I love when I have several topics I want to write about simultaneously; and they're fighting for predominance in my head and fingers--which will win out? Or will it just be a mind explosion? Will everything that rises also converge? Maybe if I was more disciplined I would write all of them, cohesively and separately--work on it even when I'm not "feeling it". And maybe writing them separately isn't necessary. Maybe some of the thoughts should be thrown together, and see what works. I'll work on the the discipline part though. I've always felt I needed to write, but I struggle with it. I guess it's like "do I even have what it takes to write?" and I doubt, and then doubting leads to inaction. My most worn out and tired vicious cycle! Well, knowledge is power:) I know my self doubt in any area always leads to inaction. So...here's a little bit of action and cycle breaking for you! (mostly for myself).
So we all have those songs that just stick with us through a certain period of our lives, right? And the song (or songs, album, playlist, ect) comes to concretely represent a grouping of thoughts and feelings, ideologies even. And you get intertwined with it, and attached. And then it becomes part of your story, part of your life soundtrack.
Lately for me, I've been listening to Iggy Pop's "The Passenger". I've liked this song for a long time. Something about the music and lyrics speak to me. And I really like the episode of Anthony Bourdain's Parts Unknown where he gets to hang out with Iggy in Miami. I really resonant with stories of finding peace, or at least becoming comfortable and confident in who you are. Many times this only comes with time, living, and learning through your own mistakes. And the early and middle years are often spent yearning/raging/striving. I mean hello, punk music! It's all about rebellion and in your face-ness! Anyways, in the episode he meets Tony at a health food joint, they eat a light meal and they have a good conversation. (And I'll be honest here, maybe I'm mistaking "inner peace" for "rock star who's brain is kind of fried from years of attending rock n roll high school", but just go with me here). I really liked the fact that when Tony asked him what was a perfect day for him looked like he said sitting on the beach on a hot day being with someone who's company he really enjoyed. That resonates with me in a profound way; maybe because it's not goal oriented but that it's relational oriented. There is importance about getting right inside and letting that set the tone for your life, or at the very least recognizing things that are of true value. I'm really not trying to sound Yoga Jones on you, promise. Seeing this episode shortly after attending the WTC and being able to feeling peace and hope in the first time in a long time I kinda grasped onto this small snippet--to identify with a 68 year old punk rock king about something so small as sitting on the beach and watching the horizon and feeling something. And allowing yourself to be loved.
You know how I talked about having different topics fighting about which would be blogged about today? I guess I'm gonna try an awkward segue here. In my mind these are both holding hands and make sense. Imagine a hand coming down from those paragraphs up there and grabbing this new paragraphs fingers, intertwining. Becoming one bigger thought.
Last week Ted had the whole week off. Ever since I decided to be a substitute teacher this year rather than returning to my usual post he has been really great about working, working, working, and then some. Long days, over time, ect. Of course we're blessed he works at a place where he does have plenty of vacation time so neither one of us are complaining here! We have it really good. As in, our needs are met and we have each other---and then some!!! We're fully blessed in so many ways. I guess with the winter and the not feeling the best, a bit of anxiety was chasing me. I was really missing Ted (I felt like by the time he got home I'd pretty much fall asleep like an hour later lol) and feeling like there was just stuff I needed help with around the house. Like painting the nursery! Basically I felt like I was wringing my hands but needed a kickstart to do anything. Like a nervous Duracell bunny just going in circles instead of moving forward--I needed a reset. And last week was a really great time of just being together and doing things we enjoy (like doing chores and going out to lunch and watching Anthony Bourdain and LOST and going to the museum and sleeping in).
We're so excited to finally be the three of us, and since we've waited so long I thought saying goodbye to being two wouldn't be hard at all! But I've been having some bittersweet feelings creeping in. Maybe because people keep telling me stories of becoming roommates with their spouse after kids, and barely ever seeing each other. I'm sure this does happen and you get busy doing right by your family but I guess Ted is such a big part of who I am this scares me. I guess instead of being scared I'll just pray about this transition. DUH. I wish that was always my first instinct rather than doing aforementioned bunny circles.
