Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What It Feels Like to be Free

Call me Andy Dufresne. Consider me Shawshanked.

I don't even know how to write this post or truly explain in a way that would be understandable for most people of what life has been the last six years. Or longer, if I'm being totally honest.

You could start here.

 Or here.

It's not that life has been bad. Not at all. I love my life and all the people in it. I love my home and I have a job where I've been able to grow and find a spot just for me. I have lots of interested and ideas and am generally very excited about life.  I have family and friends who I love, not to mention two furr babies that take up a huge chunk of my heart. And a niece and two nephews who made my heart grow even bigger. Life was and IS good, but it was lacking.

But that terrible monkey on my back was slowly killing me, no matter how hard I tried to fight. And boy did  try. I hate it, but it took the spark out of me for far too long. It was so frustrating to have your body reject you on such a basic level. To try to make things "normal" only to hit a brick wall time and time again. To doubt your sanity on a daily basis. To be dead inside. To watch as other people grew up and flourished while you sit idly by, drowning in your own self doubt and self loathing. The never ending cycle of trying to "fix it" and the terrible pain of not being able to fix it on your own, but not knowing who to turn to because how could you describe what was wrong in the first place with out derision, mocking, or disbelief?  To hide your true self from friends and family and create such a space and distance between yourself and everyone else.

I honestly never thought I would be on the other side. The other side of my worst fear. I can't even explain how this dominated my life! I can't begin to explain the pain and isolation! I can't begin to explain the sadness and anger! I can't begin to explain how little of my true self was left. How hopeless I felt.

But oh there is hope. There is good news! I want to scream it at the top of my lungs every. single. morning.

I am free. I AM FINALLY FREE! 

 I wouldn't trade my experience. How could you ever know true freedom without having been imprisoned? It's such a reminder of God's love and freedom through Christ. I was dead in my sins and trespasses, no way could I make it to heaven on my own. But a miracle happened and I'm saved and free. And now I am saved and free from this demon too.  What a reminder. What a freaking daily reminder that I cannot get over!

I know life isn't going to be all roses and sunshine all the time. But man, am I counting my blessings and amazed at what God can do. Amazed at the doctors he brought into my life who deal with this particular demon every single day. Who have cured so many women who have struggled alone for  years and decades and even more years. Who have given hope and LIFE to so many women who thought they were beyond hope. PRAISE GOD FOR THEM! Praise God he chose to let me be cured and live to tell about it. To help others who struggle and think the are alone. To be support for those going through treatment that they too will see the other side and be stronger and better for it. To be an anchor for those going through deep waters. To have a marriage that has blossomed and survived harsh terrain. To have friendships that have done the same.

This is what it feels like to walk in the sunlight.

THIS is what it feels like to be free.