SUP blog! This last week or two have been a very mentally and physically trying one. Having struggled so long to get here, I feel so much guilt in making a post about ailments and discomfort. Because I know the discomfort is finite and there will be an end. In the infertility world, there may never be an end to your "discomfort" aka the weight of waiting and sorrow. The pain of watching everyone grow and change while you feel permanently stuck. Now, I know I'll be a MOM at the end of this, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel!! A little girl to get to know and love!
(But..for my sanity's sake, I gotta write about this. Maybe it will help! I know as soon as she's here I'll say WORTH IT!!! And I already think that!!!)
Basically, it started with a feeling like I couldn't quite breathe as deep as I needed too, especially at night. I'm pretty claustrophobic and have nightmares about suffocating so this wasn't fun. I kept calm though and just thought soothing thoughts, breathed as deeply as I could, and propped up when sleeping. (Which I hate doing, but basically need to do or else). After a few scary nights of this, it seemed to dissipate. Hooray! Every deep breath I took was like a magical gift. And I was so thankful! I seemed to (finally) be getting over a head cold and cough situation so I chalked it up to that and moved on.
A few nights later, I woke up in so much pain. I felt like there was a hard knot of fire under my breast bone. And the fire would leak into my stomach and intestines and cause me to writhe around. I would wake up with my back arching and spasming just trying to reach a comfortable position. There was no comforting this. There was no magical position I could find to help. Putting on a bra was like a torture device. It didn't go away after tums or awhile after eating. The best way to describe it would be a constant blaze, and sometimes worse, but never better.
Fast forward to now, two different medications later, and it's still hanging around. There will be a few hours here and there of relief where I just lay or sit there thinking "I'm so thankful to be feeling less pain right now, no matter for how long". Eating toast, crackers, bananas, and yogurt is getting old but I don't want to anger the beast anymore than I already have! I'm doing my best to learn to manage it. I know the baby is taking up more space and crowding my whole body more and more. I'm glad she's growing! Above all else if she's ok, I know I'll be ok. But right now I feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to be in constant pain until she gets here. Even if the stars align and I've managed the right food combo and meds timing and am feeling like I can sleep...insomnia has set in. And heart palpitations. And random shots of adrenaline that make you shoot up straight and grab your chest in a panic. (All of which I've been told are normal at this time, although not fun). And everything that happens I panic about when the last time I felt her move, is she getting enough food, will she only like to eat crackers and popsicles because of this?! (that would be a huge tragedy, because Thai food! Mexican food! Indian BUFFET!!!!!!)
Insomnia is the worst. I hate dreading the night. Sleeping and eating are two of my favorite things and they're both elusive right now! (lol--I mean don't you like to eat tacos and then immediately hit the couch for netflix and night napping?! Maybe I need a lifestyle change wake up call like whoa, haha). I feel like I have no more thoughts to think. I've been having six months of content happy thoughts, soothing lifestyle, excitement about the future, starry eyes and so on. And I'm still so thankful and in awe of this person God is allowing us to carry. I guess this is a lesson in how I cope with lack of sleep. I start to feel hopeless and losing interest in anything. I become a crazy person. My thoughts are so scattered and I can't control them. One second I'm thinking about LOST and then I'm thinking about a parent or student from five years ago...then there's the head music. There is a constant weird remix of Justin Bieber songs and praise and worship songs playing in my head; "It's too late to say sorry now.......in Christ alone.....BABY BABY BABY NOOOOOO........this the power of the cross.....you're awful indecisive is what I'm sayin..." And when I do fall asleep for 30 minutes or so, it's weird dreams about people I haven't seen in decades. Being weird. Making me feel weird. And halfway through the dream I always think "Aren't I in my 30's and pregnant? What is going on in this dream ?! Why am I at a weird carnival with the little brother of one of my high school friends, and he's trying to DITCH ME?!" Cue waking up with heart palpitations and being scared and feeling weird. And then cue Justin Bieber. FOREVER!!!!
Lord please help me to trust in you to care for us. I know you've given me this gift and will help me to the very finish! Help me to be wise in how I care for my body. Thank you for supportive friends and family who offer a listening ear and good advice. Thank you for a comfortable home and understanding husband. Most of all, thank you for the opportunity to have a daughter! Help me through this time, that I can learn, grow, and come out of the fire, refined. That I can be a good testimony through trials. And that through it all, our baby will be safe and sound.