The Passenger

I love when I have several topics I want to write about simultaneously; and they're fighting for predominance in my head and fingers--which will win out? Or will it just be a mind explosion? Will everything that rises also converge? Maybe if I was more disciplined  I would write all of them, cohesively and separately--work on it even when I'm not "feeling it".  And maybe writing them separately isn't necessary. Maybe some of the thoughts should be thrown together, and see what works. I'll work on the the discipline part though.  I've always felt I needed to write, but I struggle with it. I guess it's like "do I even have what it takes to write?" and I doubt, and then doubting leads to inaction. My most worn out and tired vicious cycle! Well, knowledge is power:) I know my self doubt in any area always leads to inaction. So...here's a little bit of action and cycle breaking for you! (mostly for myself).

So we all have those songs that just stick with us through a certain period of our lives, right? And the song (or songs, album, playlist, ect) comes to concretely represent a grouping of thoughts and feelings, ideologies even. And you get intertwined with it, and attached. And then it becomes part of your story, part of your life soundtrack.

Lately for me, I've been listening to Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". I've liked this song for a long time. Something about the music and lyrics speak to me. And I really like the episode of Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown where he gets to hang out with Iggy in Miami. I really resonant with stories of finding peace, or at least becoming comfortable and confident in who you are. Many times this only comes with time, living, and learning through your own mistakes. And the early and middle years are often spent yearning/raging/striving. I mean hello, punk music! It's all about rebellion and in your face-ness! Anyways, in the episode he meets Tony at a health food joint, they eat a light meal and they have a good conversation. (And I'll be honest here, maybe I'm mistaking "inner peace" for "rock star who's brain is kind of fried from years of attending rock n roll high school", but just go with me here). I really liked the fact that when Tony asked him what was a perfect day for him looked like he said sitting on the beach on a hot day being with someone who's company he really enjoyed. That resonates with me in a profound way; maybe because it's not goal oriented but that it's relational oriented.  There is importance about getting right inside and letting that set the tone for your life, or at the very least recognizing things that are of true value. I'm really not trying to sound Yoga Jones on you, promise. Seeing this episode shortly after attending the WTC and being able to feeling peace and hope in the first time in a long time I kinda grasped onto this small snippet--to identify with a 68 year old punk rock king about something so small as sitting on the beach and watching the horizon and feeling something. And allowing yourself to be loved.

You know how I talked about having different topics fighting about which would be blogged about today? I guess I'm gonna try an awkward segue here. In my mind these are both holding hands and make sense.  Imagine a hand coming down from those paragraphs up there and grabbing this new paragraphs fingers, intertwining. Becoming one bigger thought.

Last week Ted had the whole week off. Ever since I decided to be a substitute teacher this year rather than returning to my usual post he has been really great about working, working, working, and then some. Long days, over time, ect. Of course we're blessed he works at a place where he does have plenty of vacation time so neither one of us are complaining here! We have it really good. As in, our needs are met and we have each other---and then some!!! We're fully blessed in so many ways.  I guess with the winter and the not feeling the best, a bit of anxiety was chasing me. I was really missing Ted (I felt like by the time he got home I'd pretty much fall asleep like an hour later lol) and feeling like there was just stuff I needed help with around the house. Like painting the nursery!  Basically I felt like I was wringing my hands but needed a kickstart to do anything. Like a nervous Duracell bunny just going in circles instead of moving forward--I needed a reset. And last week was a really great time of just being together and doing things we enjoy (like doing chores and going out to lunch and watching Anthony Bourdain and LOST and going to the museum and sleeping in).

We're so excited to finally be the three of us, and since we've waited so long I thought saying goodbye to being two wouldn't be hard at all! But I've been having some bittersweet feelings creeping in. Maybe because people keep telling me stories of becoming roommates with their spouse after kids, and barely ever seeing each other. I'm sure this does happen and  you get busy doing right by your family but I guess Ted is such a big part of who I am this scares me. I guess instead of being scared I'll just pray about this transition. DUH. I wish that was always my first instinct rather than doing aforementioned bunny circles.