Bringing this line of thought up and making it a circle; "The Passenger" is also meaningful to me because one of our MOST favorite things to do as a couple is to drive and listen to music. It is just something we like to do. And I'm The Passenger. The passenger in the song sees beauty and mess and takes it all in. We've done our driving thing through good times and bad. Heartache and happiness. We just enjoy it. Me because I can take in the world and try and process it. Him because he's physically doing something but also relaxing (and he loves roads...but thats a story for another time, haha). And we're together. We can talk or not talk. We can sing along or hum. My feelings tend to process more quickly this way. And lately I've been playing "The Passenger" at least once when we get in the car to go somewhere. Even the loose harmony on the "la-la's" remind me of how two different voices can make the song/journey better, give it more depth. This song reminds me of that pastime with the two of us. And the bond we have, that loose harmony, I pray it will only get stronger and more beautiful through this next phase in our journey.
I'm gonna leave this rambling post with some of the lyrics. If you read this post I hope you give the song a listen. It probably won't have the same meaning for you as it does for me...and that's ok. That's what life is all about; we experience similar things and we make them into our own. With different meaning and significance.
Oh, the passenger
How, how he rides
Oh, the passenger
He rides and he rides
He looks through his window
What does he see?
He sees the sign and hollow sky
He sees the stars come out tonight
He sees the city's ripped backsides
He sees the winding ocean drive
And everything was made for you and me
All of it was made for you and me
'Cause it just belongs to you and me
So let's take a ride and see what's mine
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2016
Monday, April 4, 2016
Heartburn, Insomnia, and Justin Bieber
SUP blog! This last week or two have been a very mentally and physically trying one. Having struggled so long to get here, I feel so much guilt in making a post about ailments and discomfort. Because I know the discomfort is finite and there will be an end. In the infertility world, there may never be an end to your "discomfort" aka the weight of waiting and sorrow. The pain of watching everyone grow and change while you feel permanently stuck. Now, I know I'll be a MOM at the end of this, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel!! A little girl to get to know and love!
(But..for my sanity's sake, I gotta write about this. Maybe it will help! I know as soon as she's here I'll say WORTH IT!!! And I already think that!!!)
Basically, it started with a feeling like I couldn't quite breathe as deep as I needed too, especially at night. I'm pretty claustrophobic and have nightmares about suffocating so this wasn't fun. I kept calm though and just thought soothing thoughts, breathed as deeply as I could, and propped up when sleeping. (Which I hate doing, but basically need to do or else). After a few scary nights of this, it seemed to dissipate. Hooray! Every deep breath I took was like a magical gift. And I was so thankful! I seemed to (finally) be getting over a head cold and cough situation so I chalked it up to that and moved on.
A few nights later, I woke up in so much pain. I felt like there was a hard knot of fire under my breast bone. And the fire would leak into my stomach and intestines and cause me to writhe around. I would wake up with my back arching and spasming just trying to reach a comfortable position. There was no comforting this. There was no magical position I could find to help. Putting on a bra was like a torture device. It didn't go away after tums or awhile after eating. The best way to describe it would be a constant blaze, and sometimes worse, but never better.
Fast forward to now, two different medications later, and it's still hanging around. There will be a few hours here and there of relief where I just lay or sit there thinking "I'm so thankful to be feeling less pain right now, no matter for how long". Eating toast, crackers, bananas, and yogurt is getting old but I don't want to anger the beast anymore than I already have! I'm doing my best to learn to manage it. I know the baby is taking up more space and crowding my whole body more and more. I'm glad she's growing! Above all else if she's ok, I know I'll be ok. But right now I feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to be in constant pain until she gets here. Even if the stars align and I've managed the right food combo and meds timing and am feeling like I can sleep...insomnia has set in. And heart palpitations. And random shots of adrenaline that make you shoot up straight and grab your chest in a panic. (All of which I've been told are normal at this time, although not fun). And everything that happens I panic about when the last time I felt her move, is she getting enough food, will she only like to eat crackers and popsicles because of this?! (that would be a huge tragedy, because Thai food! Mexican food! Indian BUFFET!!!!!!)
