2014 Mantra

life lately...it's so full of tests of faith, loss, sadness, and struggle. They always say it gets darkest before the dawn. I have had many dark periods, now it's mostly numbness with glimmers of hope here and there. If feels so much better than darkness! It's always the most numb and ambiguous before the dawn? No matter, what I have been living by a mantra this year. It's not one I just saw and thought "Oh, that's cute, I'll type it up in cutesy letters and post it over my computer!" I read it once and it keeps coming up in my life, forcing me to pull my head out of the sand. I knew I wasn't interested in yearly goals come January 1st this year. Why bother making them when it put's so much pressure on an already self critical mind? I guess my New Year's resolution kind of found me and rammed itself down my throat!

The phrase that I has been forcing me out of my comfort zone is this:

I get so bogged down with everything that can go wrong and all my short comings that it keeps me from putting myself out there and trying.  I just keep repeating to myself. That you can't really accomplish or do ANYTHING without messing up, being wrong, getting reprimanded, judged, or criticized. And it's all good because it means you're doing something. And seriously, you need to do something and stop sitting around watching everyone else accomplish goals and grab up all the life force:)

So I guess a gallon of paint and a roller is a tangible manifestation of said mantra. I finally just manned up and painted a dang wall. I didn't worry about if I would love it a year from now, or if it would go with any future purchases or decorating choices. I didn't worry that I got some on the carpet, my clothes, or the baseboard. I had fun. Teddy Westside helped and we worked well together and were proud of our work. He didn't make fun of me too much when I was afraid to go to the top step of the step ladder and I didn't laugh too much when he almost fell off it multiple times.

Now I'm just singing "Rose's Turn" and taking the world by storm, haha.

Here are a few inspiration pics:

This photo is taken from www.deucecitieshenhouse.com

I absolutely love this color. It's "Dragonfly" by Benjamin Moore. I have loved it for several years but couldn't pull the trigger or land on a specific spot to put it.

This one is from www.chrislovesjulia.com

They call it a "Reading Room" and ever since I laid eyes on it I was like MUST. HAVE. THAT.

So for my wall I'm thinking putting some Billy Bookcases without backs to mimic a built in style? Similar to this:

This is from YoungHouseLove. I love basically everything they do and have admired this builtin for quite sometime. Look at that beautiful Dragonfly in the background!

For the time being it might be my desk area shoved up against it (desk is white) with gold accents. I'm excited to finally take matters into my own hands and stop worrying! It's my house dangit and I can make it look awesome if I want.

I will post pictures of my actual wall soon. I need to take something that isn't iPhone confound it, Raja!

The Red Door

The air was still and quiet. The trees were bare, their dark arms reaching out to the sky surrendering. She hurried quietly through a field that was somehow familiar and unfamiliar. The dry grass crunched loudly beneath her feet. She tried to tread more softly keeping a steady watch on the horizon. 

"Concentrate!" her inner monologue told her. "Concentrate or you will miss it again!" If she just kept watching she would finally see what she was looking for. She made it to the other side of the field and gingerly crouched down at the tree line. She stared across the field until her eyes were heavy. She reached up to make sure her auburn hair was still tucked under her hood so she wouldn't be spotted and readjusted her gaze. She quietly retrieved her binoculars out of her backpack and gave the tree line a hard stare.Up and down, back and forth…nothing. Over and over. Just like her dad taught her. You stay still enough for long enough and you will see something. She looked again only to see the horizon remain empty. Trees. Grass. The sky slowly began to fade. There wasn't much time! But she was determined. She continued her scan and began to wonder how long she had been there. The sun still had not set. As she pulled up her sleeve to look at her watch she noticed one by one the hairs on her arms started to raise. The air that had been dead and silent a moment ago now became electric. There was a tiny movement in her peripheral vision. Anxiously she zeroed the binoculars in. The movement seemed as though nothing was causing it, the tall grass rustling only slightly. There was no wind. She kept staring at the spot and the rustling increased until a human figure rose up from the brush. Trembling she adjusted her binoculars to try and get more focus. Her heart pounded blood through her ears. 