 Bringing this line of thought up and making it a circle; "The Passenger" is also meaningful to me because one of our MOST favorite things to do as a couple is to drive and listen to music. It is just something we like to do. And I'm The Passenger. The passenger in the song sees beauty and mess and takes it all in.  We've done our driving thing through good times and bad. Heartache and happiness. We just enjoy it. Me because I can take in the world and try and process it. Him because he's physically doing something but also relaxing (and he loves roads...but thats a story for another time, haha). And we're together. We can talk or not talk. We can sing along or hum. My feelings tend to process more quickly this way. And lately I've been playing "The Passenger" at least once when we get in the car to go somewhere. Even the loose harmony on the "la-la's" remind me of how two different voices can make the song/journey better, give it more depth. This song reminds me of that pastime with the two of us. And the bond we have, that loose harmony,  I pray it will only get stronger and more beautiful through this next phase in our journey.


I'm gonna leave this rambling post with some of the lyrics. If you read this post I hope you give the song a listen. It probably won't have the same meaning for you as it does for me...and that's ok. That's what life is all about; we experience similar things and we make them into our own. With different meaning and significance.

Oh, the passenger
How, how he rides
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the sign and hollow sky
He sees the stars come out tonight
He sees the city's ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine

Meet Me in Montauk

*Edit* 10/9/15 Another post from our "funtivities" while at the Women's Therapy Center. A day trip to the Hampton's and Montauk was perfect to get out of the hotel room




August 2014:

I keep calling this summer, "summer of George". It has been the best summer of my LIFE so far. Isn't that crazy?! I am in love with it and enjoying every moment. I keep pronouncing that I am on "island time" and haven't been beating myself up about this or that. God has really opened the door for us to have a truly enjoyable summer and I'm so thankful! I'll try to break down different fun days into blog posts so I won't ever forget all the amazing, tiny, beautiful, things.

Hamptons/Montauk Recap

Have you ever had a day so perfect you can't believe it happened? I know, that sounds annoying and upbeat but IT'S TRUE I have had many of those days this summer! (This is where I would insert a genuine   #blessed but I'll try not to be THAT upbeat, haha).  While we were away on our trip we took a day trip through the Hampton's and ended up in Montauk. It was a beautiful day weather wise, sunny, mid 80's, low humidity. By the time we got to Montauk there was a breeze and it was really nice to be able to wear jacket on the beach.  (I love the sun but HATE sweating).  The breeze wafted around this floral smell from these pink and white flowers growing every where, there were neat little paths leading you to the beach and things were picturesque to the max.  It really opened up my eyes to the beauty of the North Eastern coast. While I love the south and have enjoyed every beach minute at any beach (Southern California, the Carolina's, the Bahamas, Florida) I gotta say, Montauk MAY have been my favorite?! I think it was the vibe: outdoors and beautiful but not neon and cheap. Maybe it was because it reminded me of Moonrise Kingdom as well. Who knows, but it impressed me and I can't wait to go back.  Maybe because I ate the best crab cakes known to man and want to eat those forever.  *Ok, I looked it up and the flowers were wild beach roses. Man, I'm gonna need a candle of that. Seriously, best fragrance ever.

  We drove through the Hampton's on the way to Montauk and every house looked like Ina Garten's house and there were ANTIQUE SALES AND YARD SALES EVERYWHERE!!!!! We stopped at a church rummage sale and snagged some stuff for FREE as they were shutting it down and didn't want haul anything back inside. I got a black and white old school photo of the Empire State Building  photographed from the top of the Rock, some woven placemats for my table, and some random other things I can't remember. The church was also beautiful and parking was easy (which is always a bonus) in Montauk and East Hampton.

Here are a few million pictures; I will be dreaming of wild beach roses and salt water tonight!