Insomnia is the worst. I hate dreading the night. Sleeping and eating are two of my favorite things and they're both elusive right now! (lol--I mean don't you like to eat tacos and then immediately hit the couch for netflix and night napping?! Maybe I need a lifestyle change wake up call like whoa, haha). I feel like I have no more thoughts to think. I've been having six months of content happy thoughts, soothing lifestyle, excitement about the future, starry eyes and so on. And I'm still so thankful and in awe of this person God is allowing us to carry. I guess this is a lesson in how I cope with lack of sleep. I start to feel hopeless and losing interest in anything. I become a crazy person. My thoughts are so scattered and I can't control them. One second I'm thinking about LOST and then I'm thinking about a parent or student from five years ago...then there's the head music. There is a constant weird remix of Justin Bieber songs and praise and worship songs playing in my head; "It's too late to say sorry now.......in Christ alone.....BABY BABY BABY NOOOOOO........this the power of the cross.....you're awful indecisive is what I'm sayin..." And when I do fall asleep for 30 minutes or so, it's weird dreams about people I haven't seen in decades. Being weird. Making me feel weird. And halfway through the dream I always think "Aren't I in my 30's and pregnant? What is going on in this dream ?! Why am I at a weird carnival with the little brother of one of my high school friends, and he's trying to DITCH ME?!" Cue waking up with heart palpitations and being scared and feeling weird. And then cue Justin Bieber. FOREVER!!!!
Sigh.
Lord please help me to trust in you to care for us. I know you've given me this gift and will help me to the very finish! Help me to be wise in how I care for my body. Thank you for supportive friends and family who offer a listening ear and good advice. Thank you for a comfortable home and understanding husband. Most of all, thank you for the opportunity to have a daughter! Help me through this time, that I can learn, grow, and come out of the fire, refined. That I can be a good testimony through trials. And that through it all, our baby will be safe and sound.
AMEN!
(But..for my sanity's sake, I gotta write about this. Maybe it will help! I know as soon as she's here I'll say WORTH IT!!! And I already think that!!!)
Basically, it started with a feeling like I couldn't quite breathe as deep as I needed too, especially at night. I'm pretty claustrophobic and have nightmares about suffocating so this wasn't fun. I kept calm though and just thought soothing thoughts, breathed as deeply as I could, and propped up when sleeping. (Which I hate doing, but basically need to do or else). After a few scary nights of this, it seemed to dissipate. Hooray! Every deep breath I took was like a magical gift. And I was so thankful! I seemed to (finally) be getting over a head cold and cough situation so I chalked it up to that and moved on.
A few nights later, I woke up in so much pain. I felt like there was a hard knot of fire under my breast bone. And the fire would leak into my stomach and intestines and cause me to writhe around. I would wake up with my back arching and spasming just trying to reach a comfortable position. There was no comforting this. There was no magical position I could find to help. Putting on a bra was like a torture device. It didn't go away after tums or awhile after eating. The best way to describe it would be a constant blaze, and sometimes worse, but never better.
Fast forward to now, two different medications later, and it's still hanging around. There will be a few hours here and there of relief where I just lay or sit there thinking "I'm so thankful to be feeling less pain right now, no matter for how long". Eating toast, crackers, bananas, and yogurt is getting old but I don't want to anger the beast anymore than I already have! I'm doing my best to learn to manage it. I know the baby is taking up more space and crowding my whole body more and more. I'm glad she's growing! Above all else if she's ok, I know I'll be ok. But right now I feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to be in constant pain until she gets here. Even if the stars align and I've managed the right food combo and meds timing and am feeling like I can sleep...insomnia has set in. And heart palpitations. And random shots of adrenaline that make you shoot up straight and grab your chest in a panic. (All of which I've been told are normal at this time, although not fun). And everything that happens I panic about when the last time I felt her move, is she getting enough food, will she only like to eat crackers and popsicles because of this?! (that would be a huge tragedy, because Thai food! Mexican food! Indian BUFFET!!!!!!)
