One Summer Turns into Ten Summers

This is crazy, but a few weeks ago was the TEN YEAR anniversary of us being us. How can you put concrete stamps like time on something that is part of you? You really can't remember what life was life before, and it seems that this was always  a thing even before it ever was. Maybe that's how people feel about their children. There never really was a before, just a space on the loop where you are not together physically. 

I know everyone's relationships are different, but I know that I love mine--and not in a romantic and gaga way (because honestly, that is not my way) but in MY WAY-- we just fit.  These pictures are such a good reminder of where we have been and where we are going and despite tough situations we have had an abundance of joy.  I hope this gives you a glimmer of what it's like to be us. Me riding shotgun as we go on a new adventure. Us exploring our city and others. Ted being an expert navigator while I come up with ideas of stuff to do. Trying new things. Laughing. Concerts, plays, weddings, gatherings, celebrations, sitting on the couch, cats, tennis, movies, church, friends and it DOESN'T STOP and I don't want it to stop! One of the many things I love about Ted is that he will get into something I'm interested in so we can also have that in common. Music, tv, books, blogs---watching Pretty Little Liars "ironically" ( he LOVES it). I really do appreciate that about him! He even turned into a CAT PERSON. This is a big deal people! This photo dump is for me and my memories, but I hope you enjoy it also:) 

Our college had this pretend awards ceremony/grammys type thing at the end of the year and we both dressed up as...John McEnroe. He is one of our favorites, tennis-wise AND comedy wise. I don't know, people would dress up!!!! It was kind of like Christian Halloween??? 

Being all formal in 2006. 

Maybe 2009 Christmas? (it's hard to remember!!!) We really we enjoying finding those santa hats obvs. 

Threatening to throw me in that pond. 

 At a friends wedding, 2010 I think. 

 Charleston, May 2011. This was the trip where the ocean punished Ted for peeing in it by taking those glasses and also giving him a wave slap rash that did NOT go away for a year! The ocean will have her revenge...

Magellan, circa 2010. 

 River rats, 2011. 

 That time Ted wore MY JEANS to work and didn't notice!!!! (I am five feet tall and he is over 6 feet...) I think he liked them LOL. 

The short hair era. 

Our first wedding anniversary, 2008. 

Visiting Fallingwater for the first time in 2012, right before the Johnson wedding!

 Savannah, June 2012. 

 Scout!!!!! 

6th wedding anniversary. 

Dressing up like Doctor Who for halloween. 

Shotgun for life. 

Riding the rails of some kind, as Ted likes to do. 

 Tennis, anyone?

He got tickets to a Buckeye's game--and didn't angle to take anyone else but me. 

 

 Bean selfie. 

 Our town. 

 Happy Valentimes 2015. 

We did it! We "graduated" from WTC! June 2014. 

 July 4th 2014. 

 7th wedding anniversary. 

 Where will life take us next?! Not sure, but we are SOOOOO ready for the next chapter. As Ted said a few weeks ago, "Whatever it is I'm ready for it. 10 years is long enough". 

Upper West Side, The Village, Central Park, and The Highline: Summer in the City

We really did have so much fun on our trip to New York last summer. Of course, we've both been to NYC before but every time I go, it's new. It's its own living, breathing, thing. We crammed SO MUCH in. The doctors were impressed at our ability to cram in "funtivities" as Dwight would call them. I think it's one of our main talents as a couple, hah! Ted is great at public transit and I'm good at wanting to do everything and wearing comfortable shoes. Win win. 

City dogs. 

We were so bummed the Guggenheim is CLOSED on Thursdays. This is still on the bucket list for our next visit. 

Central Park--lots of good memories. Walking around in December 2005 with Matt and Jules while a melancholy saxophone played "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", sweating to death with the friends and eating cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery on Labor Day 2010, and now we have this. A meandering and leisurely stroll just the two of us in 2014. 

 It was so green! 

Good tip from my brother to try this bakery. Oh it was so worth it. (Don't judge, we were doing lots of walking hehe). A fellow Buckeye was working the counter! 

The Highline: is a 1.45-mile-long New York City linear park built in Manhattan on an elevated section of a disused New York Central Railroad spur called the West Side Line. (Thanks Wikipedia)! 

 I love green spaces, especially in the city!

 Best. Tacos. Ever!!!! This post is making me so hangry. 

 The Village. 

I have so much more to share, but I have so many photos I guess it's better to break them down into smaller (hah, that's right, this was small!!) doses. 

My Journey Part 3- Finally There!

 I think the most helpful thing I could say to those of you thinking about visiting the Women's Therapy Center is simply to GET THERE.  You've been battling this for months, years, decades. Warrior, once there you are done battling.  You just gotta do what the good doctors tell you--it's no longer solely your burden to bear. Just follow orders soldier. They will help you conquer it, and so so so so SOON you will be doing things you never thought possible. You will be the one in control, not your body.  If you get there, you will be cured! And even though you will be scared (there is not one patient who doesn't enter those doors feeling terrified) each step is taking you closer to living victorious. 
You will feel at home here--this is coming from someone who has feared and loathed doctors with a passion! They will get to know you and figure out your best plan for you. Believe me when I say you are so capable of doing this.  I wish me from 5 years ago could read this. I'm grabbing my own face and saying this to me of the past!!! 