“This is it!”

She felt as though she was standing on the edge of a big wave of enlightenment.  Her limbs felt hollow.  But the more she stared the less she could make out the details of the person rising from the ground. A form with no features. A silhouette turned and  walking into the woods. 

“NO, no. This isn’t happening.” she thought frantically. She felt the moment slipping through her grasp. The field was dimming as though she was watching it play out on a movie theatre screen and the lights had been turned on. She felt as though she was lying down even though she was now standing. Frantically she grabbed for her backpack but it wasn’t there.

She blinked and she was horizontal in a bed and it was completely dark. 

She blinked again and she was back in the field.

Hazily she watched the form slowly creeping across the field. She thought about running but her body wouldn’t move. She tried yelling but she couldn’t hear any sounds coming from her mouth.

Moments before she was awake for good she watched as a red door appeared out of nowhere the ambiguous form opened it and slipped behind it.

She woke up to the sound of screaming. 

the oscars and a portrait of an apartment therapy house tour and other brain matter

(2014 and no posting until March! self scolding going on here)

 I know it's easy to get caught up in the "new" and "wowed" by things that are critically acclaimed (ok, maybe not for us cynics but in GENERAL just roll with this). If you think about it there is a formula and cycle for EVERYTHING under the sun:

tv, movies, fashion, decorating, diets, child rearing, ect.

The formula's or patterns start to stand out to me SO BLATANTLY that it becomes comical and I have a hard time actually liking something. I think this is pretty common for my "ironic generation".  Does any of this make sense? For example, an Oscar bait movie must have smattering of these themes:

Aids, WWII, homosexuality, slavery, extreme poverty, random Cinderella actor/actress from humble beginnings. A really famous actor playing someone ugly or an opposite gender.

Immediately everyone swoons and claps and cries and says "they deserve it!" or "this story just speaks to me on a primal level"!

So in celebration of the downtrodden heroes of life Hollywood spends MILLIONS of dollars on a show where everyone is wearing clothes they spent millions of dollars on and is basically nothing but a huge advertisement. If you watch  with a simple and trusting mind you think Hollywood is a place where everyone is friends and supports each other in their creative endeavors. You don't think of it as place where people's self worth is so inflated for merely portraying REAL people who live everyday lives. (I would be happy to make a few million to start in a dramatic tale about my life…let's get that that going). Then to dress it up and "celebrate" it. I don't know. It seems so fake and gross to me EVEN THOUGH I love movies and television and a really good story. I also love beauty and well fashioned dress or suit. But it makes me sick sometimes to think about it.

That is my first thought of today's rambling post!

Other thoughts that are vaguely tangential to that thought:

Apartment Therapy. 

Ugh, I have such a love hate relationship with that site.

On one hand it is like a dream come true that I can have many visual tours of other peoples homes to gawk at in my jammies and couch time at the end of the day. ON the other hand….

EVERY DANG APARTMENT/HOUSE IS THE SAME. It has a formula! (surprise, surprise!) And everyone says the same thing about their "style" and how they "curated" their home. (20% craigslist, 30% West Elm, 10% local stores, 10% hand me downs, 30% DIY).

The walls will be white because HELLO it's the next natural phase after all the grays that have been dominating the last few years. Everyone says "it's just so crisp and clean and breath of fresh air". I in many ways agree and have seen many a white wall I love. BUT. (Everyone is doing it so if I do it, will I be just another hack? I still like my grayish beige-y walls. I feel like I'm inside a cinnamon and sugar pop tart. I can accessorize with any colors I want and it won't clash. I know I'm not taking any "risks" by why does making a comfortable home need to be riddled with RISK TAKING????? NO one ever comes over to our house to be amazed by all the alleged risk taking!)

