season, I've allowed to let go of certain things that just stress me out and left room to do things that are important to take care of myself (i.e. sleep, taking care of the house, spending time with Ted, reading, thinking about goals). I didn't send out Christmas cards. Don't worry though, we're not mad or sad or anything. I JUST DIDN'T DO IT!!!! Next year. But this time around...just...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My sound bite for the this week is basically the noise you make when drinking a fresh coke. We didn't attend every party. We didn't get every person on the planet a gift. I've just been letting myself off the proverbial hook. And I think right now it's what I need. I don't plan on always living off the hook, but it's working for me right now. Living off the chain is another story ;) Cue lame joke music-wahhh wahhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I don't think I realized until we got our issues resolved this past summer how much pressure I put on myself to be perfect. 

I never considered myself a perfectionist, but in my own way I was. I felt like there was this huge important part of my life that I clearly was failing in. I was a huge disappointment. Ted never made me feel that way, but I made me feel that way.  So my flawed thinking was if I can't meet expectations in that area I must be above and beyond in all other areas or I'm worthless. It's so sad to think about it now, but that was my broken thought pattern. And obviously I'm not perfect in ANY area much less all the areas I thought I should be--which caused lots and lots of negative feelings towards myself, God, those around me, and it just so infected everything I touched! Going to the center made me realize I COULD NOT resolve my problem on my own--so there was too many years of beating myself up and being my own harshest critic when I truly just needed help from those who know how to fix that issue. Those ladies are my angels--I'm so so so forever grateful for their help and their continued help to free other people from their chains.

Which brings me to my next point:

Living Free.

Since the summer, for me living free has meant saying no to things to better take care of myself.

It has meant LETTING MYSELF OFF THE HOOK. It has meant knowing what my flaws are and trying to work on them but also letting myself breathe--I don't have to be perfect anymore!


And I want to continue to live free in 2015.  I can't wait to see what that looks like, and to continue to talk about it here on the blog.


What things have been shackling you this year? Are you excited to live free? To live victoriously?

"If the Son has set you free, you shall be free indeed". 

John 8:36 

I hope you all have a truly wonderful Christmas and New Year. I can't wait to see what the year brings, for new growth and new seasons, and just jump on the helicopter and leave this chapter behind! Allons-y!

Horses

In October we went on a photography field trip to the Lexington Horse Park. By that I mean we went and I took pictures and made Ted pet all the horses even though I think he was pretty terrified. It was so fun,  watching horses, photographing annoyed horseback riders, prancing around in the fall weather.

Here are more pictures of horses than you ever wanted to see in your lifetime:

These horses just nuzzled noses which was adorable! 

This cat really did want to come home with us. She was not catching any mice and is ready for retirement. 

Could the leaves have been prettier?

I think the girl on the Arabian horse looks like Michelle Dockery aka Lady Mary. 

This girl was probably like STOP TAKING PICTURES OF ME, GOSH!  And I was all MAKE BETTER FACES FOR MY PICTURES! 

Ted getting in a work out.

Cantering. 

Jumping! (This was built for children). 

Well, hello there. 

Ted facing his horse fears. 

Bro-ing out. 

Friends for life! 

A Simple Song

I've been in love with this song by The Shins for quite awhile and lately it's been in my head. The lyrics are very where I am right now in my post-vaginismus victory lap:

Well, this is just a simple song,
To say what you done.
I told you 'bout all those fears,
And away they did run.
You sure must be strong,
And you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun.

I know that things can really get rough,
When you go it alone.
Don't go thinking you gotta be tough,
And bleed like a stone.
Could be there's nothing else in our lives so critical,
As this little home.

How very Myspace of me to quote song lyrics on my blog, hah! I didn't put all of them as it's a love song about a girl and it would distract from my over all point.  But the song is amazing and I've been annoying Ted with it on repeat. You're welcome for the 6:00 am blastings from the bathroom! 