I'll share with you something I don't quite understand myself--this whole beast has been built around a feeling (I know, it's physical too. I really couldn't shove anything in there when trying so so hard even after the "fear "was gone. I know I needed help, a professionals help to teach my muscles to behave...I'm not down playing the physical component in any way).  This feeling that there was a place inside myself that wanted to be left alone because to intrude on it would mean excruciating pain and violation.  But you know what? That place, that thing I was afraid of never existed in a physical way! Being cured, you know your vagina is just supposed to be a passage way that works, always. That place inside you that is you can't be reached by anything physical and so my fear was so unfounded in that way. That place you think will hurt like hell (because maybe your attempts in the past HAVE) really doesn't exist. It's just your body, and it was made to work. You aren't defective. You aren't alone. And there are professionals who are trained to train you to train your mind and body.  Not to say you won't have moments of training discomfort, but it is not this crazy and terrifying pain you feared. "That thing"I learned is called anxiety and it you can't let it win. It's really good at mind games. I could not defeat it on my own. It's ok to get help in your battle.   I don't know if anyone else shares this sentiment but I felt like I needed to write it. I've never told anyone that, and I think people struggling with Vaginismus need to hear realness on the subject.

I really am begging you at this point--if you are on the fence or thinking you can't do it....you so can. Somehow get the money. Your body was made to work!

While there, we ended up having a blast. I know, if you are on the other side you're probably thinking "Yeah right, I'll be hiding in my hotel room and hating every minute". You won't! Take a victory lap around the city, (and the Long Island too!) let yourself have fun. Don't let anxiety (anxiety is selfish and it wants to take all your joy) rob you of enjoying being in a new place with lots of exploring to do. Doctor Ross will help you--directions, suggestions, help-anything. We made friends, I got massages, and I MET ZACH BRAFF. So I have vaginismus to thank for meeting Zach Braff, haha.

Here they are. The real people who are trained precisely to help you. You aren't "the only one who couldn't be cured". You will be. JUST GO!!!! 

Should vs Want: A Game in Mind Trickery

If you are like me and overanalyze/over think to a fault, you have probably come up with some tactics in mind trickery. You know, to make it behave and not be getting in the way of everything. Today a mind tactic HIT ME  RIGHT IN THE FACE, metaphorically speaking.

Today it's beautiful outside. It's been so rainy this summer I caught myself in this kind of annoying thought cycle: "It's so nice out. I should go out. I should go for a walk! It's so hot though. But in the winter time all I want is for hot weather so I SHOULD go out and enjoy it. I SHOULD." Then I feel like because I should, I have to rebel against it. All because I feel like I should. It goes on and on!

 "I should go exercise. I should go water the plants. I should paint this. I should organize that. I should hang this. I should have done this a long time ago. should SHOULD should SHOULD should SHOULD". It's practically the word my heart beats some days. SHOULD. Expectations! Not meeting them! Disappointing everyone, especially myself!!!! Constantly piling up a whole library of should do or should haves.  Then the list is so long and heavy, you don't know where to start and you end up (sometimes) doing NOTHING and then feeling TERRIBLE and beating yourself up about it.

I believe thoughts are the very foundation of what makes our lives. They can be life giving or life taking. We ALL have inside our head our regular, normal voice/stream of consciousness and that negative one that is always giving us every reason NOT to do something. I've been working on responding truth to those negative thoughts.

So today when I was like struggling with the MOST SIMPLE OF TASKS of "should I go outside" (saying it out loud makes me laugh because seriously...who argues in their head about going outside!?), this thought struck me: "I WANT to go outside and enjoy the weather. I GET to. Not should, WANT". It applies in SO many areas that I always think should:

I should spend time working out today. But what's the point. I can never be disciplined enough.

I should go grab some groceries so we can save money and eat better. What's the point, I can neve seem to eat healthy enough.

I should go work on the landscape out front, it's the worst. Everyone is probably judging me. Why isn't her yard a golf course!

I should reach out to so and so, I'm probably not very good at staying socialized.

I should spend time working on my writing...I have enough time I should have accomplished ______ by now.

I should spend time working on my photography....just another skill/hobby I've let go by the wayside.

I should spend time with God....I am so selfish with my time.

I should pray for this, or that. Why don't I do that more often.

I should be better.

I should do better.



WATCH how this changes everything:

I want to spend time working on my fitness today!

I want to get some things off the to-do list!

I want to spend time with God!

I want to write today!

I want to spend time in prayer!

I want to go outside and enjoy this WEATHER!

I want to spend time with friends !

I want to show my yard some TLC!



I know, it's seems lame. But for REAL, when I was thinking "No, you WANT to go outside" it's like everything changed about how I felt about that simple goal. Yeah, there are always reasons (and sometimes reasonable reasons) not to do things. When you start thinking should, it becomes a chore. When you choose to go on the flip side it does help (of course, not always 100% effective, haha) but thinking I want to do this (because you really do) really does help. I'm going to try and keep using this technique and ignoring the "shoulds".

Of course, I will always be trying to weasel out of working out and yard work.

I hope this made SOME kind of sense. Happy friday!