The area rug will be either aztec or a textured piece from West Elm (oh "but we got it on sale" everyone says…if you are living in a New York Brownstone we know you have money so don't try to be all I do things on the cheap! You don't know what doing things on the cheap means! enjoy that aspect about your life!) The couch? Mid-century. The art? Things they have diy-ed or bought on etsy and says things like "for like ever" ironically and stuff. There will be specifically placed house plants and pets looking emo and hip. AND SO MUCH NATURAL LIGHT the evils of fluorescents have need dained touched their pale pasty skin. There will be Apple products everywhere and husbands and wives who look the same with the same hair cut, body type, weight, and outfit. One of them is always vaguely asian. They are always casually photographed on their uncomfortable looking expensive  but made to look vintage couch where they probably never eat on look aloof and like skinny jeans are in fact comfortable.

Don't get me wrong there are plenty of tours and ideas I absolutely love from that site and I clearly frequent it daily. I just get bogged down in minutia. I want a home I love but my taste changes because I look at different stuff each day. I need a better balance of looking at things to increase my creativity and to STOP LOOKING at things that just make me annoyed or burnt out.


ON TO MY NEXT POINT:

Every time I see a trailer for a new show or movie I cringe because there are always elements from my own story I want to write and then I feel like another hack/lame-o/lack and original thought-haver. I guess I should just hurry up and write it and let the chips fall where they may.

I keep repeating to myself "there is nothing new under the sun so deal with that and make the characters  RELATABLE and you will be proud of anything you write".


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That's just a nonsense look into the thoughts I think.

Hopefully there will be more coherent and consistent posting thorughout March.

Until next time!
-Carrie

Hello Goodbye

goodbye 2013, hello 2014.  I promised myself I would take a break from "new years" this year but I guess it wouldn't hurt to tap out a few words.

2013: (in no particular order)

You were the year that GOLD came back. And white wall paint had an uprising against the grey/beige aka "greige" of 2011-2012 fame. People act all like "Oh gold, you're awesome all of a sudden" and gold is all like "HAH you fair-weather friends! I've been around for literally ages and you all have despised me for the likes of silver and brushed nickel and said I looked TACKY FOR OVER A DECADE NOW. But whatevs. I'll take my place in the spotlight where I belong now, you witless oafs". (Yes, gold totally said that). 

You were the year that I turned 30, and I think really grew up over the course of your twelve months. Thanks for getting me there. 

I don't remember specifically if we joined our church in 2012 or 2013 but I think we officially "belong" there now over the course of this year.  

In 2013 I took on more responsibility at work. 

I ran a Cooking Camp!

My niece turned four. What?!

Two friends brought new people into the world. 

This year has cemented my life goals and given me a drive to get there. 

I made the decision and a plan to confront my worst of demons in 2014. 

I had a confrontation that had been brewing for years. I don't think I initiated it right or well, but when the smoke cleared I got to say some things that needed saying. So whether it's a win or a lose it was a lesson. 

It's been a year that made me itch and ache to leave my comfort zone. 

It's been a year that made me realize the desire for "comfort" can be an idol as much as anything else. 

It's been a year of making a few new friends and letting go of some too. 

It's been a year of laughter and fun.

It's been a year of appreciating Teddy more. 

It's been a year of appreciating my family more. 

It's been a year of being thankful for what is instead of dwelling on what isn't. 

It's been a year for friends to fall in love. 

It was the year we got to see Taliesin and tread on uncharted territory and dream of more. 

It's been a year of waking up and going to bed early.

It's been a year of trying new things in the kitchen. 

A year of taking walks and watching birds. 

The year we got our basement finished! 

The year we annoyingly dressed up as Doctor Who for halloween!

It was the year we were married for 6 years. 

New basement (paint much more yellow-y/gold than we thought…oh well!)

I went to NYC with my buddy Janna. Atlas, has the weight of the world on his shoulders. This was year he finally began to shrug. 

We went to Taliesin and it was beautiful and someone asked if we were on our honeymoon. Hah!!! I guess we must like each other or something. 

It was a good year. Maybe even a pivotal one. Who knows? I guess time will tell. 

Happy New Year's!

-CJ

Grandparent Memories for Christmas

It's Christmas Eve! I love to think of time as tiny snow globes and look back on each year and see a tiny cross section of life. It's easy to do with holidays because you pretty much know what you were doing each year (give or take) of your life so far.

