Lately I've been struggling with something strange. Still the usual fear and doubt but newly I'm struggling with the mindset of hope. Is that weird?!? I've been methodically and pretty successfully trying to remove hope from my whole being for a long time.
It's because I've been worrying that even with upcoming intervention we won't be able to have a family (although nothing medically besides the fact it hasn't happened points to that).
It's weird to have hope. I don't think I should let it in, due to all the prior disappointments in this area. Even before the vaginismus cure I would still in some ways get my hopes up. "Maybe we had a break though this time. Maybe God will make this happen--it's happened to other people. We are seriously trying our best to fix this!!!". As the years dragged on the idea of hope was deleted from my mainframe.
When going to the therapy center hope was restored in the sense that now I could do all these things I couldn't before. It was such an amazing blessing and still is! It's helping us get answers we wouldn't have been able to have otherwise, we would have always been wondering "what is going on in there? was there ever any hope to begin with?" Now we know--everything seems to be fine in there! What a gift to have...a gift we would have never gotten before.
Whenever hope has tried to knock on my hearts door this is what it's met with:
A host of totally welcoming and uplifting thoughts such as: "how long do we do this before deciding to adopt?" "what if I'm never done trying...will this be my life until I'm 40?" "by the time we are parents, we're going to be too old to have more than one kid", "I've lost so many friends over this issue, what is wrong with me", "what if I do get pregnant but lose the baby as punishment for all my resentment towards pregnant women over the years?"...OH MY GOSH. Cher come rescue me.
When it comes to having hope my thought is this---
How long can I keep being a phoenix??
How many times can a person crash and flame out only to renew again and start all over? Seriously, how many? But on the other hand I know I've only just begun. There could be so much happiness and joy around the bend but there could also be more pain and heartache than what I've even known so far. UGH.
I think I should just let myself feel hope. Life is seriously no fun (but much, much safer) when keeping out all the hope! I'm so so SO guarded against hope. I worry that by keeping out the hope my brain affects my body and my body follows suit. "OK!" it says. "Roger that, we are NOT having hope on this--I'll let the rest of the body know. Thanks for the memo!" Proceeds to SHUT. IT. DOWN. When confronted in a job performance review the body says "WHAT???? I was just following orders!!! Can't get mad!" (can get mad will get mad).
"Dear Lord, please help me be a mythical bird!"
I'm going to need to pray for strength to keep being a phoenix as long as it takes to reach a resolution. I know that this is the time, the time to figure this out. No more seeing where things go, letting time take it's course. Now is the time. I'm gonna creep along slowly covering my eyes and peering through and hope I get there, just like Bob from What About Bob.