Well, I think yesterdays post helped a small amount. I'm reluctant to get excited almost because I don't want to set myself up for being super BUGGLED should the feeling a little better be short lived. Not trying to be negative, but trying to be realistic. Two steps forward, one step back, progress is progress but it's not always in a straight line.
Anyways, I've gotten lazy with writing. Lazy with processing my feelings. Written word I am a fair-weather friend! I know it's good to write (good for ME to write) as a way to make demarcations in my life. Process seasons and times, important and small details that make up my life. I know, I sound like such a millennial or something worrying about processing my feelings so much. But it's always been a thing that's been important to my life is to PROCESS. I've always been slow to process too. The seasons and happenings either go too quickly or are too cyclical and come back around too fast that I'm not anywhere caught up or like even excited about the prospect. Like, I love fall and Christmas and spring and summer, but everyone gets SO JAZZED about them like we've never had seasons before or we didn't just have that one not that long ago. Like how in July everyone was making posts about being excited for boots and PSL and I feel like we just had that and why are people acting like it's been 50 years since the last autumn. And then it gets into my head. This is an example of me overthinking things. BUT, maybe God made me that way? An overthinking, deep thinking, sometimes to my advantage sometimes to my DISADVANTAGE in my head kind of person. I guess I need to learn to yield that strength/weakness in the proper channels.
I need to face another fear that has been swirling in my head like a clinging monster. I don't know if anyone will understand this one or not, but I'll do my best to explain. I do keep imagining myself with a sword swiping at these issues, cutting them up into more manageable and digestible things to confront, sometimes I really should listen to my imagination. It's literally telling me my mind is at battle. Time to listen! Time to fight! So my "continuation fear" as I've called it is like this: I get to thinking that I'll be stuck in this mindset. And everything will go on and continue to change around me but I'll never be able to catch up or be in the moment with all of it. I'll always be thinking "how am I gonna pass the time today? or tomorrow? Or the next day? Will I be ok? Will my thoughts be at ease or will I be worrying about if I'm feeling ok about how the time is or just passing time to pass time to get through? Will I ever start just enjoying the process of life again?!" Like everything will just be me over and over and over doing the same things, never feeling any differently, no demarcations to days/weeks/years/seasons of life. Like all of a sudden I keep thinking, how have I passed the time in my life up until this point without worrying about it?! How have I watched tv, read books, chilled out, did things for fun, without it seeming empty and meaningless?! I know, reading this it's like "um,what? this is your fear? you have plenty of other things to worry about and plenty of things to live for and THIS you're worried about?" I know! I'd like to kick these thoughts to the curb. I know I have value in the eyes of the Lord and I'm getting to do the job I've always wanted: RAISING MY CHILDREN! I have Ted and my life with him is full of meaning. I have interests and hobbies and know one day I'll serve people in other ways too, either through working or volunteering or through writing or whatever. I KNOW THAT. But knowing and feeling is so different. I'm so frustrated these type of thoughts are haunting me, but I know God can and will renew my mind and spirit. He has never failed to bring me through any trial, so I know it's a matter of me working on my FAITH (not saying oh this is because I'm doing something wrong). But I always get so quick to doubt when things go awry. I want to learn to jump into complete trust with the Lord from the get go. But trust is also choosing to trust even when your doubts and fears are threatening to swallow you up so I must remind myself of that too.
Whoa, I guess I thought after conquering vaginismus and infertility (all God things) I would kind of coast through life (not coast, but I guess I was expecting to coast!) and now I'm realizing ok that's ridiculous. I guess coast isn't exactly accurate. More like bask in all He has done in my life and enjoy the heck out of this next stage in life. All of which I am doing/was doing ect. But hey, I should take it as a compliment He's still working on me, growing me, changing me, and challenging me. He's not finished yet, maybe this could all be the beginning. I need to know, that whatever I go through I can always use it to encourage others. To let them know they're not alone, and things can get better. I have been able to encourage other women who struggle with vaginismus and that has been awesome. I will try and get back into doing that more! I can also encourage other women struggling with infertility. That is always on my heart as well. Oh the wait for children was hard and I wouldn't want to go back to those days, but now I can appreciate them for molding me and shaping me and really allowing me to cherish the chance to be a mom (when I'm feeling like myself lol). It almost broke me but God got ahold of me and used it for my good. So I need to remind myself boldly of all of that, especially when doubts and fears creep in. Or blindside. Or attack.
Two days in a row. I need to keep this up. MENTAL LYMPHATIC SYSTEM, YOU GET TO DRAINING!!!!!
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