When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was for my paternal grandparents. They had awesome decorations reminiscent of Mad Men. They took such great care to make sure they bought us something we really wanted. My grandma would let me peruse the Sears catalogue and I would turn down the top of pages of pretty whatevers that caught my eye.  (Erstwhile my parents always saying "NO no no, they already have too many toys, you don't need to do so much this year").  Even as a kid I recognized the classic grandparent/parent tug-of-war, that is still alive and well and being passed on to generation after generation, hehe. I remember one year my uncle dressing up as a shepherd to read the Christmas story which was pretty gutsy considering there were lots of cameras around.

My maternal grandparents meant the first nativity set that stood out in my mind. Even when I was young it was old and fragile but I would stare at it playing make believe for as long as I could. Mamaw and Papaw meant chocolate chip cookies with black walnuts. It meant seeing cousins and my papaw dressing up in a hand made Frosty the Snowman costume that was bonkers legit. It meant my mamaw spending hours of time vhs recording all the Christmas specials on tv for us and stopping and starting so we wouldn't have to have the commercials. That tape was probably watched 1,000 times by me and my brother over the years forever cementing those specific specials as OFFICIAL CHRISTMAS CANON of holiday specials. (With such gems as of course Rudolph, Frosty, Mickey's Christmas Carol complete with the goofy skiing short, and the snowball fight short with Hewey, Dewey, and Louie, Chip and Dale hijinx, THE claymation Christmas special which we have recently acquired on dvd and forced on my niece and nephews, and others). I remember the sleigh bells on their door which would jingle each time another family member arrived out of the cold to join the festivities.

I'm so happy to have these memories. I am so lucky to have had four grandparents in my life. I am lucky to have two still here.

One memory that sticks out in my mind which can sum up all the biggest wish of my grandparents for me and all my cousins is this:

My mamaw was very into planning activities for family get togethers. As a kid this was insanely awesome and anticipated by me and more than likely not as highly anticipated by the adults. For Thanksgiving, it was skits with hand sewed pilgrim outfits, for Christmas it was learning songs and performing them, hand sewn angel costumes to recites scripture (me and my brother, I need to find those pictures) and other such stuff. One year we sang the 12 days of Christmas but with different words and got to hold up signs when it was our turn. I don't remember any of the the different words except the replacement for "and a partridge in a pear tree".  It said:

This is what was most important gift and memory both sets of my grandparents wanted us to know. Then it became the most important gift and memory my parents wanted us to know. I'm so thankful they made this truth known to us. I'm so glad that I know it. I hope this Christmas that you will also know it.

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liz lemon: "our lady of having it all" and other musings

I'm having a lot of thoughts. What else is new? My life is mostly thoughts. The other part is focusing on acting human and fitting into society so people will leave me alone, to my thoughts. Hah. My brain is trying it's best to digest the lessons and goings on of my busy school year and the looming change of life ahead. My brain is loosening it's tendrils on my thoughts and they are popping their heads out like woodland creatures, getting ready to be dealt with. 

My hair is tangled.

I forgot/ was too lazy to take off my makeup from yesterday.

I'm in a T-shirt covered in paint.

I'm wearing one of many yoga pants that were residing on the floor beside my bed.

This is one of my favorite looks for myself because it means this:

 I have two almost unfettered weeks of yoga pants and painty-shirt wearing in front of me because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK, baby! (Now I get that some people do not get a break around the holidays except that actual days (aka T only has Christmas Day and New Year's Day off) so you might be shaking your head in disgust at me. Go ahead. Shake away. The joy of being a teacher!

I have been awake since 5:15. I'm not complaining. This is my internal stress clock at work. It keeps me from missing my alarm and gets me to work on time. Hopefully this will dissipate so I can sleep a little over the next few weeks but whatevs. (I didn't have to set an alarm so that is a huge win.)

So one of the thoughts that is trying to escape the "brain tendrils" can best be summed up in Liz Lemon fashion:

(art work society 6)

Our lady of having it all. 

The notion of "having it all". 

