the interwebs, adult friendships, retrospection, and looking ahead

I'm big into looking back, examining my life, using what's happened to try to learn and grow. But it just hit me specifically to what's been "ennui-ing me" over the internet the last year or so. (When I say internet I mean instagram and blogs I used to read where people move on, as is normal in life). Everything is for a season. I think my attention span is longer than the average bear about certain things so when other people get the unspoken rule it's time to move on to snapchat and instagram live or whatever they're even doing these days (SIGHHHHHH) I'm still in the mode of enjoying hearing people's stories with words and pictures and the big little day to day things that make up our lives.  The internet at large is ALWAYS pushing for next next next. In January everyone is freaking out about spring. After the 4th of July everyone is freaking out about fall. I feel like I have these same complaints over the internet but as a mom of a young little person sometimes you depend on it (TOO much I'm realizing writing this all out) for communication with the outside world.

I am seeing now I need to step back from the DEPENDENCY in feeling those connections and work harder at connecting in more real ways. This is scary for me. Friendships are hard, especially adult friendships. I am so anxious about friendships sometimes.  It's easier to feel "bonded" to strangers on the internet because there is no commitment and you can hide when and if you choose to. I have a few close friends but I know in my day to day life I need to do more in regards to getting Sawyer and I "out there" with activities and relationships. I don't want her to be a hermit unless she wants to be one, lol.

I have days where I don't feel the need to grab my phone. Other days it's like distracting me from my day and I'm wasting so much time. I know it's not ALL wasted because there are people I genuinely enjoy catching up with through social media but I need to practice a little more discipline. I'm trying to figure out joining a mom's group (I know, what is my life even a mom's group sounds so annoying!) but it's through Facebook which I quit long ago and I made up a new and secret one just for this mom's thing and now i can't remember the password even or figure out how to log in. I feel so OLD and IRRELEVANT reading this!!! What is happening to me, lol.

I guess my slow processing speed is getting in my own way, too. I'm still like "oh wow, I'm a mom! I can't believe it! This is all so new!" And everyone else has like their next two years planned and is all "Your a mom we get it you've been a mom for a whole year thats like 50 years in internet time". I think it's good to have a balance of retrospection and making plans, and living in the moment. (um, ok that's quite the balancing act!) I think I've got a lot of nervous energy pent up with being at home a lot and not making writing and creative outlets a priority. So yeah, time to do that. This a quick post to get that whole internet thing off my chest and move on to an actual post. Hah!