Insomnia is the worst. I hate dreading the night. Sleeping and eating are two of my favorite things and they're both elusive right now! (lol--I mean don't you like to eat tacos and then immediately hit the couch for netflix and night napping?! Maybe I need a lifestyle change wake up call like whoa, haha). I feel like I have no more thoughts to think. I've been having six months of content happy thoughts, soothing lifestyle, excitement about the future, starry eyes and so on. And I'm still so thankful and in awe of this person God is allowing us to carry. I guess this is a lesson in how I cope with lack of sleep. I start to feel hopeless and losing interest in anything. I become a crazy person. My thoughts are so scattered and I can't control them. One second I'm thinking about LOST and then I'm thinking about a parent or student from five years ago...then there's the head music. There is a constant weird remix of Justin Bieber songs and praise and worship songs playing in my head; "It's too late to say sorry now.......in Christ alone.....BABY BABY BABY NOOOOOO........this the power of the cross.....you're awful indecisive is what I'm sayin..." And when I do fall asleep for 30 minutes or so, it's weird dreams about people I haven't seen in decades. Being weird. Making me feel weird. And halfway through the dream I always think "Aren't I in my 30's and pregnant? What is going on in this dream ?! Why am I at a weird carnival with the little brother of one of my high school friends, and he's trying to DITCH ME?!" Cue waking up with heart palpitations and being scared and feeling weird. And then cue Justin Bieber. FOREVER!!!!
Sigh.
Lord please help me to trust in you to care for us. I know you've given me this gift and will help me to the very finish! Help me to be wise in how I care for my body. Thank you for supportive friends and family who offer a listening ear and good advice. Thank you for a comfortable home and understanding husband. Most of all, thank you for the opportunity to have a daughter! Help me through this time, that I can learn, grow, and come out of the fire, refined. That I can be a good testimony through trials. And that through it all, our baby will be safe and sound.
AMEN!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
That Time I Met Zach Braff
I've always been a fan...from Scrubs, to Garden State, to Wish I Was Here, I've just always appreciated that guy. His sensitivity, his sense of humor, taste in music....basically we would be buddies irl had we been friends since childhood or something. Or if I kidnapped him. I'm sure that would convince him! #stalkeralert
When in New York during my treatment, it was high priority for me to see a Broadway show. I really wanted to see "Bullets Over Broadway" because it sounded fun AND Zach Braff was in it. I'm sure actual broadway actors hate when hollywood comes to 42nd Street, but in his defense he had been in London producing and what not his own play the year before which I think spares him of some of Hollywood resentment. LOL. I also wanted to see "The Cripple of Innishman" as well, because it sounded like a good play but also DANIEL RADCLIFFE. (That didn't happen, which I still kind of regret but money we aren't made of, hehe). But yeah, I was all ZACH BRAFFFFFFFF!!!! WOOOOO!!!!
Doctor Ross gave us some advice on how to get a good deal (the doctors will totally give you advice on stuff to do, we had a list a mile long before we even got there since we both had been to NYC before) and we trekked into the city our first Friday night there. Needless to say the train into the city from Long Island was bonkers, but very good people watching. We got off the train and walked around, we kind of wanted to eat dinner at Shake Shack but we were too nervous to be late for the show. Surprise, surprise, the line at Shake Shack was super long so we skipped it and just went straight to the theater. (In the words of my college missions trip leader "early is on time, on time is LATE!").