For women, "having it all" is the dream, right? 

(and Liz Lemon is an awesomely hilarious depiction of what attempting to have it all actually looks like…stress acne, poor health and eating habits, skipping out on actual people to spend time with tv friends…um, this is all too familiar)

As we stomp over all the shattered ceiling glass I sense this general attitude of female Millenials saying "we have to do it all otherwise we're weak. Now that we can officially follow our dreams right out of the kitchen, we must look to society to tell us which dreams are worthwhile and which ones aren't glass ceiling approved!"

Don't get me wrong. This isn't a "women shouldn't work and should stay at home and have babies" post and "working moms are evil" post. No no no no no. There is no choosing sides here. I don't think any female is so black and white put into a category anyways. 

Getting older has made me begin to really get to know myself and know my limits. As in….(drum roll) I'm not the type of person who can (in the mainstream perspective) "have it all". 

Let me elaborate. In my idea "having it all" means this:

1. you are married

2. you have a job that pays equal to what your husband makes if not more

3. you go on to additional schooling

4. you buy a nice house

5. you spawn children (multiple!)

6. you manage during this time of marrying, house buying, grad schooling, and child spawning to SAVE MONEY and make Dave Ramsey your bestie. 

7.  you have an obligatory social group in which you compete (cough) I mean spend time with.

8. health is important to you. you belong to a gym (or whatever is popular at the moment be it kettle bells, cross fit, running marathons, what  have you).

9. you eat healthfully and at home all the while being super organized. 

10. Family is still, somehow, your number one priority.

So for MYSELF, this sounds like a nightmare I could never in a million years manage to keep up with. In life I can focus on two things, MAYBE three, max. And even then "focused" might not be accurate. I think a more apt description would be maybe a percentage of energies or attention paid to. There is 100% worth of energies and this is what it looks like right now: (on any given day, except maybe a Saturday)

1. Thought life/spiritual life/dreaming/scheming: (all of which are very important to me)

10%

2. Marriage: 20%

3. Work:45% (being at work, coming home and emailing to and about work, lesson planning, preparing for next day)

4.  Maintenance tasks like bathing, folding laundry, make up, hair, cleaning or cooking, lunch packing:

l5%

5. Keeping up other relationships: (phone, text, emails)

2%

6. And, being real honest, the last 7% goes to television and rocking myself in a corner trying to get my introvert brain geared up for more the next day. 

Realistically there isn't room for "it all". Ok? Some men and women are able to have 200% energy throughout the day and keep coming back for more. That restores some people. For me, I get depleted. Currently I'm in need of being hooked up to a yoga pants IV drip. I need time for my thoughts to wander and work on something creative. That's when my mind rights itself and my spirit stretches back out and uncrumples itself. Space. Quiet. Then I'm ready to be busy again. Don't get me wrong. The idea of sitting on the couch all day everyday or sitting at the computer all day every day isn't inviting. I love to be busy, to be useful. I think maybe my brain is ready for a different challenge, a different way of life. 

Realistically? This is what I'm gonna yell at myself Major Payne style in the mirror each morning: "Pick the things that are most important and get to the other stuff when you can. Rest when you need to and work when you need to. Don't be a control freak and don't be lazy. If something's gotta give, let it give and don't look back". 

Don't let what gives be prayer/God/church because that hasn't worked in the past. 

The things that are most important will change as your life and circumstances change. 

What I know now that maybe I didn't know growing up is that the people who are all physical energy and the people who have more creative energy are of equal importance. We need both thoughts and actions to make the world go. What we don't need is all action driven by zero thought or all thoughts with no subsequent action. 

I want to kick punch the glorification of busy and having it all right out of my life and see it for what it is.

Sigh. 

All the thoughts, still happening.

I am fearfully and excitedly trying to make some changes in my priorities. Who knows. Maybe at this time next year my life will look totally different?

