Thursday, October 13, 2016

This Time Last Year

This time last year was a strange mix of hope, fear, joy, peace, and managing expectations.

We were FINALLY on the last leg of our journey to start our family. After so many years of ambiguity and struggle it felt odd to be taking concrete steps that could POSSIBLY make being pregnant a reality. (I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it and she's already here!) One way or another we were going to get some direction. Either our fertility treatments would work, or they wouldn't. We would know. It was so exciting and so daunting.

This time last year we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. We spent a lot of time enjoying nature. We spent time going to concerts and traveling and enjoying friendships. I remember even though I was anxious there was an underlying peace about everything---when you feel like the weight of not getting pregnant has been on your shoulders for years it's such a relief to know there would be medical intervention! I didn't have to "control" everything anymore. Not that I did or was ever able to control anything...

This time last year I spent a lot of time reciting verses to myself. Speaking truth to my head and heart. Listening to calming music. Basically I was constantly re-swaddling my renegade emotions. September and October 2015 was such a landmark time in my life and I don't ever want to forget it. The colors, the music, the VIBE (for a less millennial word; "reassurance") that no matter what, everything was going to be ok. While I spent so many years feeling so stuck, life was taking a giant step forward. AND I WAS MOVING WITH IT!

This time last year I haggled with the insurance company and spent a lot of time on the phone with nurses.  I did a lot of really scary stuff that I was really happy to get the chance to do. . I tried to live every day just in that day. In that moment. Instead of constantly worrying about the future. Every single day was like a whole universe to me. I kept thinking all I need to do is do today well. All the "what ifs" were so overwhelming that baby steppin it was the only way I could manage.

Real joy can't exist without trials. Real gratitude can't exist without having gone without. I truly hope my time of waiting has made me into the person I am meant to be, the best person to be Sawyer's momma!

 Below I'm posting some pictures from this time last year with some of my favorite verses. I don't want to forget the days leading up to the beautiful miracle that is Sawyer. The millions of tiny things that had to go right to get our baby. I am so so thankful. Thankful to be on this side of the wait, and thankful to God for getting a hold of my heart and rescuing it from wallowing in bitterness and "why me". Thankful to God for giving me Ted and our life together; married almost 9 years before our girl arrived and we managed to make the most of it! Thankful for autumn; when everything around us starts to get the most beautiful before it dies for the winter--but now it will always be a time that represents new life to me. Let the emoting and remembering commence!

"You make known to me the path of life, in your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forevermore". Psalm 16:11

"I will hold your right hand and I will help you" Isaiah 41:13

"Whenever I'm afraid; I will trust in you" Psalm 56:3

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy" Psalm 126:5

"But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior" Jeremiah 20:11

"I will go before you; and make the crooked places straight" Isaiah 45:2

 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm" Exodus 14:14
 "Out of difficulties grow miracles" I Peter 5:10
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears" Psalm 34:4 
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry". Psalm 40:1

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