Wednesday, February 11, 2015

STOP TELLING ME I'M TOO NICE and other complaints

If you are like me, (and if you're reading this, you probably are)--I'm sure you've heard this phrase:

"You're too nice". But instead of someone saying it like "Hey, thanks for doing that! You're too nice!" it is said in a tone that is really saying (if you read between the lines and AGAIN if you're like me, you would read between the lines) "you're a doormat! and I would have never allowed myself to be treated in such a fashion!!!!"


First things first--I don't think I'm that nice of a person. I have ugly thoughts and selfish ambition as much or more than the next person. I was raised to be polite and think of others feelings or needs. I'm not perfect at this in any way--but I wasn't raised in a Hunger Games fashion to kill or be killed at the first sign of weakness either.

Big picture thought--I really hate how our society puts "standing up for oneself" on a pedestal. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a doormat or a victim. But I see so many people using this in a fashion that is an excuse for "ME FIRST ALWAYS".  I had a former co-worker who I dreaded getting into conversations with. No matter what the conversation began as it ALWAYS turned into a lecture from her about "being your own advocate" and "not putting up with things" (what things?!? what are these vague things that above all, should not be put up with?!)  First of all, on my end the convo was always banal chit chat in hopes of a speedy escape. My plate was full enough without advice from an angry person I didn't feel like engaging with about things that I didn't see as issues.

True meekness takes so much more strength than firing immediately at anyone you think is "trying to big time you". (I love the saying "big timing", it's amazing).  Because people--I have been the person to lash out, put someone in their place, say "what they had coming to them", and guess what? It felt terrible! It didn't even feel good while it was happening. Then there is the humility that comes after a blow up. The apologies, the talking. (Oh, the talking...talking about feelings is the WORST!) There are definitely times when speaking up, being firm, and being righteously indignant are a good option. But seriously...I get tired of everyone wanting to make mountains out of molehills all for the sake of "not taking anyones crap". (Sometimes I feel like everyone has this mindset like they live in New York in the 90's---"I'M WALKIN HERE! HEYYYYY! PIZZA! BROOKLYN! FORGET ABOUT IT!") And also? Not everyone is trying to big time you! Sometimes people aren't thinking about you at. all. They just act...and you happen to be around.

I really want to take the time to decide what is worth "standing up for" and focus my energies there. People genuinely feel if they don't freak out on someone who caused a minor blip on their radar "they won't ever get punished and it CANNOT be tolerated!"  Oh, if we were all punished the way we deserve! It's ok people...God's got it. Yeah, speak up for yourself, don't walk around with this false humility and what not but God loves that guy who cut you off during your morning commute JUST AS MUCH as He loves you. I know, right? We often think of ourselves as the protagonist in a novel where we are the lovely, wounded, and infallible in judgement while everyone else is the ugly, villainous, antagonistic Nellie Olsen's of society. (Oh Nellie Olsen. Bet you're sorry you were mean to Laura Ingalls back in the day! #americasfirstmeangirl).

This verse, I think is so important to remember while we are in the hustle and flow of our days here on earth:

I think ultimately some people thrive off of confrontation. Love asserting dominance. That is not my jam and never will be. But I think it's ok to figure things out and pray before acting. You will probably regret it if you don't. Standing up for people or situations where something wrong is happening is another thing entirely. Jesus flipped out on those money changers in the temple! But he wasn't freaking out because HE had been slighted but because they were bringing dishonor to his Father's House. He was not flipping out because he had not been picked first or didn't get his way over a minor point. #foodforthought

Here is another verse that I feel goes so well with this topic:

I seriously love this verse (and print!). It sums up so well how we should handle ourselves in the world. You might be smart enough to realize someone is big timing you, but you don't have to big time them back. :) 


  1. Haha. Your use of "big timing" is cracking me up! I get the "too nice" thing. Although, sometimes I legitimately feel like a doormat, and that feeling sucks too. There's gotta be a balance somewhere, right? Between firing off something mean and saying nothing at all?

    1. I know, it's a hard balance. One of the thjngs I pray most mornings is for wisdom for what to say and when. The other day this thing happened where a student brought in cupcakes and I was really looking forward to having one--but a coworker wanted to take the extras home. I totally was like I STILL WANT ONE THANKS! And in my head I was like leave it to me to stand up for myself when it comes to CUPCAKES lol.

      I think I'll write another post about the balance between the two.

  2. I also loved the big-timing and the shout-out to Nellie Olsen, America's first Mean Girl. Haha!

    I am so with you on this...I always hated it when people who were just flat-out mean would describe themselves as "blunt" or "honest." No, you hurt people's feelings and write it off! There's a time for bluntness and cutting to the chase with people...but like you said, I think a good way to keep it in check is - "is this righteous anger because God has been slighted, or selfish anger because I have?" Not that I have THAT down! But even when we stand up for ourselves, I think it should be done with respect for other people's feelings and with gentleness...while still being firm when needed. You guys are's a tough balance!

  3. I agree! So many people claim to be just standing up for themselves, when in reality they are just thinking ONLY of themselves!!!