(in Liz Lemon's defense, "having it all" was just having a job and a family and I think that's pretty darn doable. You go Glen Coco, er Liz Lemon). 

until next time,

CJ

The Magazine Myth: Holiday Edition

I have a love hate relationship with magazines, blogs, basically anything where people have a platform to espouse annoying ideas with basically no recourse (oh wait…). Well, I do love pretty pictures and FOOD IDEAS but I really hate when magazines act like "normal and everyday people" live life like they are rich and have tons of free time and really fancy jobs and all that jazz.

Here are my top 5 holiday magazine myths:

1. Everyone must attend or host half a dozen fancy holiday parties that involve wearing pearls and time traveling back to the 1950's.
Home cooked food and china must be involved as well as wordy toasts that you tear up for and think back on all your amazing accomplishments for the year. I don't think I have ever been or been invited to a fancy holiday party. I'm talking cocktail dresses and pearls and everyone is smoking somehow even though no one actually smokes. A jazz band is playing perpetually and people are calling each other "dahling" and saying dashing things. This hasn't happened to me except when I watch Mad Men. To me, work or church holiday parties always involve lots of appetizers made with cream cheese, weird games,  and a white elephant gift exchange fraught with indignation, competitiveness, and regret. (No lie, one time we left a white elephant party with a CHILDS TOILET. We didn't find it amusing like everyone else did. I mean seriously…we wanted the video iPod! office reference). People are checking their watch, needing to get home, secretly wanting to  fall asleep watching Elf in stretch pants. This is how normal people celebrate!!! Then you take home whatever food you brought and are both offended and glad there is a lot leftover. I guess it didn't have enough cream cheese.

2. You must  buy everyone a present you have ever met and also those peoples relatives and their dogs .
According to magazines only the filthy rich can celebrate Christmas without offending anyone. Fancy gloves for your mail man! Fancy stationery for your bosses daughter! An initialed scarf for your pharmacist! No thank you. Family and close friends only depending on what the agreement is that year. Also I think your mailman would be like "I would rather your dog not try to eat me every day than have these gloves that are clearly marked down by 80% thanks".

3. You have to send out a Christmas card with an adorable picture to everyone you ever met and if you don't send it out the day after Halloween you should feel guilt ridden. 
While I love receiving Christmas cards and sending them, I don't think this is a must. It's nice, but not a must. Also quit wrapping your babies up in lights that are turned on. I don't think that's safe? I also don't have a huge list of people who will want a picture of two adults and two cats wearing santa hats so there's also that. I email you those anyways.

4. Gift Cards are an offensive gift so get them stationery instead.
NO, magazines this is not a thing. I know you are printed on paper so you really have a log in the fire to push paper but NO. Your tweener niece will not want stationery over a Target gift card. End of story. Janna can buy me stationery because she GETS ME stationery-wise. But no, as a teen, stationery was not really a fun gift. Except then you can just write fancy notes to your friends after Christmas Break.

5. Magazines always make every woman sound like narcissistic perfectionist martyrs who have zero interests outside being perfect at everything.
"MAKE TIME to enjoy yourself this holiday! Don't let the holiday bustle get you down, take five minutes for yourself then get back out there being perfect! You don't have to be perfect, just really close to it! Go! Do! From scratch! The most thoughtful gift! Also the house must always smell like cookies!" Yeesh. I love to dabble in cooking, decorating, entertaining, crafting, organizing, ect. But dang, magazines there is MORE to us than organizing and cooking! Sometimes magazines act like what they say is actually rocket science. "Holiday stress getting you down? Don't forget to take time for you! Here's a list of really good ideas NO ONE has ever thought of before! Get a massage! Get your hair done! Get a manicure! Sit down with some cocoa and watch a Christmas movie!" Thanks, didn't think to SIT DOWN and watch tv. I couldn't have made it through this holiday without SITTING DOWN that one time!!!!

Oi. I know. It's a rant. But I have been having lots building up over the last few months. I gotta get it out or I won't sleep well. And magazines truly annoy me. I guess I'm not reading the right ones. But the pictures are always so pretty I have hope for the content. Like you hope that hot actor is actually an interesting person or something. I guess I should just pretend there are no words in them unless its a coupon. There. I'll just do that.

Thanks for listening,
CJ