to recreate us

I know I've been avoiding the blog lately.  I have written a million mind posts, I promise. I guess it's time to get some out on "paper" today.

It's been almost a year since going to the Women's Therapy Center last June! I am still feeling thankful and victorious for that. I know God's hand was working and bringing me to the place I needed to be at the right time. I am planning this summer to blog more in-depth (I know, it takes me FOREVER to process things) about our experiences. The goal being, to have some real life person accounts for other women who are struggling with that demon to give them hope and some encouragement. To know they aren't alone, and if I can do it so can they. And it can be fun and memorable at the same time!

I've made some decisions in my life over the past few months that have been hard. I'll share them now with you, it helps me to process everything to get it in harsh black and white.

I have been teaching for the past 7 years (smatter in some extra nannying and tutoring on the side as well). When I first got married and moved here, I had no idea what I wanted to do professionally. There, I said it. I guess if you know me in person that's not really news. Sometimes I feel sensitive about that aspect of my life. I guess I want to appear to be confident and good at decision making instead of just going where the wind takes me. To be very driven and "making my mark" and ect and so on. (My degree is in English and I don't regret that for a minute, just to throw that in there). A kind lady at church knew I was job hunting and gave me an add in the newspaper about a preschool hiring. So I interviewed. That was 2008. And the rest is history! I've learned so many lessons there. In many ways I grew up there. I got more education and I got experience on my resume and more importantly experience on my life resume. (I really should write a life resume, I think that would help me see challenges more as "experiences" to use for the future, MENTAL NOTE). I know that this has been the place I was supposed to be for this time. I have been blessed to find my voice professionally as well as my confidence. I have had such a good boss who has helped me reach this point as well as many supportive teacher friends! Not to mention all the families whom I have gotten to know and truly love! Of course, things weren't always that easy (easy being a lose term of course). The beginning was hard. I'm lucky I was naive and didn't know much of negative things until they were close to being over.

God brought to me so many things (scholarships to pay for more schooling, my boss, my co-workers, even the right students) not to mention the job in and of itself. I had no idea where to start looking! He brought interesting learning opportunities such as observing in three different amazing schools (The Kelly O'Leary Center for Autism, The New School ((Montessori)), and a local public elementary school). I know my time there has been invaluable. The last several years  I had been wondering when to make the move to something different. I guess the feeling is/was  I've always thought of my life as containing many different chapters...what if comfort and familiarity kept me in a chapter for too long and it was stale?  One day a co-worker asked me if I would stay at our school till I retired (?!). The particular co-worker had been there about 15 years already. I told her honestly that I didn't see myself as teacher forever but could picture myself doing lots of different things although I enjoyed my current status. She seemed shocked. I was a little shocked too, not at my answer but at the expectation that so many people have that once you're doing something you are LOCKED in unless you have a really good reason not to be anymore. (moving, childbirth, illness, ect).

One of my main fears with vaginismus was to be forever "stuck" and never able to move on to the next chapter of life. I would have nightmares where I was sitting somewhere and waving and hollering out to my friends or family and they would walk past without hearing me. In the dreams I would become so sad and distressed. Everyone was laughing and happy and just going about their business but I was frozen. No matter what I couldn't move.  Going to the center last year taught me that we CAN learn new things and become new. We aren't set in stone and sometimes we can't wait for the winds of change to come blowing down our door. So I made the decision not to return to teaching this year. It was hard...mostly I hoped I would just easily get pregnant and that decision could be made for me.  Well, that hasn't happened (yet!) so I made some decisions on my own. If I can't learn something new NOW I might never. If I don't take charge of things NOW I might never.  Just because something is good and comfortable doesn't mean I can't chase other goals. I'm fearful that I won't find something else, I won't get pregnant, and I'll go crawling back. (Thankfully, I was blessed to leave or "hiatus" on great terms with the door open for me to come back!!!) I want to put other goals on the front burner: writing, having a family, getting out of my comfort zone and maybe hopefully utilizing some other talents/passions. Who knows. I fear I'll become Miss Havisham and be locked away in my rotting house dressing my cats as children. I fear I'll fall into a dark hole of not being disciplined enough to accomplish anything besides laundry and dishes and tv and wearing yoga pants. Maybe I'll end up working at the gas station down the road. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME.

But I do know it felt good to listen God and to follow even though I'm scared and overwhelmed. And to do it without a "really good reason", even though I know my reasons are good enough because they're mine.

A few lines from my favorite Sufjan Stevens song, Chicago:

"You came to take us
all things go, all things go
to recreate us
all things grow, all things grow
we had our mindset
all things know, all things know,
you had to find it,
all things go, all things go"