(the church with the rummage sale)

That Time I Met Zach Braff

I've always been a fan...from Scrubs, to Garden State, to Wish I Was Here, I've just always appreciated that guy. His sensitivity, his sense of humor, taste in music....basically we would be buddies irl had we been friends since childhood or something. Or if I kidnapped him. I'm sure that would convince him! #stalkeralert

When in New York during my treatment, it was high priority for me to see a Broadway show. I really wanted to see "Bullets Over Broadway" because it sounded fun AND Zach Braff was in it. I'm sure actual broadway actors hate when hollywood comes to 42nd Street, but in his defense he had been in London producing and what not his own play the year before which I think spares him of some of Hollywood resentment. LOL. I also wanted to see "The Cripple of Innishman" as well, because it sounded like a good play but also DANIEL RADCLIFFE. (That didn't happen, which I still kind of regret but money we aren't made of, hehe). But yeah, I was all ZACH BRAFFFFFFFF!!!! WOOOOO!!!!

Doctor Ross gave us some advice on how to get a good deal (the doctors will totally give you advice on stuff to do, we had a list a mile long before we even got there since we both had been to NYC before) and we trekked into the city our first Friday night there. Needless to say the train into the city from Long Island was bonkers, but very good people watching.  We got off the train and walked around, we kind of wanted to eat dinner at Shake Shack but we were too nervous to be late for the show. Surprise, surprise, the line at Shake Shack was super long so we skipped it and just went straight to the theater. (In the words of my college missions trip leader "early is on time, on time is LATE!").

Being the life paparazzi that I am, I took 1,000 photos. The theater was gorgeous (and actually, if you have seen the movie Birdman, it was the same theater where so many interior/exterior shots were done--- very cool). The show was so fun! Of course I bought the soundtrack on iTunes so I can sing the Tiger Rag and annoy Ted whenever I want. After it was over I was all "we gotta stick around and try to meet Zach Braff, it's our ONE CHANCE"! Ted was all "I'm starving and we're not gonna meet him, let's go roam the streets for food!"  Then we saw a queue outside the main entrance and I decided to stick around and see what happened.  A few minutes later,  out popped a freshly showered and changed into street clothes Zach with his bicycle in hand!  I gave Ted the most crazy "I TOLD YOU SO" look. My exuberance of getting to give the "I told you so look" was soon replaced by nerves.   What if I didn't get to meet him? What if he wasn't nice? WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!! I didn't remember to get an autograph but we did take a selfie together! I wish I would have told him he was good in the show, but I couldn't think. I couldn't even remember how to use my phone. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "IDIOT!!!"  Oh well. Zach, if you're reading this: you were good in the show. And for the record, he was very, very nice and cool to his fans.

I did feel for a few of the other actors who kind of popped out hopefully but got zero recognition. I also wish I would have talked to them and told them they were good in the show. OTHER ACTORS IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU WERE ALSO GOOD IN THE SHOW. SORRY ZACH BRAFF GOT ALL THE ATTENTION.

Without further ado, here are a few pictures. For posterity! 

I think I was so sweaty by this point. How do people tool around the city in boots and looking chic? Dang. 

  The beautiful chandys! 

 When meeting Zach Braff was just a twinkle of hope in my eye. 

 Tada! I managed to figure the phone out...

Ted, probably dying of starvation ;) 

 Sorry we missed you Dan. I would have taken LOTS of pics for your hashtag. 

 the shake shack we didn't go to (sad music). 

 "Hello fans, I'M HERE! EEEEEAAAAAAGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!" (notice the Wish I Was Here shirt)

 "Sure, let me just sign that program for you!" (why didn't I think to do that? silly) 

 "wow, it means a lot to me that you're telling me you thought I was good in the show. Now we're best friends". 

"Huggy hug hugs" (said like JD, from Scrubs)

 She probably couldn't remember how to work her phone either 

Zach says, "well, I'll just keep this phone then". Also I love the range of emotions of the one lady and her husband to the left. 

Hooray for good memories!

As a note for anyone who might be visiting here who are considering going to WTC, I think it's so important to take time to celebrate you and your personal journey on your trip. This is a momentous event that will make a HUGE difference in your life! Even if your budget is tiny remember to make this a happy and fun occasion--you deserve to be celebrated! Over coming a mostly unheard of medical situation isn't easy on anyone, and you WILL be cured if you go to the Women's Therapy Center! Hats off to having courage, to being brave, to kicking anxiety's butt!  So celebrate that, celebrate you, and celebrate the beginning to the rest of your life. That's an order:)