OH written word I'm a Fair-weather Friend; Also--Continuation/Stuck Fear

Well, I think yesterdays post helped a small amount. I'm reluctant to get excited almost because I don't want to set myself up for being super BUGGLED should the feeling a little better be short lived. Not trying to be negative, but trying to be realistic. Two steps forward, one step back, progress is progress but it's not always in a straight line.

Anyways, I've gotten lazy with writing. Lazy with processing my feelings. Written word I am a fair-weather friend! I know it's good to write (good for ME to write) as a way to make demarcations in my life. Process seasons and times, important and small details that make up my life. I know, I sound like such a millennial or something worrying about processing my feelings so much. But it's always been a thing that's been important to my life is to PROCESS. I've always been slow to process too. The seasons and happenings either go too quickly or are too cyclical and come back around too fast that I'm not anywhere caught up or like even excited about the prospect. Like, I love fall and Christmas and spring and summer, but everyone gets SO JAZZED about them like we've never had seasons before or we didn't just have that one not that long ago. Like how in July everyone was making posts about being excited for boots and PSL and I feel like we just had that and why are people acting like it's been 50 years since the last autumn. And then it gets into my head. This is an example of me overthinking things. BUT, maybe God made me that way? An overthinking, deep thinking, sometimes to my advantage sometimes to my DISADVANTAGE in my head kind of person. I guess I need to learn to yield that strength/weakness in the proper channels.

 I need to face another fear that has been swirling in my head like a clinging monster. I don't know if anyone will understand this one or not, but I'll do my best to explain. I do keep imagining myself with a sword swiping at these issues, cutting them up into more manageable and digestible things to confront, sometimes I really should listen to my imagination. It's literally telling me my mind is at battle. Time to listen! Time to fight! So my "continuation fear" as I've called it is like this: I get to thinking that I'll be stuck in this mindset. And everything will go on and continue to change around me but I'll never be able to catch up or be in the moment with all of it. I'll always be thinking "how am I gonna pass the time today? or tomorrow? Or the next day? Will I be ok? Will my thoughts be at ease or will I be worrying about if I'm feeling ok about how the time is or just passing time to pass time to get through? Will I ever start just enjoying the process of life again?!" Like everything will just be me over and over and over doing the same things, never feeling any differently, no demarcations to days/weeks/years/seasons of life. Like all of a sudden I keep thinking, how have I passed the time in my life up until this point without worrying about it?! How have I watched tv, read books, chilled out, did things for fun, without it seeming empty and meaningless?! I know, reading this it's like "um,what? this is your fear? you have plenty of other things to worry about and plenty of things to live for and THIS you're worried about?" I know! I'd like to kick these thoughts to the curb. I know I have value in the eyes of the Lord and I'm getting to do the job I've always wanted: RAISING MY CHILDREN! I have Ted and my life with him is full of meaning. I have interests and hobbies and know one day I'll serve people in other ways too, either through working or volunteering or through writing or whatever. I KNOW THAT. But knowing and feeling is so different. I'm so frustrated these type of thoughts are haunting me, but I know God can and will renew my mind and spirit. He has never failed to bring me through any trial, so I know it's a matter of me working on my FAITH (not saying oh this is because I'm doing something wrong). But I always get so quick to doubt when things go awry. I want to learn to jump into complete trust with the Lord from the get go. But trust is also choosing to trust even when your doubts and fears are threatening to swallow you up so I must remind myself of that too.

Whoa, I guess I thought after conquering vaginismus and infertility (all God things) I would kind of coast through life (not coast, but I guess I was expecting to coast!) and now I'm realizing ok that's ridiculous. I guess coast isn't exactly accurate. More like bask in all He has done in my life and enjoy the heck out of this next stage in life. All of which I am doing/was doing ect. But hey, I should take it as a compliment He's still working on me, growing me, changing me, and challenging me. He's not finished yet, maybe this could all be the beginning. I need to know, that whatever I go through I can always use it to encourage others. To let them know they're not alone, and things can get better. I have been able to encourage other women who struggle with vaginismus and that has been awesome. I will try and get back into doing that more! I can also encourage other women struggling with infertility. That is always on my heart as well. Oh the wait for children was hard and I wouldn't want to go back to those days, but now I can appreciate them for molding me and shaping me and really allowing me to cherish the chance to be a mom (when I'm feeling like myself lol). It almost broke me but God got ahold of me and used it for my good. So I need to remind myself boldly of all of that, especially when doubts and fears creep in. Or blindside. Or attack.

