Thursday, June 25, 2015

My Journey Part 2

By nothing short of a miracle, we decided in November of 2013 to get ourselves to The Women's Therapy Center. New York or BUST!

But let's back up:

I excitedly told my husband about this place on a rainy November  afternoon. I had heard about it a few years before but for whatever reason I just didn't think I needed it. I thought the dilators would work. I thought if I could just get through my annual exams that things would progress and I would just "get over it". I thought if we just. kept. trying. we could push our way through and that would be that! I had all the knowledge in my head of what needed to happen. I thought I had a high pain tolerance and it shouldn't be an issue anymore! I was always yelling/pep talking myself and then not being able to fix it myself. I was the definition of insanity and denial! Anyways,  I had spent most of the afternoon (it was a Sunday) watching success story videos in bed on the WTC website while Ted was watching sports downstairs. I ventured onto the site because I was even more down and mopey than usual after a weird situation had happened over the course of September/October. Basically, someone we knew, knew someone who was pregnant was going to need to give up her baby for adoption. The person had already had several children who had been taken at birth and put in the foster care system. This mother (through counsel) thought maybe she wanted this child to go to an a family through adoption instead of through foster care. The contact thought of us. I told myself not to get my hopes up. Unfortunately and against my will they did. Of course, as these things tend to do, everything went sideways and FAST. We did not get that child. Lots of drama. Not even on our part but I guess other couples were already in the mix and duking it out over this baby who would be battling through withdrawal the minute she was born. The mother went totally off the grid, she probably felt so much pressure (and I can't say I blame her!)  When the dust settled the baby did end up with a different married couple.  I was feeling even more down and confused than ever about our situation. I just felt so betrayed. We hadn't been seeking this out! We hadn't been trying to force our hand at becoming parents before this Vaginismus thing was settled! I had been praying that God would make us parents when He thought the time was right. I thought God was smiling on us, answering my prayers in a way I hadn't seen coming, and sending us some encouragement at a time when we felt very very bleak. I was mad because I wasn't even looking to get my hopes up on the parenting front. I was getting ready to turn 30 in a few weeks. I was DOWN. So,  as per usual, I took to the inter webs for moral support and ideas on how to get cured. Looking for stories of people who had conquered this demon and HOW EXACTLY HOW THEY DID IT.  I was getting zero traction with the dilators. I was feeling so low about my ability to ever get over this hurdle. I couldn't even bring myself to go back to my OB/GYN without a good report on the dilators. I was keeping myself AND my husband from moving forward in life. It was all. my. fault. !!!!!!!!!!!

I stumbled onto the The Women's Therapy Center website and this time it clicked. So many happy smiling faces with MY EXACT STORY. But theirs had a happy ending. And now, FINALLY, maybe mine could too.

  It was so strange, to feel that tiny twinge of hope growing in my chest. It was weird and new because for years it had been calloused over and over by scar tissue. Self defense I guess.  Especially after that random adoption maybe baby debacle. I was so scared to feel hope and scared we would NEVER be a be able to afford it. Talking it over, Ted seemed skeptical. I think he thought it was an ashram or something. I totally understood that but then I had him watch the videos and read what others had written about getting cured.  He said "let's do it! I'll do whatever you want to. This seems legit!" And that was the beginning of the END of vaginismus.  I know that while I was upset with how things went down with the hope of adopting, it ultimately led us down this path.

More to come.

1 comment:

  1. I love that you're writing about this huge struggle. I'm praying that YOU are the beacon of hope for other women who are in the midst of their own desperate internet searches to find answers. Keep on!