It's ok right now to live small and quiet, and not get too angsty about the big picture. To ponder and handle the tasks at hand and prepare for big things while enjoying this time.  I feel like ever since we came home from the Center I've been on a big old mental vacation and I'm not planning on stopping that vibe anytime soon. You read the last post where I was feeling grouchy and uninspired. I know that happens in life so it makes me even more grateful for the times when I feel motivated and content. I'm working hard to help repair my mind. I know that Vaginismus was mainly a larger umbrella for all these other doubts and fears to hide under and now is a time for eradication of all  those thought processes. It was one part of the body but it represented so many other things. So yes, I know that healing all one thing doesn't immediately "cure" your mind and body of everything BUT it's a whole new season of free.  I know we are kind of jumping right from getting cured to now the next stage--FAMILY--something we hope to have soon but who knows. That's a whole new journey in and of itself and who knows if it will be easy, rocky, terrible, or point us somewhere new. I guess time will tell. 

(Speaking of the Center, I will be posting more about our time this summer for anyone out there who might be struggling with Vaginismus and needs some encouragement that help is out there) ! 

Here is a small snapshot of life lately in pictures--

 "Could be there's nothing else in our lives so critical, as this little home"

Ted had a heroic feat: he built Karl the couch for me one night AFTER working hours of overtime. It was a long night (for him) but I love love love love love this couch and the way our family room is coming together. I call downstairs "The House that Hazel Built" as we wouldn't have been able to finish the basement without my late grandparents, Hazel and Youles. My grandma loved being home and having her loved ones in her home and I think she would be proud it this. I have a framed picture of them which needs to be produced asap. The space still has a long way to go but is finally feeling like a real space instead of the basement where the computer and treadmill and litter boxes are.

We christened the space by having friends over and the girls watched Dirty Dancing and ate tons of food. And there was plenty of space for all. I thank you Ted a million and twelve times because I'm pretty terrible at building stuff even if it's IKEA. But I did manage to hoist the whole dang chaise in the van all by myself. Another superhuman feat! 

 My bird buddy and our town mascot. 

He chased me to the car because he was wondering where I was hiding the food. Hah! 

Now that the time has changed and I'm not driving to work in pitch darkness this is what I saw over my street and neighborhood the other day.  I just pulled over and stared and smiled and laughed because there were people just jumping in their cars and not even noticing (or not caring) and I was all "DOUBLE RAINBOW, OMG!' 

A Ted in the wild: this fall could not have been more gorgeous. I have been loving every minute and frolicking  as much as possible. I'm still not over last winter. Don't say polar vortex to me or else you will receive a punch, which I will deliver personally or by Fed-Ex. 

We celebrated our 7TH WEDDING anniversary. I can't believe that it's been that long. What?! 

 Trip to the Lexington Horse Park was a fun day--I want to do a separate post on it as I took one million horse photos. Also there are some of Ted doing dressage and jumping and it's the funniest thing ever. 

My mid-century thrift store chair-$12! Also Maggie Pants likes it. 

Horse teaser. 

I hope you are all living well and simply this fall--can't wait to post more!!!! (she said, knowing full well it would probably be another month but hoping that isn't the case). 

Uninspired and Grouchy About It

It's a rainy October late afternoon. I'm feeling grouchy and uninspired and I DON'T TAKE KINDLY to feeling uninspired. Along the vein of Walter Mitty and Anne Shirley one of my main interests is day dreaming. I'm really good at it and it takes up a lot of my free time and it helps me focus my energies on my next project, dreams, and schemes. I love to get lost in something and have things to look forward to, things to be excited about.  Things that make the world I am growing more and more accustomed to feel new.

 I feel like some people find themselves in new beginnings all the time and without even wanting them.  I always have to claw my way into them. Or fight, or scrap, to bring about change. I guess that's just how it works. You want change, it avoids you like the plague. You hate change and it beats down your door and drags you away into the wild unknown.

Lately I've been feeling blah. Nothing is speaking to me and it's like writer's block for life in general. I hate it! I need to get involved in a project. I need to get my creative juices going and create something until it is fun again. I feel like the Home Depot commercial guy needs to come lecture me about "doing" ect. (Seriously though Home Depot Guy some of us are TIRED on the weekends and don't feel like grouting tile or other things we don't know how to do).