Two days in a row. I need to keep this up. MENTAL LYMPHATIC SYSTEM, YOU GET TO DRAINING!!!!!

on trying to describe and survive a breakdown

I have such a burning desire to write about this but simultaneously absolute DREAD to try to put this ordeal/experience into words! I know I need help processing whatever it is that is happening to me, so I need to be brave and at least try. 

I feel like I need a dozen good sob fests but can't muster any tears. I feel like I need to be angry and rage but can't muster that up either. The only feelings I'm having are dread, hopelessness, fear, emptiness, and anxiety! Ugh, it's awful! Coming from someone who LOVES to have joy and peace in her life, I'm really at a loss. This is NOT my forte and I feel like a stranger in my own body.  While I know I'm feeling slightly better than I was last week and the week before, this is such a heavy burden to carry everyday (and night, because I haven't been sleeping well AT ALL so the days are REALLLLLLLLYYYY long). What makes it worse, is I don't know exactly what the root is (besides depression? anxiety? hormones? all of the above?) so I vacillate between being afraid of sleeping or trying to sleep and being afraid of this terrible awful no good very frustrating feeling lingering around FOREVER and robbing me the joy in  my life. 

I remember the afternoon it started; I was really tired. Sawyer took a three hour nap (which is unheard of! She's currently in her bed doing donkey kicks and not at all napping) and I pretty much just laid there in bed with a feeling like something was coming on. Like a cold or something, just that totally exhausted feeling you have before the onset of an illness. I shook it off and chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and having a toddler and life and the fact that it was a Friday. We had Olive Garden takeout that night and I remember having a lot of it and feeling uncomfortably full all night, stomach kind of upset. I know that's kind of normal for me during pregnancy, to feel really full and gross after eating a small to normal amount. I kind of wallowed in that all night while we watched tv and hoped I could "burp it out", with the help of some ginger ale I did somewhat. We went to bed, tired and ready for a good nights sleep. (Which for me means, getting up once or twice to pee ect taking awhile to get back to sleep). I remember just rolling over in bed and my heart started racing and I couldn't breathe. Like it was pounding out of my chest. I jumped out of bed to go sit downstairs and try to calm down or figure out what was happening. This went on with nervous pacing, wondering if I was dying, doing my best to take a deep breath, and freaking out. I kept telling myself "if this doesn't stop by 2 am I'm going to the ER!!!" I willed myself to drink some tea and sit still for at least 10 minutes. I even set the timer. This was torture. (Sitting still has been on and off complete torture for the last several weeks!) By 1:57 I was able to tell my heart was slowing down a little, but felt like it was beating strangely. I couldn't quite catch my breath but I could enough to go back upstairs and try to lay down. I think I was so exhausted from being scared I did go to sleep. The next day I thought it was all over. I woke up and told Ted about it and he was sad I didn't wake him up when it was happening. My philosophy is to try not to wake up the other parent so at least one of us can be energetic the next day. I should have woke him up though! 