Being the life paparazzi that I am, I took 1,000 photos. The theater was gorgeous (and actually, if you have seen the movie Birdman, it was the same theater where so many interior/exterior shots were done--- very cool). The show was so fun! Of course I bought the soundtrack on iTunes so I can sing the Tiger Rag and annoy Ted whenever I want. After it was over I was all "we gotta stick around and try to meet Zach Braff, it's our ONE CHANCE"! Ted was all "I'm starving and we're not gonna meet him, let's go roam the streets for food!" Then we saw a queue outside the main entrance and I decided to stick around and see what happened. A few minutes later, out popped a freshly showered and changed into street clothes Zach with his bicycle in hand! I gave Ted the most crazy "I TOLD YOU SO" look. My exuberance of getting to give the "I told you so look" was soon replaced by nerves. What if I didn't get to meet him? What if he wasn't nice? WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!! I didn't remember to get an autograph but we did take a selfie together! I wish I would have told him he was good in the show, but I couldn't think. I couldn't even remember how to use my phone. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "IDIOT!!!" Oh well. Zach, if you're reading this: you were good in the show. And for the record, he was very, very nice and cool to his fans.
I did feel for a few of the other actors who kind of popped out hopefully but got zero recognition. I also wish I would have talked to them and told them they were good in the show. OTHER ACTORS IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU WERE ALSO GOOD IN THE SHOW. SORRY ZACH BRAFF GOT ALL THE ATTENTION.
When in New York during my treatment, it was high priority for me to see a Broadway show. I really wanted to see "Bullets Over Broadway" because it sounded fun AND Zach Braff was in it. I'm sure actual broadway actors hate when hollywood comes to 42nd Street, but in his defense he had been in London producing and what not his own play the year before which I think spares him of some of Hollywood resentment. LOL. I also wanted to see "The Cripple of Innishman" as well, because it sounded like a good play but also DANIEL RADCLIFFE. (That didn't happen, which I still kind of regret but money we aren't made of, hehe). But yeah, I was all ZACH BRAFFFFFFFF!!!! WOOOOO!!!!
Doctor Ross gave us some advice on how to get a good deal (the doctors will totally give you advice on stuff to do, we had a list a mile long before we even got there since we both had been to NYC before) and we trekked into the city our first Friday night there. Needless to say the train into the city from Long Island was bonkers, but very good people watching. We got off the train and walked around, we kind of wanted to eat dinner at Shake Shack but we were too nervous to be late for the show. Surprise, surprise, the line at Shake Shack was super long so we skipped it and just went straight to the theater. (In the words of my college missions trip leader "early is on time, on time is LATE!").
Being the life paparazzi that I am, I took 1,000 photos. The theater was gorgeous (and actually, if you have seen the movie Birdman, it was the same theater where so many interior/exterior shots were done--- very cool). The show was so fun! Of course I bought the soundtrack on iTunes so I can sing the Tiger Rag and annoy Ted whenever I want. After it was over I was all "we gotta stick around and try to meet Zach Braff, it's our ONE CHANCE"! Ted was all "I'm starving and we're not gonna meet him, let's go roam the streets for food!" Then we saw a queue outside the main entrance and I decided to stick around and see what happened. A few minutes later, out popped a freshly showered and changed into street clothes Zach with his bicycle in hand! I gave Ted the most crazy "I TOLD YOU SO" look. My exuberance of getting to give the "I told you so look" was soon replaced by nerves. What if I didn't get to meet him? What if he wasn't nice? WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!! I didn't remember to get an autograph but we did take a selfie together! I wish I would have told him he was good in the show, but I couldn't think. I couldn't even remember how to use my phone. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "IDIOT!!!" Oh well. Zach, if you're reading this: you were good in the show. And for the record, he was very, very nice and cool to his fans.
I did feel for a few of the other actors who kind of popped out hopefully but got zero recognition. I also wish I would have talked to them and told them they were good in the show. OTHER ACTORS IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU WERE ALSO GOOD IN THE SHOW. SORRY ZACH BRAFF GOT ALL THE ATTENTION.
Without further ado, here are a few pictures. For posterity!