I think my brain is simply done with this era of my life. It's ready for something and I don't know what it is yet. I think the comfort zone is suffocating me. I think it's the seven year itch (not from my marriage) but from life in general.


With that being said I realize life is simply sometimes a grind.

Hard work.

Little pay off.

No mountaintop moments.

Going through the motions.

Monotonous.

Drudgery.

Mundane.

Dull.


My prayer will be that I can be bold, be open, and brave enough to start something new. To launch out of my comfort zone before it drags me down into 20 years from now.

My prayer will be that my heart can be renewed as I keep running the race, and that my feet can be directed to the right path for this time of my life.

My prayer will be to find contentment in times of discontent and ambiguity.

My prayer will be that I can be moved to action when the time is right.


_________________________________________________________________________________

Perhaps a detox is in order. A detox from pinterest, instagram, interwebbing.  A fast from overloading my brain with input that makes it feel nothing.  BLURGH. I feel like an angsty teen and not in a sexy vampire way!

Hopefully there will be more sass and wit next week and not so much Debbie Downer. 

It's weird but I miss me when I'm not feeling sassy and happy. Are  you there Carrie? It's me, Margaret, your blasé counterpart . Which apparently you call Margaret. Which is weird, but not in any way related to your buddy Margaret, just a riff on the book title. 

Oh Debbie. I love you so much.

Over and out.

Goodbye, September and One Billion Photos

If I don't write about it, I'll forget it. Sad, but true. By write I mean upload a million photos from my phone! If Dickens had an iPhone, would he have had so much time to sit around inking out words? We will never know.  He probably would have just done twitter. #artfuldodger  #ataleoftwoblogs #itwasthebestofblogs #itwastheworstofblogs

This month was crazy. Like as in every moment was filled and crazy amounts of stress, new people, new situations, and a new school year. I feel like my body and mind are trying to slide back into old patterns that were so present during Vaginismus's hey day. How do you train your brain to know it's no longer shackled? How do you keep living after the miracle--when you're ready to keep momentum and are tired of every aspect of your life that reminds you of the dark times?

You take a deep breath. You remind yourself to choose to walk in the light instead of darkness.  You remind yourself all you can do everyday is to be thankful for the gifts you have, to do your best, and to pray, pray, pray.  And leave it all out on the proverbial field and enjoy your nice quiet house with television and cats and whatnot.  And you get your butt in gear and keep moving forward now that your biggest roadblock/challenge is behind you! Self, can you believe it??!!! Onwards and upwards!

To not dwell in the negative and challenges September brought, I'm going to post some happy times that were had instead, because there were so many!


Ok, so apparently I didn't think to organize the photos. Monica Gellar would be so MAD at me and dying to get in here and organize chronologically. But you will get none of that treatment! Here is a quick rundown: Janna and Shawn got married at the beginning of the month so we road tripped out and stopped at Fallingwater (again!) on our way. It was awesome and the Husby got us the tour where I could take pictures INSIDE. It killed me last time to have to keep the camera away. I'll have more interior shots for another day, but today is iPhone only. (Sorry). Then we had the wedding weekend filled with bachelorette party, a police helicopter scare, rehearsal dinner, and wedding.  The bride got me AIRBRUSHED MAKE-UP STYLINGS which has ruined me for the cheap drugstore crap I slap on. Seriously. I kept wanting to pet my face and I never feel that way. Ahhh. Just thinking about it makes me want to go exfoliate my skin until it's I have no pores. ("Zero are the pores on my face" I read the preschoolers a book about zero and it's prose-y way of speaking has burrowed into my brain). Also my hair was curled by a professional and I felt very Duggar-y in a good way!

The following weekend we had a family reunion/picnic and a beautiful place.

The weekend after that we got to see the Johnson's NEW HOUSE and NEW PUPPY!

The same weekend we celebrated Joey's graduation!

The following weekend we celebrated my bro's bday and had a fire in the fire pit.

Also some nature and one random basement shot.

So try to piece the photos together yourself...I'm too tired now.

I wonder what Miss Havishams twitter account would have been called?