We took Sawyer to the library for a holiday party and I felt out of breath still, but I know that is common during pregnancy so I tried not to worry. I felt ok! I probably just had a weird night, ate too much, this could be heartburn or something. I wanted to be present with Sawyer and make a fun memory. But the moment we got home, the feelings of dread and terror rushed back. All of a sudden I was scared of my own house that had always been a haven and refuge for me. I can't quite describe it but I felt panicked just being there, haunted. I know this sounds dramatic, pregnancy hormones, whatever but as a rational and down to earth person I couldn't fight or shake these feelings of impending doom. I couldn't sit still, I had to pace, range, or throw myself into a project to even continue existing. I kept chanting to myself "nervous energy, freaking out!" trying to put words to what was happening, trying to take the power away from the feeling by identifying it and thinking about it rationally.  Over the course of the next several weeks, I would have on and off heart racing and breathing spells. I was afraid to go to bed at night, and feeling like a nervous wreck around my house. I would cry when Ted went to work. I didn't feel safe in my own body and I was spiraling so low I was frightened of it. Terrified. Exhausted. Thoughts going haywire and not letting me relax even in my own head. Zero concentration. Lots of calls the nurses line, doctors office, and my mom. Not knowing what to do or if I could even keep going on. Typing this out I wish I was crying, it would feel so GOOD to cry. All I can think of is I'm only feeling slightly better than all that! I was so annoyed when the nurse told me it was anxiety. I felt like NO something is desperately wrong with me! They sent me to a cardiologist. I went to see another OB about medication to help me through this. Of course I got my hopes up thinking well this could just simply be a physical issue and needs fixed. It would give me a little hope. The cardiologist tested my thyroid, it all came back within range. All of my heart tests were good. (which is GOOD, I don't want to have heart problems of course). I wore the chest holter for 24 hours and of course no "events" happened while having it on! I went to a sleep clinic due to severe insomnia that is leaving me feeling even more like I'm losing my mind. 

Basically, after tons of appointments and running around and having hope only to go back to being numb/anxious I have an elevated heart rate due to pregnancy (which is normal) and sometimes experiencing tachycardia (which is also normal). So right now it seems my main thing I'm dealing with is DEPRESSION and ANXIETY. Which is killing me. I'm not enjoying my pregnancy. I'm not looking forward to any of this. I'm forever worried I will NEVER feel better and be a horrible parent to Sawyer and her sister. The days seem long, hard, and heavy in ways I can't describe. My joy is gone and I miss it terribly. I don't know which is the culprit, the insomnia or the depression or if they are going hand in hand like twin devils. If I sleep decently one night I'm still terrified of the next night. And the day that follows it. And the day that follows after that. OH I hate writing this but I feel like my mental lymphatic system is backed up in the nastiest of ways and I know I need to get this down and out and at least semi processed. I miss having regular pregnancy hormones from last time around. Feeling mad, feeling sad, feeling happy, feeling annoyed, feeling hungry, feeling sleepy. Like, ok I can handle those feeling fluctuating, telling yourself ride out the hormones, don't take your feelings TOO seriously ect. 

This is a whole different beast. 

My soul is raw inside. Raw and incapable of having the emotions I think it should. Like I wish I could get mad. Or cry. But I just keep going in this like "enduring" way with everything and it keeps beating me down. I know I'm doing everything I can to get better and there are moments of feeling more or less like myself. But they are only moments. I keep having this image of me crawling through a burning tunnel, with Ted and Sawyer at the end. I know I need to keep going through whatever this is to get back to them. I love them both and the new baby so much. I know one day (and hopefully soon!) I will feel like myself again. Not that it was perfect but I was content and joyful. I could get mad, sad, ragey, and get over it. Process it. Talk about it, move on. I was so excited for baby number two, so taken aback by how God brought her into existence! Marveling that we didn't need any fertility treatments and basically when we decided it was time to try we were pregnant. Maybe I haven't quite processed it all and everything has caught up to me. Maybe being a stay at home mom to a spirited toddler is harder than I'd like to admit and maybe I've stopped feeling so I won't feel the negative feelings because they make me feel scared and guilty. Maybe I was struggling before this and everything has come to a head. I don't know. My doctor told me everyone has a threshold and sometimes you hit it without realizing it was coming. He also said your mental state is totally different for a second pregnancy and it's ok. I know being at home all day with a little one has maybe broken my brain a little bit. I know I need to get out more and make more friends, but mostly I have been content at home. I don't want to blame this on anything but it doesn't mean I don't need to improve or pivot in some areas in life. Oi. I just wanted to "coast" to the end of this pregnancy and pour into Sawyer and cherish these final days as a family of three. I knew the winter coming would be hard but I was like "hey I'm a preschool teacher we'll find things to do". Now I feel overdosed on all PBS kids shows to the point I get a headache hearing them on the tv and their theme songs haunt me at night (I know this sounds funny but I'M SERIOUS). Some days I want to burn all of Sawyers books because I can't stand to read them one more time but the feelings feel far away, muted, and like I can't quite connect to them. Sometimes I feel comforted by our routine and lately I feel trapped and scared and smothered by it and wondering how did I get myself into this mess. 