I think I was so sweaty by this point. How do people tool around the city in boots and looking chic? Dang.
The beautiful chandys!
When meeting Zach Braff was just a twinkle of hope in my eye.
Tada! I managed to figure the phone out...
Ted, probably dying of starvation ;)
Sorry we missed you Dan. I would have taken LOTS of pics for your hashtag.
the shake shack we didn't go to (sad music).
"Hello fans, I'M HERE! EEEEEAAAAAAGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!" (notice the Wish I Was Here shirt)
"Sure, let me just sign that program for you!" (why didn't I think to do that? silly)
"wow, it means a lot to me that you're telling me you thought I was good in the show. Now we're best friends".
"Huggy hug hugs" (said like JD, from Scrubs)
She probably couldn't remember how to work her phone either
Zach says, "well, I'll just keep this phone then". Also I love the range of emotions of the one lady and her husband to the left.
Hooray for good memories!
As a note for anyone who might be visiting here who are considering going to WTC, I think it's so important to take time to celebrate you and your personal journey on your trip. This is a momentous event that will make a HUGE difference in your life! Even if your budget is tiny remember to make this a happy and fun occasion--you deserve to be celebrated! Over coming a mostly unheard of medical situation isn't easy on anyone, and you WILL be cured if you go to the Women's Therapy Center! Hats off to having courage, to being brave, to kicking anxiety's butt! So celebrate that, celebrate you, and celebrate the beginning to the rest of your life. That's an order:)
As a note for anyone who might be visiting here who are considering going to WTC, I think it's so important to take time to celebrate you and your personal journey on your trip. This is a momentous event that will make a HUGE difference in your life! Even if your budget is tiny remember to make this a happy and fun occasion--you deserve to be celebrated! Over coming a mostly unheard of medical situation isn't easy on anyone, and you WILL be cured if you go to the Women's Therapy Center! Hats off to having courage, to being brave, to kicking anxiety's butt! So celebrate that, celebrate you, and celebrate the beginning to the rest of your life. That's an order:)
Thursday, June 11, 2015
1989
The funny thing is, when I first heard "Shake it Off" I was like NO I HATE IT. And would switch the station when it came on. Somehow it earwigged its way into my life and a week later I was like OK I LIKE IT HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN! (she's magic like that). Then "Out of the Woods" came and I was like "ok, I can get on board with this. I like the stadium-y sound". Even though I love her country-pop sound I also loved the strictly pop songs on Red of course. (She did a good job of transitioning her style, for sure). Then the album came and I was very excited to see what was what. The Target advertising was on point (as per usual, dang I would LOVE to work for Target's creative team) using the song "Style" to promote the release. It was Taylor-ish, lots of words and story telling but with a catchy tune. But I loved the pop-i-ness of it. Hearing that song TRULY made me excited for the things to come. And I love, (at least this seems to be the truth--you never truly can know someone else's mind) that Taylor is just as excited about her music as her fans are. The day I got the album I took it home to read the foreward on the jacket cover (I think physically having albums to hold dates me but I LIKE TO HAVE THEM physically and digitally, call me old fashioned). Let me show you some of what she wrote:
"These songs were once about my life. They are now about yours.
I was born in Reading, Pennsylvania on December 13th, 1989.
In the world we live in, much is said about when when we are born
and when we die.......what can be said of all the moments in between our birth
and our death? The moments when we are reborn...
I know people can change because it happens to me little by little
every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new.
Isn't that wild and intriguing and beautiful to think that every day we are new?
....I've told you my stories for years now. Some have been about coming of age, some
have been about coming undone. This is a story about coming into your own, and as a result?
Coming alive....I hope you know you have given me the courage to change.
Love,
Taylor"
I love having the courage to change. Even if what you've been doing is good, great, good enough or whatever..It's ok to want to change and grow. Change is what keeps us moving, keeps us learning, keeps us fresh. So here's to fresh, here's to fun, and here's to having the courage to change! (And some pictures from the concert). :)
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