I miss having an appetite, I miss feeling drowsy and sleepy, I miss not worrying about sleep, I miss not worrying about the future in strange and obscure ways. I miss being comforted by my house and Daniel Tiger and the sound of the dishwasher humming and knowing I'm there with my girl and we'll be ok. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin and being excited about things. I miss that I missed Christmas pretty much by being in a heightened scared fugue state, putting one foot in front of the other. I miss looking forward to relaxation time with Ted after Sawyer goes to bed. I miss being the first one to fall asleep and feeling so safe and loved. I miss taking pride in what I do with Sawyer each day and when I accomplish a task like cleaning or cooking. I miss being comforted by prayer and reading my Bible. I miss enjoying looking at pictures of her and marveling at how far we've come and how much I love her. I miss enjoying my thoughts and finding refuge in my mind palace. I miss being excited about music and movies and books and friendships. I miss being excited about a new baby. I miss wanting to plan her room. I miss finding joy in preparing for her arrival. I miss having a feeling or thought and it not haunting me in strange ways. I miss being able to see another pregnant person and feel excited for her instead of anxiety and dread, or jealousy that she's handing it all so well with several other kids in tow. I miss scrolling through Instagram and enjoying memes or seeing what other moms with toddlers and babies are up to that day.  Now it makes me feel crazy and jumpy and worried I'll never have the ease of thought or in my days that these women do. (I know rationally everyone has struggles) this is just where my mind goes. I miss feeling ok to be lazy and lethargic. I miss feeling driven to do something because I'll enjoy the process and the completed project. I miss the feeling of thriving. I even miss getting annoyed or frustrated with Ted and Sawyer. Because those were real emotions and I would get over them. They seemed to fit whatever would be happening. Now I feel like a passive, nervous, willing to do whatever dullard so they will maintain homeostasis and I won't have to deal with it or feel guilty for upsetting things. Or because "it's the least I can do".  Or because I'm on autopilot and cannot deal with my real although way submerged feelings. Like my brain is broken and I've shut it all down, the only things allowed in are fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. 

Oh my. I wish writing this all down helped more but I think it helped a little and that is progress and that is something. I guess I'm resentful at having to go through this. I know that's silly, because it just IS and it IS happening and I'm going to need to fight and face it I can't just wish it away. But I wish I could! I'm tired of fighting my thoughts, of being too in my head, and not being present. I hate being hyperaware, I hate feeling like I have to be super vigilant or "it will get me". I hate having to talk myself into doing anything but also not feeling relaxed doing nothing. I hate that my home feels scary and not comforting. I'm tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling guilty, and tired of questioning if I was meant to be a parent. I'm tired of questioning whether or not I can actually do this. Oh I'm so tired. I'm tired of the realization that I have 12 more weeks of pregnancy to go and wanting it to be over and fearing that won't bring any relief just pile on another baby and this THING will never lift and I'll always be weighed down by it and be ROBBED of being present for the experience of meeting my child. 

Uggghhhh. Ok, I know these thoughts are like dark and scary. This is why I need to write them down. I am under care of a physician and am crying out to the Lord for help. Some days are much better than others. Some nights are much worse than others. I guess I truly need to learn one day at a time mentality. I will keep doing what I can to help things. I'll pray for direction, for strength, for comfort, and for protection over my thoughts and heart. I'll try not to be afraid to look myself in the eye in the mirror. To tell myself I'm enough even though this is happening. That I didn't cause it to happen by not being perfect. That it doesn't mean I'm not thankful for my life and husband and kids. That it doesn't mean I don't love them enough. That it doesn't mean I'm broken forever. That this is hard but temporary and there is joy up ahead. 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged". Deuteronomy 31:8